done_got_old
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Can we add.......only in America will the gov think about giving GM 10 Billion worth of aid and refuse to give citizens free medicine!
Laughter is Contagious
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curl4ever
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Outstanding groaner!!!
Very very nicely done!
Thank you to both of you for brightening one cold, wet, miserable seems-like-winter day.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day".
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day".
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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A Halloween Story
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP ..
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP ..
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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I read that knowing that I'd heard it before but couldn't remember! Didn't remember. I'm still laughing. I can't wait until Kayte reads this! Good one curl4forever.
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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I know I haven't had many items to contribute so far, but I thought this groaner was worth it.
Glad you liked it. Or hated it. Or whatever.
- curl
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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I know I haven't had many items to contribute so far, but I thought this groaner was worth it.
Glad you liked it. Or hated it. Or whatever.
- curl
You've contributed a lot. I love groaners.
You've contributed a lot. I love groaners.
Well, as they say, 'Groan where groaning is due.' Or something like that...
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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ARE YOU DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN, OR A REDNECK?
Here is a little test that will help you decide
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with
a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and
charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you an d your
family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to
attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the
knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of
message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content
just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family
get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 911?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make
this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to
come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips, or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!
AND THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH
Here is a little test that will help you decide
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with
a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and
charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you an d your
family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to
attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the
knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of
message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content
just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family
get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 911?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make
this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to
come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips, or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!
AND THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
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- 135,693
Happy Hump Day {{{{{DGO}}}}}}
Thank you for adding that one. Doesn't it just f'n suck?
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Posts
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Such a groaner! I love it!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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New Financial Terms
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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- 14,521
S U P E R ...... lol
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Hi {{{{Smooth}}}}
A couple more....
More New Financial Terms
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share!
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Posts
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I Love My Job
(apologies to Dr. Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.
I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.
I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.
I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!
(apologies to Dr. Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.
I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.
I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.
I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
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- 269,162
I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for Duct tape in my life.
Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies .
Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies .
G
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BlueEyesEternal
Really Really Experienced
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I love pointint out puns to people, especially goaners 
At church last Sunday, I was talking to a friend that's going to be moving to Alaska for a new job soon. She said not to be worried, she won't feel too isolated if everyone buys a webcam to chat with her. I replied, "Isn't everywhere in Alaska ice-olated?"
At the end of the surmon, the church put up a little rap music video to try and drumb up support for Operation Shoebox where you fill a shoebox with toys for some kid on the other side of the world. When it was over I turned to my friend and said, "I didn't expect anyone to be rapping Christmas presents this soon."
At church last Sunday, I was talking to a friend that's going to be moving to Alaska for a new job soon. She said not to be worried, she won't feel too isolated if everyone buys a webcam to chat with her. I replied, "Isn't everywhere in Alaska ice-olated?"
At the end of the surmon, the church put up a little rap music video to try and drumb up support for Operation Shoebox where you fill a shoebox with toys for some kid on the other side of the world. When it was over I turned to my friend and said, "I didn't expect anyone to be rapping Christmas presents this soon."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Screwed up family
A guy walks into a bar, slams twenty dollars down and tells the barman to get him a vodka. The barman serves the drink and inquires about the problem.
“I just found out my brother is gay,” says the guy.
“Man, that’s tough,” says the barman.
Two weeks later the same guy goes into the bar again, and slams another twenty dollars on the bar. The barman again enquires about the problem.
“I just found out my father is gay too!” says the guy.
“Wow, your family is screwed up,” says the barman.
Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and says: “Hey, doesn’t anyone in your friggin’ family like to sleep with women?”
“Yeh,” answers the guy. “My wife.”
A guy walks into a bar, slams twenty dollars down and tells the barman to get him a vodka. The barman serves the drink and inquires about the problem.
“I just found out my brother is gay,” says the guy.
“Man, that’s tough,” says the barman.
Two weeks later the same guy goes into the bar again, and slams another twenty dollars on the bar. The barman again enquires about the problem.
“I just found out my father is gay too!” says the guy.
“Wow, your family is screwed up,” says the barman.
Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and says: “Hey, doesn’t anyone in your friggin’ family like to sleep with women?”
“Yeh,” answers the guy. “My wife.”
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Communications
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
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