Laughter is Contagious

[omahaman2]

Why A Gun Is Better Than A Girlfriend

1. You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22.
2. You can have one gun at home and another when you're on the road.
3. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out.
4. One gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
5. Your gun stays with you even when you run out of ammo.
6. Guns don't take up much closet space.
7. Guns function normally every day of the month.
8. Your gun will never ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
9. A gun doesn't mind when you go to sleep after using it.
10. AND, you can buy a silencer for a gun!

10 Reasons Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Men

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree can stay up from Thanksgiving until New Years. (Well, USA Thanksgiving anyway! LOL)

4. A Christmas tree always looks good, even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree never worries about its size.

6. A Christmas tree has pretty balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can toss a Christmas tree out to the curb when you are bored with it.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous if you pay attention to other Christmas trees.

10. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


10 Reasons Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Woman

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

4. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of it's balls.

5. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

6. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

7. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can toss it to the curb and have it hauled away.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football and drink beer all day.

10. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of a pickup truck.

 

[kayte]

10 Reasons Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Men

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree can stay up from Thanksgiving until New Years. (Well, USA Thanksgiving anyway! LOL)

4. A Christmas tree always looks good, even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree never worries about its size.

6. A Christmas tree has pretty balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can toss a Christmas tree out to the curb when you are bored with it.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous if you pay attention to other Christmas trees.

10. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


10 Reasons Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Woman

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

4. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of it's balls.

5. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

6. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

7. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can toss it to the curb and have it hauled away.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football and drink beer all day.

10. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of a pickup truck.

{{{{{{{{{Oman}}}}}}}}}}}

Those are fantastic!

 

[kayte]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"BULL!" roared the biker. "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

 

[done_got_old]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"BULL!" roared the biker. "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

ROFLMAO

 

[done_got_old]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home.. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.


LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.


LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.


LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol



Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner,” her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.


LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,YOU KNOW WHO

 

[kayte]

How A Xmas Tradition Began

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Xmas tree.
The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to sick it?
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree

 

[kayte]

Snip

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Signed,YOU KNOW WHO

Snip

Thank you DGO! That is great!

 

[curl4ever]

How A Xmas Tradition Began

....

Very, very, very funny!
Too bad I can't foresee any occasion when I could retell that story. (I must have the wrong kind of friends in my daily life. )
Thanks, kayte.
- curl

 

[done_got_old]

Tragic News from Up North

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1229981794.jpg

 

[kayte]

Very, very, very funny!
Too bad I can't foresee any occasion when I could retell that story. (I must have the wrong kind of friends in my daily life. )
Thanks, kayte.
- curl

Hi Curl ~ Glad you enjoyed it.
Guess you need to return to Lit a bit more often; to stay in touch with the right "class" of friends.

 

[kayte]

Thank you {{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}}}} That says it all!!!

 

[done_got_old]

Thank you {{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}}}} That says it all!!!

I think I'd rather have her on the wall and Rudolph with the gun. Now that would be funny.

 

[curl4ever]

Hi Curl ~ Glad you enjoyed it.
Guess you need to return to Lit a bit more often; to stay in touch with the right "class" of friends.

Nice to feel welcome here!
- curl

 

[kayte]

I think I'd rather have her on the wall and Rudolph with the gun. Now that would be funny.

Now that would be perfect!

 

[kayte]

Nice to feel welcome here!
- curl

Glad you are here. That is quite a profile picture you have.

 

[Icey*Fire]

Southern Piece

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

 

[Icey*Fire]

Taxi Incident

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

[done_got_old]

Throw Your Shoe

 

[kayte]

Southern Piece

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Thank you Fire ~ I love it!

 

[kayte]

Taxi Incident

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

OH MY!

That one has me ROTFLMAO!!!!

 

[kayte]

Throw Your Shoe

Thank you {{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}}}

Now that is outstanding!

 

[kayte]

Shopping Early

The judge was in the holiday spirit when he asked the prisoner, "And what are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "Just how early were you?"
The prisoner replied, "Before the store opened!"

 

[omahaman2]

This week, President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. There was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles.

 

[Icey*Fire]

New Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

 

[tampa_919]

New Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

WOW!