Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

 

[smoothdevil]

The Honeymoon Is Over

Please excuse the rough language in the following story .
I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

'Well,' said her Mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?'

'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic...'

Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as
soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible
language -- things I'd Never heard before! I mean all these
awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home!
PLEASE MAMA!'

There, there,' her mother said, 'calm down! You need to
stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me,
what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?'

'Please don't make me tell you, mama,' wept the daughter,
'I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!

COME GET ME, PLEASE!!

'Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your Mother these horrible 4-letter words!'

Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mama... He used words like:
dust, wash, iron, and cook .'

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes, baby."

 

[smoothdevil]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f__k you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:
And when the f__k do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:
No f_ ing way!

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?

INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ting me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__t.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f___king problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:
What the f___k?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:
This sh__t won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:
Why the h_ll didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__s!

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__t and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__s!

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:
F__k it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__s!

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:
Who the h_ll died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck!



Thank You,

Human Resources

 

[Guest]

Muhahahahaha

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to
make love when her husband came in the front door.

So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my
fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

'Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband
came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -but he had to piss
first. Turns out their toilet was broken and the lazy bastard pissed out the window right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood.
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I
had
to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the
husband
tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my
forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY
pissed me off?

When I looked down and saw that my feet were just THREE inches off the
ground!

 

[smoothdevil]

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to
make love when her husband came in the front door.

So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my
fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

'Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband
came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -but he had to piss
first. Turns out their toilet was broken and the lazy bastard pissed out the window right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood.
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I
had
to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the
husband
tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my
forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY
pissed me off?

When I looked down and saw that my feet were just THREE inches off the
ground!

LMAO ..... LMAO

 

[Guest]

LMAO ..... LMAO

I can see this happening

 

[kayte]

GRANDCHILDREN !!!

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of
her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied
her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma,
you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
# # # # #

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
# # # # #

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the
children getting more and more rambunct ious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
# # # # #

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood
was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
# # # # #

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.
# # # # #

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. S he told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked.
'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'
# # # # #

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it as. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
# # # # #

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a
few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no
use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
# # # # #

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmot her, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple, ' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
# # # # #

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,'said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
# # # # #

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck
was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.

 

[curl4ever]

Dear kayte, smoothdevil, and Wicked_Kitten,

All very funny! (and I really needed that today) THANKS!

 

[omahaman2]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[omahaman2]

A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?' The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.' 'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

 

[smoothdevil]

THE MUSTANG RANCH AND THE $750 BILLION BAIL-OUT...


Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 750+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

If that doesn't make you nervous...what does???

 

[kayte]

In Sveden ... er ... Sweden

At a local college dance in Sweden, an American asked a local girl to dance.
While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze, and whispered, "In America, we call this a hug."
She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a hug, too."
A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek. "In America, we call this a kiss."
She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a kiss, too."
A few drinks later, they moved out to the campus lawn and had sex.
"In America," he told her, "we call this a grass sandwich."
She replied, "Yaaah, in Sveden ve call dis a grass sandwich, too, but ve put more meat in it!"

 

[done_got_old]

Eight Words with two Meanings





1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.... The open sharing o f thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a not e before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit o n other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. ​

 

[MsTexas]

Diary of Snow ...

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ohio . It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Ohio is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ohio . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the [censored]head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken six already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

May 10 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow .

May 23 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida.

 

[kayte]

Thank you DGO and MsTexas! Those are great!

Happy Hump Day

Hope you enjoy this.

1. Obvious

A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring. "Is there anything you can do?" she pleaded.
"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive: $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"

2. Overweight

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend is overweight?
A. She starts fitting your wife's clothes!

 

[done_got_old]

The new Lego playset.
Just in time for Christmas!


http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/lego-playset.jpg

 

[kayte]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into> a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. So, I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, but now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 40 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

 

[kayte]

The new Lego playset.
Just in time for Christmas!


http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/lego-playset.jpg

That certainly does lead one to do some thinking as to how we've gotten where we are.

 

[done_got_old]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into> a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. So, I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, but now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 40 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

ROFLMAO

 

[smoothdevil]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into> a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. So, I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, but now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 40 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

S U P E R ..... ROTFLMAO ....

 

[kayte]

Hi DGO and Smooth ~ So happy you enjoyed that one.

Here is another, not quite as good but still brought a grin to my face.

Little Johnny And The Stork

The teacher was discussing a broad outline about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love and married, it is often not long before the stork brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Johnny puts his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork miss? Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach!"

 

[omahaman2]

DOCTOR DAVE

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave ...

Dave ....

You're a Veterinarian

 

[kayte]

DOCTOR DAVE

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave ...

Dave ....

You're a Veterinarian

Ouch!

 

[kayte]

Why A Gun Is Better Than A Girlfriend

1. You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22.
2. You can have one gun at home and another when you're on the road.
3. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out.
4. One gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
5. Your gun stays with you even when you run out of ammo.
6. Guns don't take up much closet space.
7. Guns function normally every day of the month.
8. Your gun will never ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
9. A gun doesn't mind when you go to sleep after using it.
10. AND, you can buy a silencer for a gun!

 

[done_got_old]

Why A Gun Is Better Than A Girlfriend

1. You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22.
2. You can have one gun at home and another when you're on the road.
3. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out.
4. One gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
5. Your gun stays with you even when you run out of ammo.
6. Guns don't take up much closet space.
7. Guns function normally every day of the month.
8. Your gun will never ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
9. A gun doesn't mind when you go to sleep after using it.
10. AND, you can buy a silencer for a gun!

ROFLMAO