Laughter is Contagious

[Golden_Silence]

Not a joke, but it made me chuckle at the time...

While riding through Illinois, I passed a correctional facility, and the place was clearly signposted..

and...

About 50 yards down the road was a sign that read

'Don't pick up hitchikers'

Talk about No Shit!!!!!!

 

[kayte]

A man has just arrived at a hotel and wants to take a shower. So he gets undressed and turns on the water when he realizes there's no soap, so he wraps a towel around himself and goes down to the front desk and they give him two bars of soap. As he's waiting for the elevator he accidentally drops his towel, but before he can pick it up three nuns walk over to wait for the elevator. The man has no idea what to do, so he just freezes. One of the nuns says, "This is an interesting statue, really lifelike!" The second nun says, "yeah! I dont know why they gave it this though" and she grabs his cock. The man is so surprised that he drops a bar of soap. The first nun says "Oh, it's a soap dispenser" and she grabs his cock, so the man drops the other bar of soap to keep them from realizing hes alive. The third nun grabs him, and starts rubbing her hands together. the first nun asks, "why are you doing that" and she replies, "I got liquid soap."

Thank you for the laugh! That is great! Hope to see you here again.

 

[kayte]

ROTFLMAO ..........................

OMG, that's too funny!

Glad it brought smiles!

 

[kayte]

Two lawyers are leaving the office. " I cant wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door Im gonna rip my wifes' panties right off."

"I know the feeling." The other says.

"No, Im serious," says the 1st.."They're killing me!"

Groans! LOL!

 

[kayte]

Not a joke, but it made me chuckle at the time...

While riding through Illinois, I passed a correctional facility, and the place was clearly signposted..

and...

About 50 yards down the road was a sign that read

'Don't pick up hitchikers'

Talk about No Shit!!!!!!

No Kidding!!!!!

And your post made me more than chuckle! Thank you.

 

[kayte]

Joe and Myrtle were married for over 50 years when Joe died.
A few months later, Myrtle died, too.
In heaven, Myrtle looked around for Joe, and found him ... behind a cloud, screwing another woman!
"Joe! Darling!" she cried. "What are you doing?"
"Hang on, Myrtle," replied Joe. "Don't 'darling' me. The deal was clear: till death do us part!"

 

[done_got_old]

Joe and Myrtle were married for over 50 years when Joe died.
A few months later, Myrtle died, too.
In heaven, Myrtle looked around for Joe, and found him ... behind a cloud, screwing another woman!
"Joe! Darling!" she cried. "What are you doing?"
"Hang on, Myrtle," replied Joe. "Don't 'darling' me. The deal was clear: till death do us part!"

ROFLMAO

 

[kayte]

ROFLMAO

Glad you liked it.

 

[kayte]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

 

[omahaman2]

Redneck Etiquette Tips
Dating:
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 p.m.; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tire always has the right of way.
3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
4. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Going Out:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Entertaining In Your Home:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 

[smoothdevil]

Visit To The Welfare Office...

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''

'Yep, dey all mine,' the flustered momma sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find
seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to
sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, my boys are all named 'Leroy'
and da girls are all named 'Leighroy'.'

In disbelief, the case worker asked, "Are you serious?
They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes -- it makes it easier. When it's time to get dem out of bed and ready for school, I jus' yells, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I jus' yells 'Leroy!' an' dey all comes a running'.
And, if I need to stop da kid who's running into the street, I jus' yells 'LEROY!' and all of 'em stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then
wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Den, I calls 'em by their last names.."

 

[smoothdevil]

Tackle Box Genie

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven
pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked
Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic
lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge
Bic Lighter in his hands.

'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the
Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a
good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So, Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a
million ducks...flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.
'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not
a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is
hart of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'

 

[done_got_old]

The 7 Degrees of Blond

FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 frigin miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and bbuys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware '


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

 

[kayte]

snip

FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 frigin miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

snip

Good morning {{{{{{DGO}}}}}} Those are great!!

 

[done_got_old]

snip
snip

Good morning {{{{{{DGO}}}}}} Those are great!!

.....makes one wonder, doesn't it?

 

[kayte]

Subject: What is success?

At age 4, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is ... having friends.
At age 16, success is ... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is ... having sex.
At age 35, success is ... having money.
At age 50, success is ... having money.
At age 60, success is ... having sex.
At age 70, success is ... having a driver's license.
At age 80, success is ... having friends.
At age 90, success is ... not peeing in your pants.>

 

[curl4ever]

The 7 degrees of blond

Very nice, d_g_o! Thanks.

 

[done_got_old]

Totally Looks Like

http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/lookslike.jpg

 

[smoothdevil]

FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

SUPER ........ ROTFLMAO

 

[Wings27]

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....



"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

 

[curl4ever]

Totally Looks Like
http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/lookslike.jpg

Very very funny! Thanks, d_g_o!

 

[curl4ever]

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
...

Nice! I didn't see that one coming! Thanks, Wings!

 

[done_got_old]

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute.

 

[kayte]

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute.

Good morning {{{{{DGO}}}}} I think that explains it!

 

[kayte]

Belief

When the local church found out their small town was going to get a new tavern, they started a petition campaign and regular prayers to block the bar from opening.
Work progressed uneventfully until the night before the bar was set to open, when a huge storm blew through and a lightning bolt struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were quite "smug" until the bar owner sued them on the grounds that they were responsible for his building's demise, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
As the case concluded, the judge looked over the paperwork and commented, "I'm not sure how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"