Laughter is Contagious

[omahaman2]

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

[done_got_old]

Why some men have dogs rather than wives.


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dog's like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

[omahaman2]

On New Year’s Eve, Alan stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, he wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, The bartender was almost crushed to death

 

[kayte]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME


According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man
in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

[Icey*Fire]

What not to say to a police officer...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (ok in Texas..)

2. Hey, you must have been doing around 125mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

3. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

4. I was trying to keep up with the traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

5. When the officer says, "Gee son..your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably should'nt respond with, "Gee officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

6. Just had to try out that new siren didn't you?????

 

[kayte]

1. British Humor

In honor of the United Kingdom's newly announced gay marriages policy, British furniture company are now selling specially assembled lesbian beds.
There's no screwing involved, it's just tongue and groove.

2. Did You Ever Wonder?

1. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

2. Why does your obstetrician or gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

3. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

[omahaman2]

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

 

[kayte]

2008 in review ​

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWiXy55OHyY

 

[kayte]

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Happy New Year {{{{Oman}}}}} that has me LOL!

 

[done_got_old]

My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"

We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."

 

[Guest]

Anger Management Technique

Just reading it made me feel better



When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered, I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f *** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole !' and hung! up. I wrote his number down with the word ' asshole ' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up
and yell, 'You're an asshole !' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ' asshole ' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in h! is back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I'd give asshole #2 a call. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW
for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. No! w, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're really an asshole !' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah.' He screamed, 'Stop calling me!' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, ' Asshole , I live at34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow rambler. I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers!
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ...#2
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed , 'I'll kick your ass!'
I answered, 'Well, asshole , here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down inmate Blvd. in Fairfax ..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and reporter and camera crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works.

 

[curl4ever]

Just reading it made me feel better....

Me too! Thanks, Wicked_Kitten!

 

[kayte]

My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"

We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."

Good evening {{{{{DGO}}}}}}}} That is great!

 

[kayte]

Just reading it made me feel better



When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered, I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f *** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole !' and hung! up. I wrote his number down with the word ' asshole ' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up
and yell, 'You're an asshole !' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ' asshole ' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in h! is back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I'd give asshole #2 a call. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW
for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. No! w, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're really an asshole !' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah.' He screamed, 'Stop calling me!' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, ' Asshole , I live at34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow rambler. I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers!
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ...#2
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed , 'I'll kick your ass!'
I answered, 'Well, asshole , here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down inmate Blvd. in Fairfax ..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and reporter and camera crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works.

That is priceless WK ~ Thank you!

 

[smoothdevil]

Installation of electric fencing

Thought y'all should read this in case you're
thinking of installing an electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically
in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken
and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It
seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after
all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire
in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the
size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing
I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my
body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel
the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,
but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of
a second . It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around
the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a
farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not
let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill
me. God did not take me that day, he left me there covered
in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower
was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I
was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon
waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I
always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged
before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system
will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.

 

[kayte]

Good morning {{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}

That is really something!

 

[smoothdevil]

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”



The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.



The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.



The older alien said, “I'd calm down if I were you.”



The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.



Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”



The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.”



“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.



Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.



“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”



The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

 

[kayte]

.......The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

That is marvelous! Thank you for sharing {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}

 

[garbage can]

That is marvelous! Thank you for sharing {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}

*****************************

*chuckling*

 

[kayte]

*****************************

*chuckling*

Hi {{{{{{{{Garby}}}}}} Nice to see you.

 

[kayte]

Five Quickie Giggles

1. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

2. There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night!
I finally had to let her out.

3. I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

4. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

5. What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Where's The Tequila?

This guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well . You pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus Car."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You must pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So after thinking it over a while, the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "Okay," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had sex. You have to take care of that problem!"

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, belching all the time, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear screeching, growling, and moaning, coming from the back area; suddenly they hear the pit bull bellowing loudly and the guy screaming. Then, nothing but total silence!

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and large scratches bleeding all over his body.

"Now" he says, "where's that old woman with the bad tooth.

 

[smoothdevil]

Five Quickie Giggles

1. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

------------

5. What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat

 

[curl4ever]

Five Quickie Giggles
...

Love those quickies! Thanks, kayte.

 

[omahaman2]

WHY MEN CAN PEE STANDING UP.

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he thought He might just as well ask.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and said to God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam this thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place -- first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feel away -- laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve. "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left." "What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God