Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Where's The Tequila?

This guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well . You pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus Car."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You must pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So after thinking it over a while, the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "Okay," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had sex. You have to take care of that problem!"

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, belching all the time, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear screeching, growling, and moaning, coming from the back area; suddenly they hear the pit bull bellowing loudly and the guy screaming. Then, nothing but total silence!

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and large scratches bleeding all over his body.

"Now" he says, "where's that old woman with the bad tooth.

That has me LMAO!

 

[kayte]

Either blond or ?
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their> nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here? " "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know.
So I told him, "Hello-O-O-O-O-O, those are my emergency flashers!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Either blond or ?
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their> nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here? " "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know.
So I told him, "Hello-O-O-O-O-O, those are my emergency flashers!"

LMAO ..... great ....

 

[limiwa]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.

So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

[curl4ever]

WHY MEN CAN PEE STANDING UP.

Either blond or ?

An elderly Italian man ...

Dear omahaman2, kayte, and limiwa,
Thank you very much for those excellent contributions!
- curl

 

[kayte]

LMAO ..... great ....

Glad you like it.

 

[kayte]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.

So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

Thank you limi ~ That is so BAD!

 

[kayte]

Dear omahaman2, kayte, and limiwa,
Thank you very much for those excellent contributions!
- curl

Good afternoon Curl ~ Glad you are enjoying the funnies. Hope you are having a tremendous Thursday.

 

[curl4ever]

Good afternoon Curl ~ Glad you are enjoying the funnies. Hope you are having a tremendous Thursday.

Absolutely! (I've been trying to focus on doing the right things at the right time this week instead of scrambling, and it has made it a very nice week.) Your funnies always help make it a tremendous day!

 

[kayte]

Absolutely! (I've been trying to focus on doing the right things at the right time this week instead of scrambling, and it has made it a very nice week.) Your funnies always help make it a tremendous day!

TGIF Curl ~ Hope it is a fantastic one for you.

How about this one?

Disease (Groaner Alert!)

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"

The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.

The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

 

[kayte]

Even though I've seen this before, it always makes me laugh. Guess it is the "mental vision" it causes.


Little old lady in the naughty shop


A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she askes the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave ddddiillldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Ddddoooo yyyouuuu cccarrry aaa pppinnkk oonnee, ttteeennn iincches lllong aaanndd aabbbooouutt ttwwoo iincchess tthiicck.aaand rruuns bbby bbbaatteerrieeess?'

The clerk responds: 'Yes we do.'

She asks: 'Ddddooo yyyoouuu kknnooww hhhooww tttooo ttuuurrnn tthhe sssunnoffaaabbiittch offff?

 

[kayte]

Another "repeat" but always brings a laugh to me.


Subject: AAADD



AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!



Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!



Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden.


As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.


As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.


I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.


I lay my car keys on the table,

Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

And notice that the can is full.


So, I decide to put the bills back

On the table and take out the garbage first.


But then I think,

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox

When I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.


I take my cheque book off the table,

And see that there is only one cheque left.


My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,

So I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.


I'm going to look for my cheques,

But first I need to push the Coke aside

So that I don't accidentally knock it over.


The Coke is getting warm,

And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.


As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

A vase of flowers on the counter

Catches my eye--they need water.


I put the Coke on the counter and

Discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back on my desk,

But first I'm going to water the flowers.


I set the glasses back down on the counter,

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

But first I'll water the flowers.


I pour some water in the flowers,

But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.


So, I set the remote back on the table,

Get some towels and wipe up the spill.


Then, I head down the hall trying to

Remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:


The car isn't washed


The bills aren't paid


There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter


The flowers don't have enough water,


There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,


I can't find the remote,


I can't find my glasses,


And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

And I'm really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem,

And I'll try to get some help for it,

But first I'll check my e-mail....


Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,

Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

 

[curl4ever]

TGIF Curl ~ Hope it is a fantastic one for you.

It was. Thanks for the kind thoughts.

I like all three posts! That was a top 10 groaner, a truly inspired sex shop story, and a sad-but-true day's activities.

Have a nice weekend!

 

[omahaman2]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by A gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, It's a Pabst Smir.

 

[kayte]

It was. Thanks for the kind thoughts.

I like all three posts! That was a top 10 groaner, a truly inspired sex shop story, and a sad-but-true day's activities.

Have a nice weekend!

Hey there Curl ~ I am so glad you enjoyed the funnies. Have a magnificent one yourself.

 

[kayte]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by A gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, It's a Pabst Smir.

{{{{{{{{Oman}}}}}}} Such a groaner dear! Thank you sweetie. Have a fantastic weekend. Please give Jenny a hug. She is missed.

 

[kayte]

I couldn't resist sharing......

MUSLIM QUARTERBACK



The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA -BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"


So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he
wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.
You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of
my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you
for making us move to Detroit!"

 

[kayte]

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, There was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.



The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,


'Well, she's there.'

 

[omahaman2]

Good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking One afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?' The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin, but It would make us even.'

 

[omahaman2]

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He also had a beautiful, single daughter. One day, he threw a huge party at which he announced, "I have a proposition to every man here. I will give $1 million or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

Just then, there was the sound of a large splash. The guests turned and saw a man in the pool. They cheered him on as he kept frantically stroking. Finally, the swimmer made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire exclaimed, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the $1 million?"

The man exclaimed, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed my into that water!"

 

[omahaman2]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A penguine takes his over-heated car to the repair shop in a town. The repair man tells him that it might take an hour or so to figure out what the trouble is.

Being as it was a very hot day, the penguine decided to walk about town and see if he could find a cool area. He stumbles upon a little grocery shop a few doors down from where his car is being worked on and goes inside.

He checks out the fruit and vegetable stand, the bread aisle and the canned goods aisle before spotting the frozen foods section. He climbs inside and relishes the coldness as he waits.

About an hour later, the repair man comes into the store to search for the penguine and spots him in the freezer section. Helping him out of it, the repair man says,

"Well, it looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no," says the penguine, "It's just ice cream."

 

[kayte]

A penguine takes his over-heated car to the repair shop in a town. The repair man tells him that it might take an hour or so to figure out what the trouble is.

Being as it was a very hot day, the penguine decided to walk about town and see if he could find a cool area. He stumbles upon a little grocery shop a few doors down from where his car is being worked on and goes inside.

He checks out the fruit and vegetable stand, the bread aisle and the canned goods aisle before spotting the frozen foods section. He climbs inside and relishes the coldness as he waits.

About an hour later, the repair man comes into the store to search for the penguine and spots him in the freezer section. Helping him out of it, the repair man says,

"Well, it looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no," says the penguine, "It's just ice cream."

Hi Jeff ~ Now that is great!

 

[kayte]

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a taxi cab, a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving technical advice for Dell Computers

 

[kayte]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Oman}}}}}}}}}}}}}} That is great!