Blue-eyes-smile
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Laughter is Contagious
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One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis
looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and
flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing
today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken
webslinger so he couldn't do anything.
Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted
Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything
because he needed to fix the Batcar.
Superman began flying around yet again and saw
Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a
Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was
faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and
do Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened.
So Superman flew down, did her faster than a speeding
bullet and flew away.
Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?"
The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know
but my ass is killing me!"
looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and
flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing
today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken
webslinger so he couldn't do anything.
Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted
Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything
because he needed to fix the Batcar.
Superman began flying around yet again and saw
Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a
Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was
faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and
do Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened.
So Superman flew down, did her faster than a speeding
bullet and flew away.
Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?"
The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know
but my ass is killing me!"
smoothdevil
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Chastity
King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.
King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.
King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Diet Advice
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, Florida. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
"Chinese food is loaded with MSG," he continued. "High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, Florida. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
"Chinese food is loaded with MSG," he continued. "High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".
curl4ever
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Dear smoothdevil and kayte,
Many thanks for the great contributions!!!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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LOL LOL LOL ..... had to laugh .... great
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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1. Dusty Skivvies
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer."What the ... ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
"It's not talcum powder," she shot back. "It's 'Miracle Grow'."
2. Ain't It The Truth!
Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
"Now, if you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer."What the ... ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
"It's not talcum powder," she shot back. "It's 'Miracle Grow'."
2. Ain't It The Truth!
Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
"Now, if you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
curl4ever
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That was stellar!!! Thanks, kayte!
done_got_old
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Many believed this day would never come, but in a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.
Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.
Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.
curl4ever
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You got me good with that one! Thanks, d_g_o!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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A trial is taking place in Mississippi. The defendant is a sweet grandmotherly type.
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: What happened?
Little Old Woman: That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: What happened?
Little Old Woman: That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
smoothdevil
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limiwa
Something new every day
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Dear Grandma....
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store
in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in
the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my
own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry
a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.
'Makes your dick look bigger.'
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ?
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store
in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in
the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my
own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry
a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.
'Makes your dick look bigger.'
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ?
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Good afternoon limi ~ That is great! LMAO
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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The vanilla pudding caper!
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared
The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one
or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see
hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least
we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla
pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead,
all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared
The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one
or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see
hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least
we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla
pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead,
all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Football FINALLY makes sense...........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Pinocchio
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
So Pinocchio went to visit old Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper whenever he felt the need.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
"Who needs a girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied.
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
So Pinocchio went to visit old Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper whenever he felt the need.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
"Who needs a girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied.
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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Ouch!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who'd a' thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
What's the matter... doorways not high enough?
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who'd a' thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
What's the matter... doorways not high enough?
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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