Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female :

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Hi cali gold ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread. That is absolutely perfect! Looking forward to seeing you again.

 

[kayte]

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota

factory.....and both were laid off. So...dey went

to the Unemployment Office together.

Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher.

I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it

classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300

a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied,

'Diesel fitter...'The clerk looked up diesel fitter.....

and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the

clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment

compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He

stormed back into the office to find out why his friend

and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.

The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are

labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.' unskilled

'Vat skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da

panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says,

'Yah....... DIESEL FITTER.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota

factory.....and both were laid off. So...dey went

to the Unemployment Office together.

Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher.

I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it




'Vat skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da

panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says,

'Yah....... DIESEL FITTER.'

LOL LOL LOL LOL

 

[kayte]

OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan




What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.




Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

[done_got_old]

OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

I'm still laughing. Thanks

 

[kayte]

I'm still laughing. Thanks

Good afternoon {{{{{DGO}}}}} So glad you enjoyed them.

 

[kayte]

A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few weeks, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs.
She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.
"Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.
"Good," she replied. "What is it?"
"Autumn!" he said.

 

[kayte]

Gross but Funny!

Saving It

Little Johnny's mother was shocked to catch her young son masturbating. She sat him down and had a talk with him.
"Honey, you want to be a good boy, right? Well, good little boys save that until they're married."
A few weeks later, she had another talk with Little Johnny.
"So, John, how are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear? Are you 'saving it' for marriage?"
Little Johnnie pulled a jar out from under his bed. "I'm doing great, Mom! So far, I've got nearly a quart!"

 

[smoothdevil]

"The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion
tamer and two people show up. One is
a good looking, older retired golfer
in his late sixties and the other is
a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm
not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so
you two had better be good or you're
history Here's your equipment --
chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge
her. About half way there, she
throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss her entire
body for several minutes
and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display
like that in my life." He then turns to
the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem!
Just get that damn lion out of the way!"

 

[done_got_old]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

 

[kayte]

"The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion
tamer and two people show up. One is
a good looking, older retired golfer
in his late sixties and the other is
a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm
not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so
you two had better be good or you're
history Here's your equipment --
chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge
her. About half way there, she
throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss her entire
body for several minutes
and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display
like that in my life." He then turns to
the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem!
Just get that damn lion out of the way!"

Hi {{{{{{{Smooth}}}}} LMAO!

 

[kayte]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Good morning {{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}

That is simply marvelous!

 

[kayte]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye
Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl
said,
"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later as the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers.

They went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye
Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his
office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt
safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he
stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:


This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

great .... LOL LOL LOL

 

[omahaman2]

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained.

"Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully. The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

[neighbourly]

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
" Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

 

[neighbourly]

"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart"

 

[neighbourly]

A surgeon, a civil engineer and a software engineer were chatting at a bar.

The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest.

The surgeon said that his was, since in the book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, and surly that involved surgery.

The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surly a feat of civil engineering.

The software engineer just smiled and said "Where do you think the chaos came from?"

 

[neighbourly]

A man and his wife were traveling and his wife was berating him mile after mile about his driving. Finally the man stopped for gas and while he was pumping the gas a local said "where youall from?", The wife rolled down her window and said"WHAT'D HE SAY?" The husband patiently repeated the question and she rolled up her window.

The local said "They sure have good barbeque where you are from, don't they?", again the wife rolled down the window and demanded "WHAT'D HE SAY?", again the husband patiently repeated the question to the little woman.

The local then said "I had the worst sex I ever had in my life in your hometown", Once again, the wife rolled down her window and screamed "WHAT'D HE SAY" Her husband never blinked an eye and replied "He said he thinks he knows you!!"

 

[neighbourly]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his backpockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.


The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

 

[neighbourly]

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing over what type of engineer god was.

The ME pointed to the body's intricate skeletal/muscular system and proudly stated that god must have been an ME.

The EE said that was ok but he felt that the brain and nervous system were of such incredible design and complexity that god had to be an EE.

The ME and the EE both looked at the Civil engineer who was smiling at their discussion. "I suppose you think god was a civil engineer" they said. "Of course" replied the CE. "Who else would run a sewer system through a major ecreational area"?

 

[neighbourly]

Jesus was in His office one day, and His angel secretary came in and said "You know, you should get out into the world more so that people see more of you".

Jesus thought about that, and decided it would be a good idea. So, He closed His office and went down to earth.

As he was walking around and visiting the people, He came into a village and saw a carpenters shop, so he went in.

There was an old man behind the counter and Jesus stuck up a conversation with him.

Jesus remarked that it was strange to see a carpenters shop in that small village.

The old man explained. He said "I had a son, but he left one day and never returned. I figured that if I opened this carpenters shop - one day he would return.

Jesus looked at the old man and said "Father?" The old man squinted at Jesus and asked "Pinochio?"

 

[curl4ever]

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. ...

All very funny! Thanks, neighbourly!
- curl

 

[neighbourly]

After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor.

 

[neighbourly]

We all know the story of Jack Schitt But do you know about Vincent Van Gogh's family?

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones..
.
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...................... U. Gogh

The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh

The sister who wore a mini skirt and like to dance in bars ... Go Gogh

The real obnoxious brother .................................... Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ................................... Gotta Gogh

The uncle who worked at a convenience store .................. Stop N Gogh

His dizzy aunt ............................................... Verti Gogh

The cousin that moved to Illinois ............................ Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ................................... Wherediddy Gogh

The cousin who lived in Mexico ............................... Amee Gogh

Another cousin who lived in Mexico ........................... Grin Gogh

Nephew that drove a stage coach ...........................Wells Far Gogh

Uncle who was constipated .................................... Cant Gogh

Aunt who was a good dancer .................................. Tan Gogh