Laughter is Contagious

[neighbourly]

Pat and Mike died. Pat, being the good guy all his life went to Heaven and started playing the harp on cloud 9. Day after day he played the harp. Finally he said to St. Peter, "I know Mike went to hell because he was such a bad guy all his life.

Can I go visit him for just a short visit?" St. Peter said "This is very unusual but I'll let you go just for a very short visit" Upon arrival in hell Pat found Mike sitting in a bar with a bottle of beer in his hand and a blond on his knee.

"Wow, said Pat, you were so bad all your life and you end up like this and all I get to do is play a harp. This doesn't seem fair."

"Well" said mike, "it's not as good as it seems. You see this beer bottle has a hole in it's bottom. And the blond doesn't!"

 

[neighbourly]

The DANGERS OF GETTING OLD

Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday.

They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present."

He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "I am yours for super sex", she answers.

He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup."

 

[neighbourly]

Old couple sitting on porch one evening when wife suddenly slaps the man. "What was that for?" he said. "That was for 50 years of poor sex" she said. Things were quiet for awhile, then the man slaps her. "What was that for" she asked. "That was for you knowing it was poor," he said.
=============================
Two old men sitting in rockers on front porch of rest home when a young lady walks by wearing mini skirt. Bill said, "Joe you see that?" Joe: "Yeah I do Bill, nice ain't it". Bill: rocking fast, "I would like to take her out, wine her and dine her and ----, (rocking slowing now) and ----Joe what's that other thing we used to do?

Old couple watching chickens in yard. Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn. Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?" He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time.

 

[neighbourly]

Hobo traveling thru countryside stops at widows house and does some chores in exchange for food.

She invites him to spend the night as she would have more work for him to do next day. As they were preparing to get into the only bed she places a pillow in middle to keep the sides of bed seperated. Next day they were both working in the yard when a gust of wind blows her bonnet off and over a fence. Hobo says, "I'll get it for you mam". She says "Never mind, I will get it myself, if you can't climb over a pillow, there is no way you can climb over that fence."

 

[neighbourly]

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.

The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.

The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said,

"There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

 

[neighbourly]

You're traveling in the South. There are three potatoes sitting on the curb. How do you tell which is the prostitute? The one that has the sign that says IDAHO

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Irish Potatoe and Idaho Potatoe had a daughter named Tater Tot. Tater Tot came home one day and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Her parents exclaimed,"Oh no! You can't marry Dan Rather. He is a "commen-tater".
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There was a psychiatrist and a proctologist with separate offices who decided they could save money if they set up an office together. They were trying to think up a name for their practice. One came up with the name "Rears and Queers". The other one said "no, some people object to the word queers". He said how about "Butts and Nuts". The other one said "no, some people don't like the word "butts". So they decided to call it "Odds and Ends".

 

[neighbourly]

BREWSTER THE ROOSTER --My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. Hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine cock he was - and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprize.

 

[neighbourly]

This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his sex life lowered. The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old." The doctor said that's rediculous for a man of your age to ask that his sex life be lowered. It's all in your head. The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered."
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This 80 year old man wanted to marry a 21 year-old blond chick that wanted children. So he went to his doctor and asked if he was in good enough physical shape to father a child and what could he do to help with the costs.

The doctor said he was in excellent shape and suggested he take in a boarder. The following year, he returned for his annual physical and the doctor asked him how the marriage was and if his wife was pregnant.

"Yes," he said. Then the doctor asked if he had taken in a boarder and did this work out. "It worked out fine, but now she's pregnant too!"

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The nice thing about being senile -- you are always meeting new friends!

I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top.

Three ministers were together one day and the subject of: When does life begin came up. The youngest said, "Life begins at conception." Another said, "No, life begins at birth!" The old wise minister stated, "No life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog dies!"

 

[DDgirl]

One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent.

The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
'You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra.'
This was
beyond
a silent response...

So she rolled over
and
grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place,
she said...
'You know,
if you
firmed this up,
we could
get rid of
the gardener ,
the postman,
the pool man
and your brother!'

 

[curl4ever]

BREWSTER THE ROOSTER ...

<groan> Excellent! Thanks, neighbourly!

One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...

Very very nice! Thanks, DDgirl!

 

[kayte]

"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart"

Hi neighborly ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread. That is great. Thank you.

 

[kayte]

A surgeon, a civil engineer and a software engineer were chatting at a bar.

The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest.

The surgeon said that his was, since in the book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, and surly that involved surgery.

The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surly a feat of civil engineering.

The software engineer just smiled and said "Where do you think the chaos came from?"

That is great! Thank you so much for the big grin!

 

[limiwa]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Th en I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

[kayte]

A man and his wife were traveling and his wife was berating him mile after mile about his driving. Finally the man stopped for gas and while he was pumping the gas a local said "where youall from?", The wife rolled down her window and said"WHAT'D HE SAY?" The husband patiently repeated the question and she rolled up her window.

The local said "They sure have good barbeque where you are from, don't they?", again the wife rolled down the window and demanded "WHAT'D HE SAY?", again the husband patiently repeated the question to the little woman.

The local then said "I had the worst sex I ever had in my life in your hometown", Once again, the wife rolled down her window and screamed "WHAT'D HE SAY" Her husband never blinked an eye and replied "He said he thinks he knows you!!"

Absolutely priceless neighborly!

 

[kayte]

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing over what type of engineer god was.

The ME pointed to the body's intricate skeletal/muscular system and proudly stated that god must have been an ME.

The EE said that was ok but he felt that the brain and nervous system were of such incredible design and complexity that god had to be an EE.

The ME and the EE both looked at the Civil engineer who was smiling at their discussion. "I suppose you think god was a civil engineer" they said. "Of course" replied the CE. "Who else would run a sewer system through a major recreational area"?

That is absolutely wonderful! LMAO. Need to share that with my Dad, uncle, brothers, niece and nephew. Like me they are all engineers of one sort or another.

 

[kayte]

Jesus was in His office one day, and His angel secretary came in and said "You know, you should get out into the world more so that people see more of you".

Jesus thought about that, and decided it would be a good idea. So, He closed His office and went down to earth.

As he was walking around and visiting the people, He came into a village and saw a carpenters shop, so he went in.

There was an old man behind the counter and Jesus stuck up a conversation with him.

Jesus remarked that it was strange to see a carpenters shop in that small village.

The old man explained. He said "I had a son, but he left one day and never returned. I figured that if I opened this carpenters shop - one day he would return.

Jesus looked at the old man and said "Father?" The old man squinted at Jesus and asked "Pinochio?"

That is so bad it is good!

 

[kayte]

The DANGERS OF GETTING OLD

Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday.

They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present."

He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "I am yours for super sex", she answers.

He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup."

Now that one has me LMAO!

 

[kayte]

Old couple sitting on porch one evening when wife suddenly slaps the man. "What was that for?" he said. "That was for 50 years of poor sex" she said. Things were quiet for awhile, then the man slaps her. "What was that for" she asked. "That was for you knowing it was poor," he said.
=============================
Two old men sitting in rockers on front porch of rest home when a young lady walks by wearing mini skirt. Bill said, "Joe you see that?" Joe: "Yeah I do Bill, nice ain't it". Bill: rocking fast, "I would like to take her out, wine her and dine her and ----, (rocking slowing now) and ----Joe what's that other thing we used to do?

Old couple watching chickens in yard. Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn. Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?" He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time.

Definitely groaners ~ They are great!

 

[smoothdevil]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should
eventually make a full recovery.

 

[kayte]

1Q. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
1A. Outlaws are wanted.

2Q. What should a woman say to man she's just had sex with?
2A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

3Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
3A. Ugly sheep.

4Q. How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?
4A. It isn't hard.

5Q. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
5A. Call her with your cell phone.

 

[curl4ever]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven...

Loved that story! Thanks, limiwa!

 

[omahaman2]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

[kayte]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Good afternoon {{{{{Oman}}}}}}}} That is so funny! Thank you sweetie.

 

[done_got_old]

Moms in Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'

 

[done_got_old]

A human being was successfully cloned in Holland. It was perfect in every way, except no matter what they tried they couldn't get the clone to stop using foul gestures and language.

Finally, the enraged scientist in charge of the project pushed him out of a window, and the clone fell to his death.


Since he wasn't an actual human, the legal system couldn't figure out how the scientist should be charged.

They finally charged him with making an obscene clone fall.