Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Kayte I've been M.I.A but as you can see I came back

You were missed Kitten ~ It is grand you dropped in again. Hope you are having a wonderful spring where you are.

 

[kayte]

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana ..
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and put it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the
surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of
the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish
shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Thank you lakesailer ~ I am LMAO! And yes it is all a matter of degree....

 

[kayte]

Happy Easter

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him
What Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and
We give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
Exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So,
Tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
Festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
When he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
Behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder
And Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of
Basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

 

[curl4ever]

Happy Easter

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him
What Easter was.
...

Outstanding! Thanks, kayte. (and Happy Easter)

 

[kayte]

Outstanding! Thanks, kayte. (and Happy Easter)

Thank you {{{{{Curl}}}}} Hope you had a grand one too.

 

[kayte]

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," responded her husband.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males and two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone," he replied.

 

[smoothdevil]

Years of Math 1959-2009 (in the USA )




Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?



Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:




1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?




2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?




3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?




4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.




5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)




6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

[kayte]

Years of Math 1959-2009 (in the USA )




Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?



Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:




1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?




2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?




3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?




4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.




5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)




6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

That is so scary because it is true!

 

[smoothdevil]

Maxine .....

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ...

"Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is so Good

 

[done_got_old]

Will I Live to see 80?


Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit

 

[kayte]

Maxine .....

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ...

"Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is so Good

ROTFLMAO!

 

[kayte]

Will I Live to see 80?


Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit

Good evening {{{{{DGO}}}}

There is something to that!

 

[kayte]

Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, 'I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car.'
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, 'Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut.'
The young man paused a moment, and then said,
'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?'

 

[ms_interpretation]

Maxine .....

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ...

"Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is so Good

your timing is perfect. i needed this laugh today.

Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, 'I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car.'
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, 'Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut.'
The young man paused a moment, and then said,
'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?'

cute

 

[Slow Ride469]

Some guys just don't get it...

Wellhung:
Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart:
I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung:
I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart:
I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung:
OK.
Sweetheart:
We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung:
I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart:
I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung:
Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart:
I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung:
I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart:
I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung:
My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart:
That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung:
I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart:
Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung:
I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart:
I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung:
How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart:
I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung:
I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart:
I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung
I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart:
What?
Wellhung:
I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart:
I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung:
I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart:
OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung:
I'm squealing like a schoolgirl. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart:
I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung:
I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart:
What's the matter?
Wellhung:
I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart:
Are you OK?
Wellhung:
I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart:
Can I help?
Wellhung:
I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart:
In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung:
I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart:
Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung:
I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart:
I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung:
I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart:
Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung:
I found it.
Sweetheart:
I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung:
Me too.
Sweetheart:
Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung:
Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart:
Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung:
OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart:
I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung:
I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart:
Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung:
I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart:
I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung:
I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart:
What's the matter now?
Wellhung:
I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart:
Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung:
OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart:
Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung:
I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart:
I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung:
I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart:
What?
Wellhung:
I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart:
I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung:
I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart:
No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung:
No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart:
I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung:
I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart:
Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung:
Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart has logged off

 

[kayte]

Some guys just don't get it...

Wellhung:
Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart:
I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung:
I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart:
I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung:
OK.
Sweetheart:
We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung:
I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart:
I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung:
Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart:
I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung:
I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart:
I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung:
My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart:
That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung:
I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart:
Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung:
I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart:
I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung:
How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart:
I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung:
I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart:
I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung
I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart:
What?
Wellhung:
I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart:
I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung:
I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart:
OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung:
I'm squealing like a schoolgirl. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart:
I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung:
I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart:
What's the matter?
Wellhung:
I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart:
Are you OK?
Wellhung:
I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart:
Can I help?
Wellhung:
I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart:
In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung:
I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart:
Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung:
I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart:
I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung:
I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart:
Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung:
I found it.
Sweetheart:
I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung:
Me too.
Sweetheart:
Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung:
Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart:
Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung:
OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart:
I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung:
I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart:
Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung:
I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart:
I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung:
I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart:
What's the matter now?
Wellhung:
I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart:
Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung:
OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart:
Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung:
I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart:
I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung:
I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart:
What?
Wellhung:
I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart:
I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung:
I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart:
No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung:
No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart:
I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung:
I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart:
Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung:
Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

{{{SlowRide}}}} So nice to see you.

That is hysterical! Thank you so much!

 

[Slow Ride469]

{{{SlowRide}}}} So nice to see you.

That is hysterical! Thank you so much!

Thank you Darlin'.......nice to see you too

 

[smoothdevil]

Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
i---------------------
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?'

great ... parents have to be on their toes ... lol lol

 

[smoothdevil]

Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)"


These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Iraq and will be given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale
Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter

 

[kayte]

Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)"


These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Iraq and will be given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale
Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter

ROTFLMAO

Sounds like a plan!

 

[omahaman2]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Tony, do you have a story to share?

Yes ma'am, my Daddy told me a story about my Aunt Sophie when she was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got shot down.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break when she landed. However, her parachute ended up landing right in the middle of the enemy troops.

So she shot fifteen of them with her gun until she ran out of bullets - then killed four more with her knife and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. What kind of moral did your Daddy try and tell you from this horrible story ?

He told me to stay the f**k away from Aunt Sophie when she's drinking.

 

[pleaz_me]

I keep seeing this thread pop up and keep missing Techie.

 

[kayte]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Tony, do you have a story to share?

Yes ma'am, my Daddy told me a story about my Aunt Sophie when she was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got shot down.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break when she landed. However, her parachute ended up landing right in the middle of the enemy troops.

So she shot fifteen of them with her gun until she ran out of bullets - then killed four more with her knife and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. What kind of moral did your Daddy try and tell you from this horrible story ?

He told me to stay the f**k away from Aunt Sophie when she's drinking.

Thank you {{{{{Oman}}}}}

 

[kayte]

I keep seeing this thread pop up and keep missing Techie.

Me too.

But Techie did start a great thread.

 

[kayte]

Guys hear what they want to....

1. Two Guys

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married; did you?"
Ralph replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

2. In Court

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," said the Divorce Court Judge, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," said the husband. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few buck myself."