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Laughter is Contagious

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AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even
look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years
replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from
0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my
shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
 
WALKING THE DOG
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight
attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers
wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man
had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind
because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front
of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot
approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in
Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch
your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would
like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they
looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.. Have a great day and remember...



....THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
 
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself!

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

It pays to be careful around old people!!!


Heck, we'll all be there one day!!!!!
 
done_got_old said:
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself!

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

It pays to be careful around old people!!!


Heck, we'll all be there one day!!!!!
Click to expand...

Groans!!! :D
 
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics.

The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.


AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range..

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, theCatholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.



And yes, I can put this up. I'm Catholic! :D
 
SMART BLONDE

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
 
done_got_old said:
SMART BLONDE

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Click to expand...


Definitely a very wise woman. :D:D:D
 
An English nobleman and his Irish manservant ran into each other in Hell.
"Lord," exclaimed the Irishman, "what are you doing here?"
The nobleman sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were always a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
The Irishman replied, "For fathering a playboy son!"
 
What did one saggy boob say to the other? "We better get a bra, or people are going to think we are nuts!" :D
 
After Being Married For 43 Years, I Took A Careful Look At My Wife One Day And Said, 'honey, 43 Years Ago We Had A Cheap Apartment, A Cheap Car, Slept On A Sofa Bed And Watched A 10-inch Black And White Tv, But I Got To Sleep Every Night With A Hot 21-year-old Gal.

Now I Have A $500,000.00 Home, A $45,000.00 Car, A Nice Big Bed And A Plasma Screen Tv, But I'm Sleeping With A 65-year-old Woman. It Seems To Me That You're Not Holding Up Your Side Of Things.'

My Wife Is A Very Reasonable Woman. She Told Me To Go Out And Find A Hot 21-year-old Gal, And She Would Make Sure That I Would Once Again Be Living In A Cheap Apartment, Driving A Cheap Car, Sleeping On A Sofa Bed And Watching A 10-inch Bla Ck And White Tv.

Aren't Older Women Great? They Really Know How To Solve Your Mid-life Crises!
 
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . .

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?
 
kayte said:
After Being Married For 43 Years, I Took A Careful Look At My Wife One Day And Said, 'honey, 43 Years Ago We Had A Cheap Apartment, A Cheap Car, Slept On A Sofa Bed And Watched A 10-inch Black And White Tv, But I Got To Sleep Every Night With A Hot 21-year-old Gal.
...
Click to expand...
HILARIOUS!!! :D:D:D Thanks, kayte!
 
Proud Mothers

Two Irish mothers were discussing their sons.
The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint; he works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he looked at a woman in three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor."
"My," said the first mother, "you must be so proud."
"Aye, that I am," replied the second. "And when he gets out next month, I'm gonna throw him a party!"
 
James was a bit lonely. He decided to call one of those girls.

He picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl who was posed bent over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!





He figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman said sexily.

Afraid he would lose his nerve if he hesitated he rushed right in.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me

one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what

I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in

your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me

in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!

Now, how does that sound?'







She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.’
 
Wicked_Kitten said:
James was a bit lonely. He decided to call one of those girls.

He picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl who was posed bent over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!





He figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman said sexily.

Afraid he would lose his nerve if he hesitated he rushed right in.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me

one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what

I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in

your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me

in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!

Now, how does that sound?'







She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.’
Click to expand...


Hi Kitten ~ That is outstanding! I love it! :D:D:D
 
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