Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

_________________________________

Why Men Should Not Go To WalMart With Their Wives.

(This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.)


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women--she loved to browse. Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.


Dear Mrs. Omahaman,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. omahaman2 are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's

carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.


6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.


8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'


9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.


12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack, then when people browsed by, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least...


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Good evening {{{{{Oman}}}}} Now that post has such a number of "visuals."

 

[kayte]

keeping up traditions...




LETTER FROM THE BOSS:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.


So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

LMAO

Thank you {{{{{limi}}}}}

 

[kayte]

In the UK, getting STONED is having a fat lady sit on your face

I made that one up-I thought it was funny.

Hi Easy ~ Welcome to the thread.

 

[kayte]

An oldie....

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD!

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blond woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.. "I feel terrible!" he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blond says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead, Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says... (Are you ready for this?)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

Hair Spray “Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter​

 

[omahaman2]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said: "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[kayte]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said: "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Thank you {{{{{Oman}}}}}

ROTFLMAO!!!!

 

[curl4ever]

keeping up traditions...




LETTER FROM THE BOSS:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President ...

Ouch! (but again, very funny) Thanks, limiwa.

 

[kayte]

Divine

At a Hollywood party a few years back, Bill Gates asked Hugh Grant for Divine Brown's phone number.
Bill then called and set up a "date".
When they were finished, Bill collapsed in ecstasy, mumbling, "Now I know why you chose the name, 'Divine'!"
She answered, "Thanks, Bill. And now I know why you chose the name 'Microsoft'!"

 

[curl4ever]

Divine

...

***VERY*** funny!!! Thanks, kayte!

 

[kayte]

***VERY*** funny!!! Thanks, kayte!

Good evening {{{Curl}}}} Glad you liked it. Hope you had a Happy Hump Day!

 

[kayte]

Crabs

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men would like to think.

 

[smoothdevil]

An oldie....

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD!

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blond woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.. "I feel terrible!" he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blond says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead, Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says... (Are you ready for this?)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

Hair Spray “Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter​

groaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn ......... GREAT

 

[curl4ever]

An oldie....

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
...

Don't know how I missed this when it was posted a couple of days ago, but I saw it in the above reply and I love it!!! Thank you, kayte, for posting and thank you limiwa for quoting!

 

[Jekyll87]

Don't know how I missed this when it was posted a couple of days ago, but I saw it in the above reply and I love it!!! Thank you, kayte, for posting and thank you limiwa for quoting!

Dunno if this one has been on this thread before but here goes,

Jon and Jim were two friends always trying to annoy each other. Jon lived on the twentieth floor while Jim lived on the second.

One day Jon invited Jim to dinner, and jammed the elevator. Jim climbed up the stairs only to see a note pinned to Jon's locked door :

I MADE YOU CLIMB THE STAIRS - JON

Jim scribbled something and came back down. An hour later when Jon returned feeling smug, he took one look at his door and cursed loudly.

Below his own writing was written :

I WAS ON TO YOU SO I NEVER CAME UP - JIM.

 

[kayte]

Dunno if this one has been on this thread before but here goes,

Jon and Jim were two friends always trying to annoy each other. Jon lived on the twentieth floor while Jim lived on the second.

One day Jon invited Jim to dinner, and jammed the elevator. Jim climbed up the stairs only to see a note pinned to Jon's locked door :

I MADE YOU CLIMB THE STAIRS - JON

Jim scribbled something and came back down. An hour later when Jon returned feeling smug, he took one look at his door and cursed loudly.

Below his own writing was written :

I WAS ON TO YOU SO I NEVER CAME UP - JIM.

Hi Jekyll ~ Thank you for the funny! What a groaner.

 

[kayte]

In my email this morning.

Q. What's the least sensitive part of a penis?
A. The man behind it

 

[curl4ever]

In my email this morning.

Q. What's the least sensitive part of a penis?
A. The man behind it

Ouch! (Sad but true, I'm afraid.) VERY FUNNY! Thanks, kayte!

 

[kayte]

Ouch! (Sad but true, I'm afraid.) VERY FUNNY! Thanks, kayte!

Good evening {{{{{Curl}}}}} Glad you enjoyed the chuckle. Hope you have a fantastic one.

 

[kayte]

In Bed

A married couple was lying in bed one night.
The wife was curled up, ready to go to sleep; the husband reading a book.
Periodically, he would fondle her "special area" for a few seconds, wait a minute or so, and then fondle her again. She gradually got aroused and soon started rubbing him back.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
She replied, "You were rubbing me downtown. Don't you want to do it?"
"No, not tonight."
"Then what the hell were you doing?"
"Wetting my fingers so I could turn the page!"

 

[Guest]

I wish....

Two golfers out playing golf. They're on the green about to tee off when the one golfer asks his friend "Hey got a light for me" The friend says "Yeah in the main pouch of my golf bag you'll find a lighter" So the golfer goes over to his friends golf bag and pulls out this massive lighter, must be about a foot long. The golfer says "Holy shit where the hell did you get this thing from?" "The friend says "You're not gonna believe it but a genie gave it to me, in the pouch above the one where you found the lighter there's a lantern. Take it out and give it a rub" So the golfer does so and poof out pops a genie. The genie says "Right you've got one wish, what will it be?" The golfer thinks for a second and says "You know I want a million bucks, I want one million bucks" The genie says "Right done" So the friend stands there for a few seconds and all of a sudden the heavens open up and a million ducks start falling down all over the place. The golfer turns around and says to his friend "What the bloody hell is up with this genie, I asked for a million bucks but he gave me a million ducks instead, whats going on?" The friend sighs and says "Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch BIC"

 

[Guest]

Following the fine print

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.


She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

 

[kayte]

Two golfers out playing golf. They're on the green about to tee off when the one golfer asks his friend "Hey got a light for me" The friend says "Yeah in the main pouch of my golf bag you'll find a lighter" So the golfer goes over to his friends golf bag and pulls out this massive lighter, must be about a foot long. The golfer says "Holy shit where the hell did you get this thing from?" "The friend says "You're not gonna believe it but a genie gave it to me, in the pouch above the one where you found the lighter there's a lantern. Take it out and give it a rub" So the golfer does so and poof out pops a genie. The genie says "Right you've got one wish, what will it be?" The golfer thinks for a second and says "You know I want a million bucks, I want one million bucks" The genie says "Right done" So the friend stands there for a few seconds and all of a sudden the heavens open up and a million ducks start falling down all over the place. The golfer turns around and says to his friend "What the bloody hell is up with this genie, I asked for a million bucks but he gave me a million ducks instead, whats going on?" The friend sighs and says "Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch BIC"

Kitten ~ That is absolutely fabulous!

 

[kayte]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.


She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

ROTFLMAO!!!

 

[Guest]

Kayte I've been M.I.A but as you can see I came back

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana ..
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and put it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the
surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of
the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish
shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?