Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Sigh . . .
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I want To.

And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

 

[curl4ever]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

...

Very very nice! Thanks for the laugh, wicked!
(Nice avatar, too.)

 

[omahaman2]

One day three fishermen were out in a boat in the Gulf of Mexico. They had not caught a thing all day when suddenly, one of the fishermen's poles started jerking. He grabbed it and started reeling in his line and shouting, "I got something! I got something! "He had caught a nice fish, about ten inches long. The fishermen were about to revel in his accomplishment when the fish shook the hook out of his mouth and transformed into a being, half man and half fish, sporting a crown and holding a trident. "Who are you?" said the frightened fisherman who had caught him. "I AM NEPTUNE, GOD OF THE SEA, AND I AM GOING TO PUT A CURSE ON YOU LOWLY MORTALS! BEFORE YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY YOUR BOAT WILL SPRING A DOZEN LEAKS! ...NO, MAKE THAT A DOZEN AND A HALF!" And with that, he dove back into the waters. As soon as he was gone, the fishermen's boat had sprung so many leaks they were forced to swim to shore. To this day, they never forgot Neptune's eighteen-holes Gulf curse.

 

[kayte]

One day three fishermen were out in a boat in the Gulf of Mexico. They had not caught a thing all day when suddenly, one of the fishermen's poles started jerking. He grabbed it and started reeling in his line and shouting, "I got something! I got something! "He had caught a nice fish, about ten inches long. The fishermen were about to revel in his accomplishment when the fish shook the hook out of his mouth and transformed into a being, half man and half fish, sporting a crown and holding a trident. "Who are you?" said the frightened fisherman who had caught him. "I AM NEPTUNE, GOD OF THE SEA, AND I AM GOING TO PUT A CURSE ON YOU LOWLY MORTALS! BEFORE YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY YOUR BOAT WILL SPRING A DOZEN LEAKS! ...NO, MAKE THAT A DOZEN AND A HALF!" And with that, he dove back into the waters. As soon as he was gone, the fishermen's boat had sprung so many leaks they were forced to swim to shore. To this day, they never forgot Neptune's eighteen-holes Gulf curse.

{{{{{{Oman}}}}}}}

Such a groaner!

 

[kayte]

Gotta love the Church Bulletin!

1. The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

6. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

7. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

8. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

9. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

 

[deecee53]

What do a G-spot, a womans birthday & the mens urinal have in common ??? Men usually miss all three.......

 

[Guest]

The fury of Nature

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into
the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing
just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke,
a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF...she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"Fred yells, "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

Dave shouts back, "don’t swing, Fred; DON'T
SWING!!!!"

 

[curl4ever]

Narrowly avoided "... and then the fight started"

[Maybe not all that funny, but pretty good for a real-life story]

Last night, my wife decided to change into her flannel nightgown before a late take-out dinner. (OK, so we don't have a very exciting life.) I did a double-take because she looked stunningly sexy. The fabric of her nightgown looked like it was covering something significantly higher, fuller, and about two cup sizes larger than usual. I was about to make a complimentary comment and fortunately kept my mouth shut long enough to avoid one of those "and then the fight started" moments.
.
.
.

Just in the nick of time, I remembered that a few minutes before, I had seen her sitting in the bedroom in her underwear. Clipped to the upper side of her bra cup was her pager from work!
.
.
.

Even beyond the primary offense that the comment would have branded me as an typically-insensitive visually-oriented cad (as you all might suspect from my lit stories), and insulted her natural figure (which I still love), it would have brought up our main hot-button topic: That pager is a huge psychological annoyance and a symbol of everything that is wrong with her co-workers and her company, and it's my fault that she's still working there, etc., etc., etc.
.
.
.

So in honor of my narrowly avoiding World War Three last night, the next round of drinks is on me.


- curl

 

[Guest]

[Maybe not all that funny, but pretty good for a real-life story]

- curl

Smart Save

 

[curl4ever]

Smart Save

Thanks! I attribute it more to luck than skill, though, since my brain doesn't work so well when distracted by my favorite things.

 

[Guest]

Thanks! I attribute it more to luck than skill, though, since my brain doesn't work so well when distracted by my favorite things.

Awww! Sweet

 

[smoothdevil]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into
the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing
just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke,
a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF...she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"Fred yells, "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

Dave shouts back, "don’t swing, Fred; DON'T
SWING!!!!"

super ..... LOL LOL LOL

 

[kayte]

Crotchless Panties

A wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life with her husband.
When she gets home, she puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the settee. At strategic moments she crosses her legs ...
... enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers.
"Thank the stars for that," he exclaimed. "For a moment there I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee."

 

[kayte]

Philosophy of Housekeeping

 

[smoothdevil]

Happy IVGLDSW Day (International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day)

To the Girls !!


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate. (Unknown)



The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber-


Old age ain't no place for sissies . -Bette Davis-


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen -



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-


Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

 

[kayte]

Happy IVGLDSW Day (International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day)

To the Girls !!


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate. (Unknown)



The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber-


Old age ain't no place for sissies . -Bette Davis-


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen -



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-


Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

Thank you {{{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}} Those are great.

 

[kayte]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND,

look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[limiwa]

Crotchless Panties

bhawahahahaha!

thanks Kayte.

 

[smoothdevil]

Priceless Observations Department:




Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

 

[kayte]

Priceless Observations Department:




Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

Good morning {{{{{Smooth}}}}} These are absolutely delightful!! Thank you.

 

[kayte]

Press Release

Scare At Adelaide F.C. (Football Club) Headquarters

Training at West Lakes was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the Club thought it was a prank!!

Team manager Neil Craig immediately suspended training, while police and the ASIO (Australia Special Investigations Office) were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, SA Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

 

[curl4ever]

Press Release

Scare At Adelaide F.C. (Football Club) Headquarters

...

OUCH! Very funny! Vicious, but very funny.
Thanks, kayte!

 

[DDgirl]

In honour of Mother's Day

The Mom Song

 

[kayte]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who> created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.''God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time , I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted.

 

[kayte]

In honour of Mother's Day

The Mom Song

Thank you so much DDgirl!