Laughter is Contagious

[_JollyMon]

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

[curl4ever]

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

...

Great! Thanks, JollyMon!

 

[kayte]

A Problem With Age

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old-man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened.
"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried, too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!?"
The old man replied, "Yep, and not one of us could get thet darn jar open..."

 

[kayte]

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!", the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "No!" By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered, "No!".
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year-old boy shouted out : "YUV GOTTAE BE F*CKN' DEAD! ..."

 

[curl4ever]

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!", the children answered.
...

Hi kayte! Hope you're having a great day.
This church story was priceless! Thanks!

 

[kayte]

Hi kayte! Hope you're having a great day.
This church story was priceless! Thanks!

Good afternoon {{{{Curl}}}} Glad you enjoyed it.

 

[kayte]

Why Fishing is good.

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with
you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,
you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

 

[curl4ever]

Why Fishing is good.

...

Very nice. Makes me imagine lots of other activities. Thanks, kayte!

 

[kayte]

Very nice. Makes me imagine lots of other activities. Thanks, kayte!

Happy Hump Day {{{{{{{{{Curl}}}}}} Yes that it does! Glad you enjoyed it!

 

[kayte]

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa in somewhere in Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million)!

 

[kayte]

A whole-lotta good advice.


An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *

*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*

*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.*

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*

* Every path has a few puddles.*

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*

* Don 't judge folks by their relatives.*

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*

* Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.*

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.*

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.*

* Always drink upstream from the herd.*

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.*

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.*

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*
*Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.*
--
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.

 

[kayte]

A Lesson in Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and
it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.
'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do
I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he
responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until
the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and
said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with
a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[limiwa]

A Lesson in Grammar


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with
a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

lmao....

Thanks Kayte.

 

[kayte]

lmao....

Thanks Kayte.

You are welcome {{{{limi}}}} Glad you enjoyed it.

 

[kayte]

Fish Story

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central
Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin'
a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to
catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them
there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake
and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then
said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really
works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and
waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city
slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never
hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

 

[limiwa]

Fish Story


You can say what you want about the South, but you never
hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

AMEN!!

 

[curl4ever]

A Lesson in Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

...

Priceless!

Fish Story

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central
Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin'
a cove well-known for its fishing.

...

Outstanding!

Thanks for both great stories, kayte!

 

[smoothdevil]

GYNECOLOGIST



GRACE seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

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(Ready for this?)

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(I'm warning you.....)

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(Still not too late....delete now!)

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'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

'You're simply going through the CHANGE !!!!!!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Fish Story

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central
Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

-----------------------------

You can say what you want about the South, but you never
hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

S U P E R ............ LMAOF

 

[smoothdevil]

Why Fishing is good.

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

Truer words were never spoken .... lol .... gone fishing

 

[kayte]

AMEN!!

TGIF {{{{{limi}}}}}}} Glad you liked it. Have a wonderful weekend.

 

[kayte]

Priceless!Outstanding!

Thanks for both great stories, kayte!

TGIF {{{{Curl}}}} Glad you enjoyed them. Have a fantastic Friday and a great weekend.

 

[NattyBumppo]

Candy necklaces...

 

[kayte]

GYNECOLOGIST


GRACE seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late....delete now!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~=~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~=~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~=~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

'You're simply going through the CHANGE !!!!!!!!

Groans!!!
TGIF {{{{{{Smooth}}}}} That is fantastic!!

 

[kayte]

A 75 years old fellow, who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the one day, when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming. Then he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your wife!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me, and I will be your beautiful wife."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.