Laughter is Contagious

[curl4ever]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

...

<groan> But very very funny! Thanks, greycrow!

 

[Kowboy61]

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center .

Could you imagine if he had said,

"FUCK!".

I do not believe that there would have been enough ambulances to take all of those elderly folks who had heart attacks to the hospital.

 

[greycrow]

Could you imagine if he had said,

"FUCK!".

I do not believe that there would have been enough ambulances to take all of those elderly folks who had heart attacks to the hospital.

Sounds like another joke in the making!

this one is a little dated but if you put yourself back a year or two it is still hilarious

LOOKING FOR WORK: An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Texasdoctor says, 'You guys are way behind.

We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work

 

[greycrow]

oh another one

Men,
Strike back!

How
Many men does it take to open a
Beer?

None..
It should be opened when she brings
It.

--------------------------------

Why
Is a Laundromat
A
Really bad place to pick up a
Woman?

Because
A woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
Probably never be able to support you.

------------------------------------

Why
Do women have smaller feet than
Men?

It's
One of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to
Stand closer to the kitchen sink.

------------------------------------
How
Do you know when
A
Woman is about to say something
Smart?

When
She starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

------------------------------------

How
Do you fix a woman's watch?

You
Don't. There is a clock on the
Oven.

------------------------------------

If
Your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
Yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The
Dog, of course. He' ll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------

Scientists
Have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
By 90%.

It's
Called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------------
Why
Do men die before their wives?
They
Want to.

------------------------------------

Women
Will never be equal to men
Until
They can walk down the street with a bald head
And a
Beer gut, and still think they are
Sexy.

 

[curl4ever]

...
------------------------------------
Scientists
Have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
By 90%.

It's
Called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------------
...

Very funny ones! Thanks, greycrow!

 

[smoothdevil]

Heaven is Where:


The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

 

[smoothdevil]

Food For Thought


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!



My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.



In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.



A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.



The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.



I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.



KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.



I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.



Dyslexics Have More Nuf.



In Memorium


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.



Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)



Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?



When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine "Fred".



Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol



I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.



Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.



I am having an out-of-money experience.





Corduroy pillows are making headlines!



I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

 

[limiwa]

E-MOONING!!


We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass : no comment cause those that should listen will not

 

[limiwa]

political commentary?

no, try reality!

In honor of the 44th President of the United States ,
Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new
flavor: " Barocky Road ."
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate,
and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla
portion of the mix is not openly advertised and
usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and
flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a
large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is
taken away and given to the person in line behind
you.
You are left with an empty wallet and no change,
holding an empty cone with no hope of getting
any ice cream.
Are you stimulated?​

 

[smoothdevil]

More food for thought


WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.



I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it..



FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.



Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.



Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.





Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.



In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.



A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.



The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.



I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

....

 

[greycrow]

BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY, DAY 1: All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest
dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY, DAY 2: Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and
dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY, DAY 3: At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and
hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very
attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY, DAY 4: Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain
asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the
night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY, DAY 5: Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went
inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin
for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have
his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY, DAY 6: Last night I saved 1600 lives. Twice.

 

[kayte]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . .. . '
AND DO EVERY THING IT TELLS YOU TO DO. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed he swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center .

Good afternoon greycrow ~ That is so bad! Love it! Thank you!

 

[pleaz_me]

political commentary?

no, try reality!

In honor of the 44th President of the United States ,
Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new
flavor: " Barocky Road ."
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate,
and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla
portion of the mix is not openly advertised and
usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and
flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a
large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is
taken away and given to the person in line behind
you.
You are left with an empty wallet and no change,
holding an empty cone with no hope of getting
any ice cream.
Are you stimulated?​

I love it!!!!!

 

[jcricks]

Not sure if someone has already told this or not but here goes anyways:

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants,

The Bartender says, "Hey Buddy, you know there's a steering wheel hanging out of your pants?"

The Pirate says, "Yar, its drivin' me nuts!"

 

[kayte]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

 

[greycrow]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally ... I assumed you had stolen the car.'

 

[greycrow]

As I age, I'm seeing more of the medical world and its employees. Nowadays the medical profession seems to have more women as physicians and therapists, etc., and in my case a new urologist.

My primary care doctor recently referred me to a "just out of medical school" female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous... as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"

 

[greycrow]

A few Short ones:


I saw a real bargain at K-Mart the other day. They were selling a large box of tampons for only $1.00!.......No strings attached!!


Did you know that half the nudists in the world are crazy? You can see their (they're) nuts!


A Brit, a Scotsman & an Irishman enter a pub; each orders a pint of Guinness.. As the bartender puts the pints in front of the three men, a fly falls into each pint glass. The Brit, completely disgusted, turns to the bartender and says, "This is revolting, I cannot drink this, take it away". The Scot, picks the fly out of his glass, flicks it across the bar, shrugs his shoulders and drinks his beer. The Irishman, turning red, picks up the fly by its wings, shakes it violently and says, "spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!!!!!!"

 

[greycrow]

and one more

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS :lol:

************************************************************************

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors 'daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

******************************************************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

WALTER

 

[tritiusj]

A few musician jokes...

..............

 

[kayte]

The blonde newlywed's cooking diary.


Monday:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors loaned me the extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home to dinner and they found me naked.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice so I took a bath. Can't say it helped the rice.

Thursday:
Tried a new salad recipe. It said "prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Tom asked why I was rolling around the garden.

Friday:
Found easy recipe for cookies that said "put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Something went wrong. When I got home, everything was just as I left it.

Saturday:
Tom went shopping today, brought home a chicken, and asked me to dress it for Sunday. I didn't have any clothes that fit it. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. How disappointing. When it came out, it was still hamburger!

Goodnight, dear diary. Tomorrow I'm gonna buy a bigger oven so I can fix Tom a chocolate moose

 

[limiwa]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get those tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a male neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was impressed, so she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So, twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

 

[limiwa]

sorry if someone posted this already!

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking..


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only..



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.




I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

 

[limiwa]

I love it!!!!!

 

[omahaman2]

I went to a strip mall the other day with my friend. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.