Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

How to treat a woman of a certain Age


RON'S STORY

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Juliet. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?
Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a*** with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Juliet was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it.

 

[kayte]

How to treat a woman of a certain Age


RON'S STORY

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

Hi {{{{{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}}}}} That is great! Thank you. Hope you are having a fantastic weekend.

 

[kayte]

Do What Nonna Says

A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
"He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat.
"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.
"But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family, as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
Nonna fainted!

 

[curl4ever]

Do What Nonna Says

A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
"He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat.
"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.
"But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family, as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
Nonna fainted!

Hello {{{{{kayte}}}}}!
Loved this story! The world needs more disgracing like that!
Have a beautiful day!

 

[Guest]

Paybacks a...

A man walks into a bar one night.He goes up to the bar
and asks for a beer.
"certainly,sir,that'll be 1 cent."
"one penny?!"exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied."yes"
So,the guy glances over at the menu,and he asks,"could
I have a nice juicy T-bone steak,fries and a salad?"
"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, "but that all comes to real money."
"how much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies
"Four cents?!"exclaims the guy. "wheres the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife."
The Guy says,"whats he doing with your wife?."
The bartender replies,"Same as what I'm doing to his business!"

 

[Guest]

How the fight started...

I apologize if these have been posted before.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…

 

[kayte]

Hello {{{{{kayte}}}}}!
Loved this story! The world needs more disgracing like that!
Have a beautiful day!

Good afternoon {{{{{Curl}}}}}

Glad you liked it. Have a marvelous one yourself!

 

[kayte]

A man walks into a bar one night.He goes up to the bar
and asks for a beer.
"certainly,sir,that'll be 1 cent."
"one penny?!"exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied."yes"
So,the guy glances over at the menu,and he asks,"could
I have a nice juicy T-bone steak,fries and a salad?"
"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, "but that all comes to real money."
"how much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies
"Four cents?!"exclaims the guy. "wheres the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife."
The Guy says,"whats he doing with your wife?."
The bartender replies,"Same as what I'm doing to his business!"

Good afternoon Kitten ~ That is such a great one. Thank you for sharing!

 

[kayte]

I apologize if these have been posted before.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…

No apologies ever needed sweetie. These bring a smile to our faces.

 

[smoothdevil]

Do What Nonna Says

A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
"He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat.
"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.
"But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family, as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
Nonna fainted!

LOL LOL LOL ..... great

 

[limiwa]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'



She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free.'



Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he
replies,



'I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year'


sorry if it is a repeat

 

[limiwa]

variation on a theme...

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother…
'Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole

 

[limiwa]

this is where i buy all my cards ...

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

(Outside card) - I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. (Outside card) - I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. (Outside card) - As the days go by, I think how lucky I am
(Inside card) - that you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. (Outside card) - Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
(Inside card) - will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. (Outside card) - Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. (Outside card) - Happy Birthday - you look great for your age!
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. (Outside card) - When we were together, you said you'd die for me.
(Inside card) - Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. (Outside card) - We've been friends for a very long time.
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. (Outside card) - I'm so miserable without you!
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. (Outside card) - Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. (Outside card) - You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. (Outside card) - Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday!
(Inside card) - But then we realized you’re not worth it.

13. (Outside card) - Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (available only in Alabama, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas and select counties in Kentucky)

14. (Outside card) - Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. (Outside card) - Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

 

[curl4ever]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'



She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free.'



Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he
replies,



'I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year'


sorry if it is a repeat

I never heard that one before, and I found it stunningly funny!
Sadly, it hits too damn close to home, but in an extremely funny way!
Thanks so much, limiwa!!!
(Now to figure out who I can email this to... )

 

[curl4ever]

this is where i buy all my cards ...

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

...

Excellent, excellent! Now I am in a very good mood! Thanks, limiwa!

 

[kayte]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'



She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free.'



Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he
replies,



'I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year'


sorry if it is a repeat

Hi {{{{{limi}}}}} That is great! It put a big smile on my face.

 

[kayte]

variation on a theme...

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother…
'Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole

I love it!!

 

[kayte]

this is where i buy all my cards ...

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

(Outside card) - I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. (Outside card) - I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. (Outside card) - As the days go by, I think how lucky I am
(Inside card) - that you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. (Outside card) - Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
(Inside card) - will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. (Outside card) - Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. (Outside card) - Happy Birthday - you look great for your age!
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. (Outside card) - When we were together, you said you'd die for me.
(Inside card) - Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. (Outside card) - We've been friends for a very long time.
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. (Outside card) - I'm so miserable without you!
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. (Outside card) - Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. (Outside card) - You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. (Outside card) - Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday!
(Inside card) - But then we realized you’re not worth it.

13. (Outside card) - Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (available only in Alabama, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas and select counties in Kentucky)

14. (Outside card) - Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. (Outside card) - Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

{{{{{Limi}}}}}} Those are absolutely marvelous!

 

[smoothdevil]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'



She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free.'



Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he
replies,



'I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year'


sorry if it is a repeat

G R E A T

 

[__Nathan1968]

Man comes home and loudly announces to his wife "Pack a suitcase, I just won the lottery"

His wife "Oh honey, that's fantastic! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

He says "I don't give a shit, just as long as you get the fuck out!"

 

[Guest]

Man comes home and loudly announces to his wife "Pack a suitcase, I just won the lottery"

His wife "Oh honey, that's fantastic! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

He says "I don't give a shit, just as long as you get the fuck out!"

{Snickers quietly}

 

[kayte]

Man comes home and loudly announces to his wife "Pack a suitcase, I just won the lottery"

His wife "Oh honey, that's fantastic! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

He says "I don't give a shit, just as long as you get the fuck out!"

Hi Nathan ~ Welcome to the thread.

 

[kayte]

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.



There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.
(Sometimes timing is everything)

 

[kayte]

Bob & the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money

 

[curl4ever]

Bob & the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money

Great one! Thanks, kayte!