Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Great one! Thanks, kayte!

Good evening {{{{{Curl}}}}}} Glad you liked it.

Of course, then there is this one:


If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.


Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.


Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Pass this on to all your friends, just in case they're having a bad day!!!

 

[curl4ever]

Good evening {{{{{Curl}}}}}} Glad you liked it.

Hellooooo, {{{{{kayte}}}}}!
Without fail, the first thing I do when I get home is read the humor thread on Literotica.
Thanks for making it such an enjoyable experience.

 

[Guest]

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Pass this on to all your friends, just in case they're having a bad day!!!

I love my job

 

[kayte]

Hellooooo, {{{{{kayte}}}}}!
Without fail, the first thing I do when I get home is read the humor thread on Literotica.
Thanks for making it such an enjoyable experience.

Happy Weekend {{{{{Curl}}}}} I'm glad you enjoy them. It is always fun to share a smile or two.

How about this one?



How To Get Your Wife To Climax - Irish Style

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem and since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village, they went to see the Veterinarian.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told Paddy and Maggie to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and, in a boasting voice, said: "And that, me son, is how ya waves a towel."

 

[curl4ever]

How To Get Your Wife To Climax - Irish Style

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
...

Very funny, kayte!

It's a stunning example of how men, when presented with a problem, are always too focused on finding a solution.

Hope you have a great weekend!

 

[kayte]

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ' Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot? ' The parrot says, ' I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. ' Holy crap, ' the guy replies. You actually understood and answered me! ' I got every word, ' says the parrot. ' I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird ' ' Oh yeah? ' the guy asks, ' Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet? '

'Well, ' the parrot says, ' this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers. ' Wow, ' says the guy. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can companion. The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ' Sorry, but I just can't afford that. ' ' Pssssssst, ' says the parrot, 'I' m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer! '

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the> parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ' Psssssssssssst, ' and motions him over with one wing. ' I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.. ' ' What are you talking about? ' asks the guy. ' When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.

' WHAT??? ' the guy asks incredulously.. ' THEN what> happened? ' Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over, reported the parrot. ' NO! ' he exclaims. ' And she let him? ' ' Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.... ' Then the frantic guy demands, ' THEN WHAT HAPPENED? '

' Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! '

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

 

[omahaman2]

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85- year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says... "WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"

 

[kayte]

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

Thank you {{{{{Oman}}}}} That is absolutely priceless!

 

[smoothdevil]

Political Correctness



Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this.



Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness."



The winner wrote:


"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end".

 

[kayte]

Political Correctness



Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this.



Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness."



The winner wrote:


"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end".

Good morning {{{{{Smooth}}}}} That is great. Looks like the perfect thing to put in a sig line. But mine is already full.

 

[kayte]

Seniors' prenuptual agreement


An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: "I want to keep my house."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "I want to keep my Cadillac."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "I want to have sex six times a week."
He said: "Put me down for Fridays."

 

[msmaggie]

Male strippers

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!

 

[greycrow]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please!!!! Please!!!! allow me to help. I'm a Physical
Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she
told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?



He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.......

 

[greycrow]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this: with the Three Kick Rule. The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[kayte]

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!

Good morning Msmaggie ~ That is priceless! Thank you so much.

 

[kayte]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please!!!! Please!!!! allow me to help. I'm a Physical
Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she
told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?



He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.......

Hi greycrow ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread. That is hysterical! Thank you so much.

 

[kayte]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this: with the Three Kick Rule. The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Another wonderful one! Thank you so much!

 

[smoothdevil]

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

 

[greycrow]

Hi greycrow ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread. That is hysterical! Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for the welcome - I love a good laugh - it massages the liver

here is another one

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile..

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

 

[greycrow]

and here is another

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

 

[greycrow]

and one more

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, Liberals and NDP, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the

Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

 

[kayte]

Thank you so much for the welcome - I love a good laugh - it massages the liver

here is another one

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile..

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

That they are!

 

[kayte]

and here is another

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

Marvelous I will be sending that to my Dad. He is a punster from way back.

 

[kayte]

and one more

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, Liberals and NDP, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the

Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

LMAO!!

 

[greycrow]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . .. . '
AND DO EVERY THING IT TELLS YOU TO DO. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed he swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center .