Laughter is Contagious

[omahaman2]

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become...a real night mare

 

[smoothdevil]

sorry if someone posted this already!

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .



Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.




I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

Cos it's so funny, it's scary .... lol lol lol

 

[smoothdevil]

A Sense of Freshness...


A new supermarket opened in Shelton, CA

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions..

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the
tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies...

I don't buy toilet paper there any
more.

 

[VisualExplorer]

A few from Steven Wright:

- I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

- If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

 

[kayte]

AT 5 MINUTES AND 6 SECONDS AFTER 4 A.M. , ON THE 8TH OF JULY, THIS YEAR, THE TIME AND DATE WILL BE:

04:05:06 07-08-09

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN UNTIL THE YEAR 3009!!!
(I had a deep feeling that you just really needed to know this)

 

[smoothdevil]

Fixing the Economy


Dear Politician and Genius Finanacial Assholes


Please find below my suggestion for fixing the economy.


Instead of giving billions of dollars to the car industry that will squander the money on lavish parties, corporate jets and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.



You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:



There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.


Pay them 1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed.


2) They MUST buy a new CAR. Ten million cars ordered - Automotive Industry fixed.


3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing and Mortgage Crisis fixed.


4) They must send their kids to school / college / university - Crime rate fixed.


5) Buy $50 of alcohol/gas a week - there's your money back in duty / tax etc.


It can't get any easier than that!


P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Now don't try to tinker with this plan, else it will disolve into one more genius screw up.

 

[kayte]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.

Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March........."

 

[kayte]

Fixing the Economy

Good morning {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}} Now that is grand!

 

[smoothdevil]

The youthful look ... turn the plastic knob


A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

'Well, she said, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
.........

 

[smoothdevil]

Elongated penises


Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[smoothdevil]

Actual writings on some patient's cards at Kenyatta Hospital

1. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (!!)

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal over function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Wangui, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

.........................

 

[curl4ever]

Actual writings on some patient's cards at Kenyatta Hospital

...

Hi {{{{{smooth}}}}}!!!

Thanks for the great medical laugh lines!

 

[smoothdevil]

The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

The questions are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (I.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

*********
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

*********
Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

*********
Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

*********
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

*********
Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

*********
She....Would you get married again?
He.....Definitely not!

She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.

She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.

She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.

She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?

She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.

She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.
*********

 

[omahaman2]

Flying over the beach at Malibu, Superman looks down and sees Wonder Woman lying on her back in the nude on the white sands. He zooms down and covers her with his body. Wonder Woman opens her eyes and Superman says, "I'll bet you're surprised." Wonder Woman says, "Not as much as the Invisible Man!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Pickup Line----??


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.? I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

 

[kayte]

Three Dogs at the Veterinarian's Office

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
"I'm a pisser," the Boxer replies, "I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
"So what is the vet going to do?" the Doberman asks.
"Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a digger," said the Labrador. "I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then asks the Doberman why he's at the vet's office.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump - everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 

[smoothdevil]

Three Dogs at the Veterinarian's Office

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
"I'm a pisser," the Boxer replies, "I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
"So what is the vet going to do?" the Doberman asks.
"Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a digger," said the Labrador. "I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then asks the Doberman why he's at the vet's office.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump - everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

LMAO LMAO LMAO ....

 

[smoothdevil]

Religious Conversion


A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi are arguing about who’s the best at his job. So, to solve the argument they agree to each go into the woods, find a lumberjack, and attempt to convert him to their religion. They met one week later to compare how they did.

The Priest begins: "When I found the lumberjack, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a lumberjack by the stream, says the Minister, and I preached him God’s holy word. He was so mesmerized that he allowed me baptize him right there in the mountain stream."

They both look at the Rabbi, who is has a black eye, a split lip, one arm in a cast and a missing front tooth.

The Minister exclaimed, good grief, Rabbi, what happened to you?"

With difficult slurred speech, the Rabbi answered,
"Looking back on things, maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

.........................
__________________

 

[smoothdevil]

Waxing . . . .

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I
see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I
touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

SEALED SHUT!!!!

MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!

SEALED SHUT!!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!******

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter......

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor

Nothing feels better than to have your girliegoodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color

donated by a very funny lady friend (LR)

 

[omahaman2]

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

 

[kayte]

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

{{{{{{Oman}}}}}}

That is wonderful. Had to share it with my Dad. Of course he doesn't know exactly where I got it from!

 

[kayte]

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-o-b.... If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind hem.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night! Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

 

[smoothdevil]

Frustrated

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. “Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”

“Look, I can’t prescribe anything…”

“Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I’m desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.”

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.”

“I don’t know, doc. She’s awfully cold.”

“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”

“Um… okay.” He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting.
When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And, then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes…he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I need a man…”

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me too.”

....

 

[omahaman2]

DEFINITIONS: It may help to say the word out loud...Perhaps Very Slowly.

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 200 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official

 

[kayte]

Questions (don't cheat...answers are below)

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse?

2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?










Answers

1. "Talk"

2. Legs

3. A twenty dollar bill.

4. Firetruck.

5. "Bunt," "hunt," "runt," "punt," "aunt."