Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Too Good To Resist

A man was walking down the street in Venice, California, when he suddenly sees a beautiful woman walking in his direction wearing a very short skirt. He approaches her and says, "Omigod, you're so beautiful and so hot in that outfit, I just have to have you!!! With this kind of look I've got to have you. No matter what, I've just got to have you now!"
"What!? In the middle of the street!?" the surprised woman asked.
"Yes," the man replied. "You are just too good to resist, but don't say anything until you hear my offer. I'll drop $500 on the ground and while you pick it up, I'll be able to do everything I want. OK?"
The woman is about to slap his face but she realizes the $500 he offered would come in handy. Unsure whether to slap him or accept his offer, she gets her cell phone out and calls her best friend for advice.
After listening to her describe the offer, the friend said, "It's not a big problem - it will take him a little while to get his willy out and while he's doing that, just pick up the $500 and run like hell."
The woman thinks this is too good to resist and tells the man she accepts his offer.
The next day the same friend sees the woman walking gingerly toward her as if she had lept on a horse and landed on the saddle horn. "My god," she exclaimed, "what happened to you!?"
"That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 on the street in $1 bills," she replied.

 

[curl4ever]

Too Good To Resist

A man was walking down the street in Venice, California, when he suddenly sees a beautiful woman walking in his direction wearing a very short skirt.
...

Very very very funny! Thanks, kayte!

 

[Kowboy61]

... "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 on the street in $1 bills," she replied.

Excellent Kate! I certainly did not see that coming. Thank you.

 

[Icey*Fire]

Milk Bath

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

 

[Icey*Fire]

Speeding

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you."

 

[smoothdevil]

The Boots



A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Dallas, Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of real cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new cowboy boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!!'=


Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

......................

 

[kayte]

Milk Bath

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

Good morning Icey ~ Thank you for the laugh! Have a grand day.

 

[kayte]

Speeding

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you."

Giggles!!

 

[kayte]

The Boots



A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Dallas, Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of real cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new cowboy boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!!'=


Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

......................

Good morning {{{{{Smooth}}}}} That is great sexy! Have a terrific Tuesday!

 

[kayte]

THIS IS WHY OUR HEALTH CARE IS SO HIGH!!!




Bubba Had Shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running
their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened
to Bubba:



Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance
number and told him to have a seat.


Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and
asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his
height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to
wait in the examining room.


A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba
what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave
Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba
sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you
want me to unload 'em??'

 

[done_got_old]

Michael Jackson, upon arriving at the pearly gates, discovered that he was once again black.

Dismayed, he looked beyond the pearly gates and asked what could be done to bring his whiteness back?

Suddenly a little cloud appeared, and out of the cloud there was a poof .................

"HI! BILLY MAYS HERE ....., WITH OXYCLEAN!"

 

[limiwa]

Michael Jackson, upon arriving at the pearly gates, discovered that he was once again black.

snip

"HI! BILLY MAYS HERE ....., WITH OXYCLEAN!"

you funny, funny woman,...that is terrible. I love it.

 

[smoothdevil]

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A blonde went into a world wide message
centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the
man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and =
followed the man.

Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth
closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....
tentatively said ....

..........
..........
..........

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

..............................................................................

 

[kayte]

Michael Jackson, upon arriving at the pearly gates, discovered that he was once again black.

Dismayed, he looked beyond the pearly gates and asked what could be done to bring his whiteness back?

Suddenly a little cloud appeared, and out of the cloud there was a poof .................

"HI! BILLY MAYS HERE ....., WITH OXYCLEAN!"

Good evening {{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}} That is so bad it is fantastic!

 

[kayte]

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A blonde went into a world wide message
centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the
man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and =
followed the man.

Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth
closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....
tentatively said ....

..........
..........
..........

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

..............................................................................

{{{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}} That is absolutely great!

 

[kayte]

Happy Hump Day all!!

More Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more than human, it's downright natural.
2. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
3. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
4. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
5. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

 

[limiwa]

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly
farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a
visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer
said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer
said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer
said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't
understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer
said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to
church on Sundays.'

The lawyer
said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'
The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer
said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The
farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer
said, 'Does your wife beat you up or
something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the
lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one
last question ...The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our
last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a
dayvorce.'

 

[MrEd63]

Name something that starts with a B ?











Honey

 

[kayte]

Cooking Instructions

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been
changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the
Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol.
Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter
from an unhappy camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week,
I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed
the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you
it tasted horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."

 

[done_got_old]

Cooking Instructions

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been
changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the
Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol.
Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter
from an unhappy camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week,
I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed
the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you
it tasted horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."

very good

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/cajunemployment.jpg

 

[kayte]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/cajunemployment.jpg

TGIF {{{{{DGO}}}}}

That is absolutely perfect!

 

[kayte]

1."In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

2. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

3. A plane was taking off from Kennedy International Airport in New York. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain announced over the intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

[goodgirl79]

Stephen Lynch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKZJM737Zl0

 

[kayte]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't waked him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper read, "It is 5 a.m. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.