Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Oh my, how good is this?

Good afternoon {{{{DGO}}}} Yes that was really something, I knew I had to share it.

 

[kayte]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Thank you {{{{DGO}}}} That is outstanding.

 

[peachydreams]

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you!

 

[curl4ever]

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you!

OOH! Nice one! Thanks, peachydreams!

 

[kayte]

No Fear

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

[done_got_old]

THE MARRIAGE DOT



Finally! Some straight answers on something we didn't understand:



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.

 

[done_got_old]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[curl4ever]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

...

Nice one! Thanks d_g_o!

 

[done_got_old]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'


'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'


'Four months vacation and five good leads.

 

[kayte]

THE MARRIAGE DOT



Finally! Some straight answers on something we didn't understand:



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.

Thank you {{{{{DGO}}}}} That is great!

 

[kayte]

At The Farm

A young boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door.
"Is yer paw home?" a farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with pa."
"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered this for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

 

[kayte]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'


'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'


'Four months vacation and five good leads.

Thank you DGO! That has me grinning from ear to ear!

 

[border_humper]

In keeping with the farm theme a bit...

Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher was getting a new bull.
His three bulls were discussing this pending event.
"I've been here for five years and have earned my keep. I service 100 cows and won't be giving any up to some new comer." Boasts bull one.
"Well, sir, I've been here for three years and have 30 cows to keep happy. I'm doing a good job and don't need any help from outsiders." Says bull two.
Bull three chimes in, "Well, even though I'm the youngest, you have allowed me my 10 cows and I'm not gonna give any of that up now!"
About that time, up pulls an 18-wheeler, and off thunders the biggest, meanest, strongest bull the three had ever seen.
"Well, maybe 100 cows are too many. I'm getting along in years and could use some help. He can have 50 of my cows." Says bull one.
"I'm still young and want to fool around a bit. 50 cows are not worth dying over. He can have 20 of my cows." Agrees bull two.
Bull three lowers his head, starts snorting and pawing the earth like a wild demon. Bull two looks at him and says, "Are you crazy, he'll kill you and take your cows!"
"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'M A BULL!"

 

[Kowboy61]

"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'M A BULL!"

Good one border. This one made me grin.

 

[curl4ever]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
...

At The Farm
...

Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher was getting a new bull....

Dear d_g_o, kayte, and border_humper,
Thanks for the great smiles this morning!
- curl

 

[kayte]

marriage.....

1." I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'."

2. "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months ... I don't like to interrupt her."

3. "Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible."

4. "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge that to let him keep her."

5. "Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."

 

[kayte]

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there. And look at that huge yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," his friend said, "why there aren't there any customers' yachts?"

 

[kayte]

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

 

[kayte]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender interrupts the fourth mathematician... "How about I just give you 2 beers and let you all work the rest out."

 

[limiwa]

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

snort! ya been to the land of nuts and honey lately?

thanks Kayte...

 

[kayte]

snort! ya been to the land of nuts and honey lately?

thanks Kayte...

Hi {{{{{Limi}}}}} No I haven't been there lately. It has been years since I have been to the land of fruits and nuts.

I got that email from a friend of mine who does live in CA and I wanted to share it.

 

[kayte]

Where Are We?

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of Llanfairpwillgwyngyllgogerychwyrndobwilliantysillogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress: "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us?"
"Sure", replied the waitress.
"Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The waitress leaned over and very slowly said: "Burrrrr-gurrrr-Kinngg."

All those letters in the second sentence really do spell out the name of a Welsh town, Voyeurwebbers, and it's pronounced just like it's spelled. Hehehe!

 

[kayte]

Indian Mating Season




Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.





"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave, and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"


He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.





The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?





"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they call 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."





Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.





The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening. He was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"





He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes, and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.












The following day, the headline of the local newspaper

read........ (Get ready-- this will kill ya) ....



















~NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN~

 

[call_me_Melody]

True story...
"Mommy, you are grounded! Go to your room for 5 weeks."
I pout and pretend to look devestated...
"but what about my computer?"
"Ok, take your computer and to to your room for 5 weeks! and NO WORK!"

I just wanted to say... really? Please?!?!?

 

[curl4ever]

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker ...

You know you're from California if: ...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. ...

Good morning, kayte! Loved the jokes!
(And a special thanks for the math joke... delightfully nice!

True story...
"Mommy, you are grounded! Go to your room for 5 weeks."
I pout and pretend to look devastated...
"but what about my computer?"
"Ok, take your computer and to to your room for 5 weeks! and NO WORK!"

I just wanted to say... really? Please?!?!?

Very cute! Good luck with that one! Thanks for posting, Melody.
- curl