Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

WORK

An Israeli doctor says - 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says - 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor says - 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An ILLINOIS doctor, not to be outdone, says - 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS, put him in the White House for THREE MONTHS, and now half the WORLD is looking for work.

 

[kayte]

An "oldie" but good

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
In the morning, the first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
"I am from Baylor University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," she said.
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second woman is strapped in and gives her last words: "I am a pre-law major at Texas A & M and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last woman is strapped into the chair and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas, and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

[limiwa]

sent to me by a dear friend...and made me spew coffee this am...



You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man

who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.




Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster,

extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the

point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to

assassinate President Reagan.




There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been

rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter

from Nancy Reagan the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley

reports to have intercepted:







*

*

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan




My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased

we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our

fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to

know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness

throughout.




The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne

against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of

how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of

desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete

recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy

and productive young man.




Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family




P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging

Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look

into that.

 

[kayte]

Taco Bells Green Menu

 

[done_got_old]

BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER (If you care for such)

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'


He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

'SUPPLIES!!!!'

 

[limiwa]

BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER (If you care for such)

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

'SUPPLIES!!!!'

bawahhahahaha...

funny funny.

 

[limiwa]

yankees...



A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

 

[limiwa]

the joys of teaching...



What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

 

[limiwa]

shame, shame



*John Smith started the day early having set his *
*alarm **clock *

*(MADE IN JAPAN ) for** 6am. *
*While his **coffeepot *

*(MADE IN CHINA )*


*was perking, he shaved with his *

*electric razor*



*(MADE IN HONG KONG .)*


*He put on a *

*dress shirt *

*(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),*



*designer jeans *

*(MADE IN SINGAPORE )*

*and *

*tennis shoes *


*(MADE IN KOREA )*


*After cooking his breakfast in his new *

*electric skillet*>
*(MADE IN INDIA )*



*he sat down with his *

*calculator*

*(MADE IN MEXICO ) *

*to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
*

*watch*


*(MADE IN TAIWAN )*


*to the radio *

*(MADE IN INDIA ) . *

*he got in his car *


*(MADE IN GERMANY ) *


*filled it with GAS*


*(from Saudi Arabia ) *


*and continued his search *




*for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. *


*At the end *

*of yet another discouraging*


*and fruitless day*


*checking his *

*Computer *


*(Made In Malaysia ),*

*John decided to relax for a while.*

*He put on his sandals *

*(MADE IN BRAZIL )*


*poured himself a glass of *


*wine *


*(MADE IN FRANCE ) *



*and turned on his *

*TV *


*(MADE IN INDONESIA ),*

*and then wondered *

*why he can't find *

*a good paying job*

*in AMERICA* *.*
*AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT
MADE IN KENYA.*

 

[kayte]

BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER (If you care for such)

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'


He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

'SUPPLIES!!!!'

{{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[kayte]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

Hi {{{{{{Limi}}}}}} That is great. Quite a visual there too!

 

[kayte]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

Awww {{{{{Limi}}}}} That is grand!

 

[kayte]

*John Smith started the day early having set his *
*alarm **clock *

*(MADE IN JAPAN ) for** 6am. *
*While his **coffeepot *

*(MADE IN CHINA )*


*was perking, he shaved with his *

*electric razor*



*(MADE IN HONG KONG .)*


*He put on a *

*dress shirt *

*(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),*



*designer jeans *

*(MADE IN SINGAPORE )*

*and *

*tennis shoes *


*(MADE IN KOREA )*


*After cooking his breakfast in his new *

*electric skillet*>
*(MADE IN INDIA )*



*he sat down with his *

*calculator*

*(MADE IN MEXICO ) *

*to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
*

*watch*


*(MADE IN TAIWAN )*


*to the radio *

*(MADE IN INDIA ) . *

*he got in his car *


*(MADE IN GERMANY ) *


*filled it with GAS*


*(from Saudi Arabia ) *


*and continued his search *




*for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. *


*At the end *

*of yet another discouraging*


*and fruitless day*


*checking his *

*Computer *


*(Made In Malaysia ),*

*John decided to relax for a while.*

*He put on his sandals *

*(MADE IN BRAZIL )*


*poured himself a glass of *


*wine *


*(MADE IN FRANCE ) *



*and turned on his *

*TV *


*(MADE IN INDONESIA ),*

*and then wondered *

*why he can't find *

*a good paying job*

*in AMERICA* *.*
*AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT
MADE IN KENYA.*

{{{{{{Limi}}}}}} That says it ALL!

 

[kayte]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken..
Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully..
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

 

[done_got_old]

I can imagine there are people on LIT who would love this job!

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken..
Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully..
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

 

[done_got_old]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to fry eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day".

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks", and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken".

 

[Kowboy61]

Sarah Palin

The election is long over. It is time to repair friendships with the other
party.

Ex Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns,
American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Sarah Palin has invited, to the great state of Alaska , the men
who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, along with their wives.
She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three
prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will carry the gun, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins
each evening and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives.

Sarah is such a good sport! She thinks of everything!

 

[curl4ever]

The election is long over. It is time to repair friendships with the other
party.

Ex Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

...

Very nice!!! Thanks, Kowboy!

 

[kayte]

Hymns

On Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate, adding that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and, in thanks, asked her to pick out three hymns.
The old lady's eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 

[done_got_old]

Hymns

On Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate, adding that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and, in thanks, asked her to pick out three hymns.
The old lady's eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

very good

 

[kayte]

The Doctor's Examination

A man recently went into his proctologist's office for his annual rectal exam.
The doctor's new nurse, a stunning blonde, took him to the examining room and told him to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see him. She said the doctor would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown the nurse gave him, he sat down. While waiting, he noticed three items on a stand next to the examination table: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is not my first exam, so I know the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but would please tell me what the beer is for?"
The doctor became noticeably upset, stormed over to the door, flung it open and yelled to his new nurse, "Dammit, Elaine! I said I need a BUTT LIGHT!"

 

[Kowboy61]

The Doctor's Examination

"Dammit, Elaine! I said I need a BUTT LIGHT!"

GROAN, but still pretty good.
Thank you Kayte

 

[done_got_old]

The Doctor's Examination

A man recently went into his proctologist's office for his annual rectal exam.
The doctor's new nurse, a stunning blonde, took him to the examining room and told him to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see him. She said the doctor would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown the nurse gave him, he sat down. While waiting, he noticed three items on a stand next to the examination table: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is not my first exam, so I know the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but would please tell me what the beer is for?"
The doctor became noticeably upset, stormed over to the door, flung it open and yelled to his new nurse, "Dammit, Elaine! I said I need a BUTT LIGHT!"

Oh my, how good is this?

 

[done_got_old]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

 

[kayte]

GROAN, but still pretty good.
Thank you Kayte

HI {{{{{Kowboy}}}}} Been a long time, nice to see you. Glad you liked it.