Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Good morning, kayte! Loved the jokes!
(And a special thanks for the math joke... delightfully nice!Very cute! Good luck with that one! Thanks for posting, Melody.
- curl

Hi {{{{{{Curl}}}}}}} Hope you are having a terrific Tuesday! Glad you enjoyed all of them.

 

[kayte]

True story...
"Mommy, you are grounded! Go to your room for 5 weeks."
I pout and pretend to look devestated...
"but what about my computer?"
"Ok, take your computer and to to your room for 5 weeks! and NO WORK!"

I just wanted to say... really? Please?!?!?

Hi Melody ~ That has me grinning big time, thank you!

 

[kayte]

1. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

2. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

3. Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" t.v.?

4. Why do toaster always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

5. Do the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

6. Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Hehehe!

 

[kayte]

Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks," instructed the doctor. "The time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.!
"Why, that's amazing!", said the doctor. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded. "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No! From the fookin' skippin'!!"

 

[Kowboy61]

Irish Diet

... "No! From the fookin' skippin'!!"

Nice one kayte. Even though the guy followed the doctor's instructions perfectly, I absolutely did not see that coming. I thought that I took things to literaly.

 

[kayte]

Nice one kayte. Even though the guy followed the doctor's instructions perfectly, I absolutely did not see that coming. I thought that I took things to literaly.

Hi {{{Kowboy}}}} Glad you like it. Yes, that literal stuff runs in me too.

 

[kayte]

Top Sex Bumper Stickers

1. Love they neighbor... but don't get caught.

2. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

3. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

4. Sex is my religion. Let us pray!

5. To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.

6. Save a horse. Ride a cowboy.

7. Why do women fake orgasms? Because men fake foreplay.

8. Remember my name ... you'll be screaming it later.

 

[Kowboy61]

Top Sex Bumper Stickers

6. Save a horse. Ride a cowboy.

I agree with number six.

RIDE A KOWBOY!

 

[bisolom]

I agree with number six.

RIDE A KOWBOY!

Excellent thoughts in your sig line.

 

[misfortunex]

1. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

2. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

3. Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" t.v.?

4. Why do toaster always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

5. Do the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

6. Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Hehehe!

Oh my God, I did and they don't. I cant believe I have just sat and done that

 

[Kowboy61]

Excellent thoughts in your sig line.

Thank you.

 

[limiwa]

this made me lmfao...

MY> DADDY IS
AN EXOTIC DANCER

One
day a fourth grade teacher
asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All
the typical answers
came up -- fireman,
mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer,
and so forth.

However, little Justin was
being
uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him
about his father, he
finally replied,
'Okay...my father's an
exotic dancer in a gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men
and they put money
in
his

underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
he
will go home with some guy and
stay with him all night for money.'

The
teacher, obviously shaken by
this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on
some exercises and
then took little
Justin aside to ask him,


'Is
that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said,
'He actually
works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get
Barack Obama elected
President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that
in front of the
class..'


Lil Justin has quite the vocabulary...You go kid!

 

[kayte]

this made me lmfao...

MY> DADDY IS
AN EXOTIC DANCER

One
day a fourth grade teacher
asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All
the typical answers
came up -- fireman,
mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer,
and so forth.

However, little Justin was
being
uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him
about his father, he
finally replied,
'Okay...my father's an
exotic dancer in a gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men
and they put money
in
his

underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
he
will go home with some guy and
stay with him all night for money.'

The
teacher, obviously shaken by
this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on
some exercises and
then took little
Justin aside to ask him,


'Is
that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said,
'He actually
works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get
Barack Obama elected
President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that
in front of the
class..'


Lil Justin has quite the vocabulary...You go kid!

Good morning {{{limi}}}}} That puts it all in perspective.

 

[kayte]

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he
notices that both cars are in the driveway.
His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 a.m. Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through
a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is," Bob explains.
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

 

[curl4ever]

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. ...

<OUCH> Nice one, kayte! Thanks.

 

[done_got_old]

Good morning {{{limi}}}}} That puts it all in perspective.

That's a recycled Bush joke.

 

[kayte]

That's a recycled Bush joke.

Good afternoon {{{{DGO}}}} It is funny in both cases.

Have a fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend.

 

[kayte]

1. Aging

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

2. New Wine

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as ... (are you ready for this?)
... Pino More.

 

[kayte]

That's a recycled Bush joke.

And don't we all encourage recycling?

Have a great day {{{{{DGO}}}}}

 

[curl4ever]

1. Aging...

2. New Wine ...

<groan> ... but great! Thanks, kayte!

 

[kayte]

<groan> ... but great! Thanks, kayte!

Good morning {{{{Curl}}}}} Groaners do have their place.

A couple more....

1. The Rookie

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
"Call for backup," he answered.
He made the force.

2. Military Humor

The commanding general had a female major for his adjutant. Because of this, whenever he had to respond to a call of nature instead of telling her he was off to the latrine he would say, "I'm off to inspect the barracks."
One day, the general comes out of his office and says to the major, "I'm off to inspect the barracks."
The major nodded knowingly but, when the general returned, she noticed he had left his fly open. Thinking quickly, she said, "Excuse me, general, but you left the barracks door open on that last inspection."
The general looks down and, slightly embarrassed, zips up his fly and goes into his office. Two minutes later, he comes back out and says to his adjutant, "Pardon me, major, but when you looked into that open barracks door did you happen to handsome recruit standing at attention."
"No, sir," the major replied. "All I saw was a tired, old career officer passed out on a pair of half empty duffle bags."

 

[Reads4fun]

kayte

You have got some of the funniest jokes on here, keep it up. I really enjoy a good laugh.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Two Crocodiles were lying at the side of the river. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by the House of Representatives."

"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their limos and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

 

[kayte]

kayte

You have got some of the funniest jokes on here, keep it up. I really enjoy a good laugh.

Hi Reads ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread. Glad you like them.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"