Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

roflmfbo

Glad you liked it!

Here is another.....

1, 2, 3

Poor old Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a blinding flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '1, 2, 3,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
"All you or your partner has to say is '1, 2, 3, 4,' and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."
Excitedly Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. Once he has readied himself, is in bed and is lying next to her, he takes a deep breath and says, "1, 2, 3" and, in an instant, he becomes harder and more aroused than anytime in his whole life - just as the medicine man had promised.
He reaches over and caresses his wife, who had been facing away from him and, as he begins to stroke her, she turns over and asks, "What did you say '1, 2, 3' for??"

 

[maggiemayipls]

I know this is dumb but it cracks me up - A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve food here!"

 

[kayte]

I know this is dumb but it cracks me up - A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve food here!"

Hi Maggie ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread. I think it is perfect!

 

[done_got_old]

I know this is dumb but it cracks me up - A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve food here!"

dumb is funny; funny is good so dumb is good

 

[done_got_old]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:
They like to be held,
Talked to,
And touched often.
But push the wrong button
And your ass is disconnected. ​

 

[kayte]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:
They like to be held,
Talked to,
And touched often.
But push the wrong button
And your ass is disconnected. ​

BINGO!​

 

[kayte]

It is
important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it

becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as

when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive

woman. My name is Eddie. Let me relate how I handled the situation

with my wife, Ellen.



Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Ellen

to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra

income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she

started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually

get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from

work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she

has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't

yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when

she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill

at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some

home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's

not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each

evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates

this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes

to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will

say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills

during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I

just smile and offer encouragement.. I tell her to stretch it out over

two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also

remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her

any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong

points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest

periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing

the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix

herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just

sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may

as well make one for me too.



I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Ellen. I'm

not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will

find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better

than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less

criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider

that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth

to help each other.

Sincerely,



Eddie.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Eddie died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police

report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha

Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip

showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Ellen was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman

jury took only 15 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her

defense that Eddie somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on

his golf club.

 

[done_got_old]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Chicago Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

 

[kayte]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Chicago Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Oh my! Such a visual!

 

[done_got_old]

This isn't funny. It's stupid, but we don't have a thread for stupid.


How far would you go to keep your job?

 

[smoothdevil]

This isn't funny. It's stupid, but we don't have a thread for stupid.


How far would you go to keep your job?

I'M sure DGO, that you found plenty of those .... lol lol

 

[maggiemayipls]

OK - how about the best pickup line ever? "Say...does this rag smell like chloroform?"

 

[done_got_old]

OK - how about the best pickup line ever? "Say...does this rag smell like chloroform?"

*groan*

 

[DDgirl]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?"
"We have forbidden fruit?"
"Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"



"No Way!"
"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


'Why ? '
"Because I am your Father and I said so!"
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.


"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it!"
Adam said.

"Did not"
"Did too"
"DID NOT"

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

 

[kayte]

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.





1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.





2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!





3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!





4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?





5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.





6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?





7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!





8. You still have a little bit on your chin.





9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.





10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

 

[kayte]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?"
"We have forbidden fruit?"
"Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"



"No Way!"
"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


'Why ? '
"Because I am your Father and I said so!"
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.


"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it!"
Adam said.

"Did not"
"Did too"
"DID NOT"

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

Thank you {{{{{DDgirl}}}}

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Two priests are at a summer camp for boys. They are taking a shower in the communal shower area when one looks over and glances down at the other, then says,

"Ummm...not to be too farward here....but....it appears that you have put your "patch" in the wrong location."

To which the other priest replies,

"Oh, I'm not so sure it's in the wrong location. After all, I AM down to two butts a day!"

 

[kayte]

Two priests are at a summer camp for boys. They are taking a shower in the communal shower area when one looks over and glances down at the other, then says,

"Ummm...not to be too farward here....but....it appears that you have put your "patch" in the wrong location."

To which the other priest replies,

"Oh, I'm not so sure it's in the wrong location. After all, I AM down to two butts a day!"

LMAO!!! Thank you Jeff!

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Three dwarf's are moping around trying to come up with ideas that could add meaning to their lives, when one mentions that another has really short legs.

The 3rd dwarf says, "You know, you really DO have short legs! That guy from Guiness Bokk of Records is in town - why don't you see if you have the shortest legs in the world? You'd be famous and immortalized if you do! Give it a try."

The 1st dwarf decides he will and takes off into town. A short time later he returns. In his hand is a formal certificate stating that he has set a new record for the shortest legs ever recorded. He is beaming because of the notoriety he has already received.

The 2nd dwarf says, "Congratulations my man! Excellent! You know, I seem to have really REALLY short arms...I wonder..." and off he goes into town.

A short while later the 2nd dwarf returns with his own certificate for the shortest arms ever recorded. He is also beaming with pride.

So the 3rd dwarf says, "Well, this isn't something anyone would normally be proud of, but I have a VERY short cock. I wonder...." and off he goes into town.

A short while later, the 3rd dwarf comes back - but empty-handed. The other two dwarfs try to console him and ask, "So, you didn't have the shortest cock in recorded history?"

To which the 3rd dwarf replies, "Nope - some guy named *** beat me." *Insert the name of the person you are telling the joke to*

 

[kayte]

Three dwarf's are moping around trying to come up with ideas that could add meaning to their lives, when one mentions that another has really short legs.

The 3rd dwarf says, "You know, you really DO have short legs! That guy from Guiness Bokk of Records is in town - why don't you see if you have the shortest legs in the world? You'd be famous and immortalized if you do! Give it a try."

The 1st dwarf decides he will and takes off into town. A short time later he returns. In his hand is a formal certificate stating that he has set a new record for the shortest legs ever recorded. He is beaming because of the notoriety he has already received.

The 2nd dwarf says, "Congratulations my man! Excellent! You know, I seem to have really REALLY short arms...I wonder..." and off he goes into town.

A short while later the 2nd dwarf returns with his own certificate for the shortest arms ever recorded. He is also beaming with pride.

So the 3rd dwarf says, "Well, this isn't something anyone would normally be proud of, but I have a VERY short cock. I wonder...." and off he goes into town.

A short while later, the 3rd dwarf comes back - but empty-handed. The other two dwarfs try to console him and ask, "So, you didn't have the shortest cock in recorded history?"

To which the 3rd dwarf replies, "Nope - some guy named *** beat me." *Insert the name of the person you are telling the joke to*

Thanks Jeff! Hope you are having a marvelous Monday.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Thanks Jeff! Hope you are having a marvelous Monday.

My Monday has been VERY good. With your responses, I've now had TWO sexy women write me posts!

 

[smoothdevil]

to all my friends and relatives:

To those who have sent me best "wishes, chain letters, angel letters, or other promises of good luck letters",

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED

from now on send only cash, vodka, chocolate, Italian food, hookers, wine, open airline tickets or I will donate your email addy to Russian spammers .....

thanks in advance for your cooperation

....

 

[kayte]

to all my friends and relatives:

To those who have sent me best "wishes, chain letters, angel letters, or other promises of good luck letters",

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED

from now on send only cash, vodka, chocolate, Italian food, hookers, wine, open airline tickets or I will donate your email addy to Russian spammers .....

thanks in advance for your cooperation

....

Hi {{{{Smooth}}}}} That is grand!

 

[done_got_old]

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of 'WHY' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)


2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ''
His response -- click.


3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.



7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..



8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''



9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''


10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''




11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''



12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. ​

 

[kayte]

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of 'WHY' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)


2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ''
His response -- click.


3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.



7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..



8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''



9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''


10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''




11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''



12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. ​

So scary! ​