Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of 'WHY' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)


---------------------------------

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. ​

funny but sad ..... I think politicians are a new genus species ... to be extinct at the first opportunity

 

[done_got_old]

funny but sad ..... I think politicians are a new genus species ... to be extinct at the first opportunity

In reality they are a cross section of our dumb society.



This is from the FB wall of one of my former students who's now a teacher.

Teaching Social Studies today & asked my students who invented the cotton gin? One answered with a very toothy smile..."Eli Manning"....Lord, give me strength!!!

I taught her in the 6th before everyone was teaching a standardized test. The first week of school they took a test on the continents and states. They had to know them all by the end of September. They learned geography! They weren't lost when they looked at a map. When we read a story we first looked at the date of birth and death (?) of the author and talked about what was going on in the world. We found his birthplace on the map. It was just an easy way to broaden their knowledge base.

 

[done_got_old]

an oldie

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

 

[kayte]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

Thank you {{{{DGO}}}} That is perfect!

 

[kayte]

Christmas Party

Dick had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.



He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00....'

'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Rick.. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'


'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

 

[done_got_old]

Christmas Party

Dick had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.



He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00....'

'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Rick.. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'


'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

ROFLMFBO

 

[done_got_old]

I was waiting at the atm today and a blind guy was in front of me. He asked me if I could check his balance............so I pushed him over.

 

[brummiesteve]

If brains were domino's, you'd be a double blank.

 

[Isid]

There was this guy who asked me questions... I answered them.... he took my answers as truth and posted my pic on the net..... but was that really me?

 

[done_got_old]

If brains were domino's, you'd be a double blank.

I like that!

 

[smoothdevil]

If brains were domino's, you'd be a double blank.

great one .... lol .... need to remember that one

 

[kayte]

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman..
Even though I'm female is do find this funny.

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friends gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3 . A gun doesn't ask ,"Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

 

[done_got_old]

Top 10 REASONS A WOMAN IS FAVORED OVER A GUN



1. It can't wash your clothes
2. It can't cook your meals
3. It can't listen to you whine
4. It can't bear your children
5. It can't give you a back rub
6. It can't pamper you when you are sick
7. It can't clean your house
8. It can't bring you your drinks
9. It can't give you those warm hugs



And the #1 reason a woman is favored over a gun!
10. It can't make love to you !!

 

[kayte]

Top 10 REASONS A WOMAN IS FAVORED OVER A GUN



1. It can't wash your clothes
2. It can't cook your meals
3. It can't listen to you whine
4. It can't bear your children
5. It can't give you a back rub
6. It can't pamper you when you are sick
7. It can't clean your house
8. It can't bring you your drinks
9. It can't give you those warm hugs



And the #1 reason a woman is favored over a gun!
10. It can't make love to you !!

And I think these are even better.

 

[bisolom]

Top 10 REASONS A WOMAN IS FAVORED OVER A GUN



1. It can't wash your clothes
2. It can't cook your meals
3. It can't listen to you whine
4. It can't bear your children
5. It can't give you a back rub
6. It can't pamper you when you are sick
7. It can't clean your house
8. It can't bring you your drinks
9. It can't give you those warm hugs



And the #1 reason a woman is favored over a gun!
10. It can't make love to you !!

You actually know a woman who does all those things?

 

[done_got_old]

You actually know a woman who does all those things?

I've been guilty of almost all of them.

 

[smoothdevil]

TWO NUNS





There were two nuns.... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty...


I'll pray for you!

 

[smoothdevil]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

....

 

[done_got_old]

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a man...

#10. A gun always compliments your outfit.
#9. A gun doesn’t compare your ammo to his mother’s ammo.
#8. The gases from a gun smell better.
#7. A gun doesn’t mind if you spend hours shopping for another gun.
#6. A gun is always ready to help when you need a job done.
#5. A gun doesn't ask, ‘You spent HOW MUCH on a holster?!?"
#4. A gun doesn't stink up the bathroom.
#3. A gun doesn’t get discouraged after a FTE.
#2. A gun won’t lie about how long its barrel is.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a man.... #1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

 

[kayte]

TWO NUNS





There were two nuns.... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty...


I'll pray for you!

Thank you {{{{Smooth}}}}} That is marvelous!

 

[kayte]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

....

ROTFLMAO

 

[kayte]

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a man...

#10. A gun always compliments your outfit.
#9. A gun doesn’t compare your ammo to his mother’s ammo.
#8. The gases from a gun smell better.
#7. A gun doesn’t mind if you spend hours shopping for another gun.
#6. A gun is always ready to help when you need a job done.
#5. A gun doesn't ask, ‘You spent HOW MUCH on a holster?!?"
#4. A gun doesn't stink up the bathroom.
#3. A gun doesn’t get discouraged after a FTE.
#2. A gun won’t lie about how long its barrel is.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a man.... #1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Good morning {{{{DGO}}}}} Those are great. There is definitely something about #8 and #4 that are oh so true....

 

[kayte]

Had to share this.

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus', and calling it the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

 

[bisolom]

I Love This Thread!

 

[done_got_old]

FOOTBALL FINALLY MAKES SENSE

Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!