Laughter is Contagious

[sexy_hottie_2003]

Pregnancy Jokes

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

 

[kayte]

Note: A dunny is an aussie outhouse.

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash -
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

 

[brummiesteve]

Topical British Joke.

Wayne Bridge sends his ex-girlfriend some Ferrero Rocher.
She sent them back to him.
Apparently, she prefers Terry's.

 

[brummiesteve]

Fabio Capello rings Wayne Bridge to inform him that John Terry has lost the Captain's armband.
He says; "Do me a favour, have a good look under your bed to see if you can find it.........."

 

[kayte]

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Thank you {{{{hottie}}} Those are great.

 

[done_got_old]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in theirsoon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going towalk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curioussenior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...only two left."

 

[brummiesteve]

Ashley Cole just got fined for doing 130mph.
When asked by the police why he was speeding, he replied "I've just heard John Terry's car is parked outside my house".

 

[kayte]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in theirsoon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going towalk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curioussenior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...only two left."

Good afternoon DGO ~ Thank you! That sums it up!

 

[kayte]

Topical British Joke.

Wayne Bridge sends his ex-girlfriend some Ferrero Rocher.
She sent them back to him.
Apparently, she prefers Terry's.

Fabio Capello rings Wayne Bridge to inform him that John Terry has lost the Captain's armband.
He says; "Do me a favour, have a good look under your bed to see if you can find it.........."

Ashley Cole just got fined for doing 130mph.
When asked by the police why he was speeding, he replied "I've just heard John Terry's car is parked outside my house".

Hi Steve ~ Thank you for the jokes. Being on the other side of the big pond I will admit I don't understand them. And I do like British humor.

 

[brummiesteve]

Hi Steve ~ Thank you for the jokes. Being on the other side of the big pond I will admit I don't understand them. And I do like British humor.

John Terry is the captain of the England Football team.
He has been caught sleeping with the (ex?) girlfriend of his team mate, Wayne Bridge.

I did say they were English related.

I will post some more general ones soon.

 

[kayte]

John Terry is the captain of the England Football team.
He has been caught sleeping with the (ex?) girlfriend of his team mate, Wayne Bridge.

I did say they were English related.

I will post some more general ones soon.

Thank you Steve.

Yes you did say they were English related and so I thought I'd ask. Thank you again.

Hope your day has gone well, and I hope you have a great evening.

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

Funny Pick Up Lines

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

 

[kayte]

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

That they are {{{{hottie}}}}}

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

http://i435.photobucket.com/albums/qq73/Jaded1pics/funnybuttons.jpg​

 

[done_got_old]

http://i435.photobucket.com/albums/qq73/Jaded1pics/funnybuttons.jpg​

 

[kayte]

http://i435.photobucket.com/albums/qq73/Jaded1pics/funnybuttons.jpg​

Happy Hump Day {{{{{Tawny}}}}}

Those are marvelous!

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

Short Funny Sayings

UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

Marriage is Grand... Divorce is 20 Grand...

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Be creative, invent a perversion.

MONEY TALKS... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

If life begins at 40, what are you supposed to do until then?

If plugging it in doesn't help, turn it on.

I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

When in doubt, mumble. When asked to clarify, say "Trust me".

I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!

No, no, nurse! I said SLIP off his SPECTACLES!!

43% of all statistics are useless.

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're upside down.

Optimist: A YUGO owner.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

WYTYSYDG - What You Thought You Saw You Didn't Get

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

I've got a... uh... uh... Oh yeah - a photographic memory!

Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!

Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I call things as I see them; If I didn't see them, I make them up!

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Daddy? What's this little red button for? Pzzzz...

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

It's only a hobby... only a hobby... only a hobby...

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

They put smoke in every electronic component, thats why if the smoke gets out the component is stuffed.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

There is not as much gravity on the moon because it is further away from Earth.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

What do you mean? You actually read this tagline?!

What time is it when you see a Geo following a Geo? Tin after tin.

Reality-ometer: [\........] Hmmph! Thought so...

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

"We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

NY cops go bar-hopping, LA cops go night-clubbing.

Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

We're off to see the Gizzard. The wonderful Gizzard of ID.

Bad Advertising: Rush Limbaugh Home Fitness Center.

"... The prostitution rests." -- Kelly Bundy.

Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.

I miss my wife - but my aim is getting better.

Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken....

How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police?

Origin of life? Just check my refrigerator...

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I gess hukd on fonix wurkd for yoo too.

I'm sorry, officer-I didn't know these freeways had no-smoking lanes.

Thunderclap - an extremely violent form of VD.

Ohio: Where men are men and the sheep are..... SCARED!

Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is permanent.

I'm not a complete idiot... Several parts are missing!

I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Thinking is a bad habit, be a turnip!

"Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all you monks think about?"

Why can't women leave the lid up?

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?

In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

Liberal tagline: friends don't let friends make up their own mind.

Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.

Preserve wildlife... pickle a squirrel.

I want to live with a synonym girl.

Wheaties and beer: the breakfast of ex-champions.

Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington, D.C.

If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt.

May your Gakh never wonder off your plate.

McBorg's -- over half a billion assimilated.

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... ooooohh, doughnuts!

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!

Dawn crept across the lawn, searching for her car keys.

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

Support mental health, or I'll kill you!

Help stamp out intolerance!

I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it.

Save the chocolate moose!

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

I brake for brick walls.

Fight organized crime, stamp out the IRS!

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!

Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here.

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.

Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?

We will, we will, pun you!

My life is not organized around high probability events.

If you do not have a touch-tone phone press 1 now.

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.

I'm positively enameled with this subject.

Minding your own business will not be tolerated.

Rabbits reproduce like taglines.

Zen Druidry: transcendental vegetation.

Hi, my name is John, and I'm a closet lurker.

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!

Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser.

The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

I think, therefore I am... dangerous.

If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.

People have one thing in common, they're all different.

Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up.

Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam.

I'm having an out-of-money experience.

Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.

I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light.

Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER

 

[kayte]

UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

Marriage is Grand... Divorce is 20 Grand...

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Be creative, invent a perversion.

MONEY TALKS... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

If life begins at 40, what are you supposed to do until then?

If plugging it in doesn't help, turn it on.

I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

When in doubt, mumble. When asked to clarify, say "Trust me".

I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!

No, no, nurse! I said SLIP off his SPECTACLES!!

43% of all statistics are useless.

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're upside down.

Optimist: A YUGO owner.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

WYTYSYDG - What You Thought You Saw You Didn't Get

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

I've got a... uh... uh... Oh yeah - a photographic memory!

Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!

Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I call things as I see them; If I didn't see them, I make them up!

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Daddy? What's this little red button for? Pzzzz...

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

It's only a hobby... only a hobby... only a hobby...

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

They put smoke in every electronic component, thats why if the smoke gets out the component is stuffed.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

There is not as much gravity on the moon because it is further away from Earth.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

What do you mean? You actually read this tagline?!

What time is it when you see a Geo following a Geo? Tin after tin.

Reality-ometer: [\........] Hmmph! Thought so...

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

"We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

NY cops go bar-hopping, LA cops go night-clubbing.

Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

We're off to see the Gizzard. The wonderful Gizzard of ID.

Bad Advertising: Rush Limbaugh Home Fitness Center.

"... The prostitution rests." -- Kelly Bundy.

Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.

I miss my wife - but my aim is getting better.

Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken....

How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police?

Origin of life? Just check my refrigerator...

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I gess hukd on fonix wurkd for yoo too.

I'm sorry, officer-I didn't know these freeways had no-smoking lanes.

Thunderclap - an extremely violent form of VD.

Ohio: Where men are men and the sheep are..... SCARED!

Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is permanent.

I'm not a complete idiot... Several parts are missing!

I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Thinking is a bad habit, be a turnip!

"Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all you monks think about?"

Why can't women leave the lid up?

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?

In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

Liberal tagline: friends don't let friends make up their own mind.

Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.

Preserve wildlife... pickle a squirrel.

I want to live with a synonym girl.

Wheaties and beer: the breakfast of ex-champions.

Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington, D.C.

If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt.

May your Gakh never wonder off your plate.

McBorg's -- over half a billion assimilated.

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... ooooohh, doughnuts!

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!

Dawn crept across the lawn, searching for her car keys.

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

Support mental health, or I'll kill you!

Help stamp out intolerance!

I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it.

Save the chocolate moose!

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

I brake for brick walls.

Fight organized crime, stamp out the IRS!

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!

Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here.

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.

Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?

We will, we will, pun you!

My life is not organized around high probability events.

If you do not have a touch-tone phone press 1 now.

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.

I'm positively enameled with this subject.

Minding your own business will not be tolerated.

Rabbits reproduce like taglines.

Zen Druidry: transcendental vegetation.

Hi, my name is John, and I'm a closet lurker.

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!

Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser.

The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

I think, therefore I am... dangerous.

If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.

People have one thing in common, they're all different.

Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up.

Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam.

I'm having an out-of-money experience.

Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.

I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light.

Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER

Thank you {{{Hottie}}}}

I do like this one best. Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

 

[kayte]

1. My Address Is...

Torrential rainstorms flattened power lines all over.
The electric company dispatched repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to check her address, she told him, "My address is P. O. Box 397."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'm coming in a truck, not an envelope!"

2. The Scales of Justice

A man stood on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking this maneuver was his attempt to weigh less, his wife quipped, "I don't think that's gonna help, dear."
"Sure it does," he replied. "Otherwise I can't see the damned numbers!"

3. Knees

A woman complained to her doctor about bad knee pain.
After his tests showed nothing, the doctor asked, "Is there something you're doing that you haven't told me? Is there anything that might abuse your knees?"
"Well," she said sheepishly, "my husband and I do have sex doggy-style on the floor most nights."
"That must be it," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other ways to have sex."
She replied, "Not if you're gonna watch TV, there ain't!"

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

35 Fun Things to do When Driving

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray for roadkill.

29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)

30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

34. Sing without having the radio on.

35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...

 

[kayte]

Bear Hunting

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices - either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[Roofman]

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriot's flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here."

Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Blue & White sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Colts logo flag, and in every window, a Colts horseshoe towel,

Tom looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super bowls."

God said, "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Peyton get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said: "Tom, that's not Peyton's house, it's mine."

Go Colts !!!!

 

[funluvinaj]

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriot's flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here."

Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Blue & White sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Colts logo flag, and in every window, a Colts horseshoe towel,

Tom looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super bowls."

God said, "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Peyton get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said: "Tom, that's not Peyton's house, it's mine."

Go Colts !!!!

WOOHOO!! I love that!

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

Are You Ready for Kids?

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the cat's litter box, then on the walls. Cover the stains with a coating of crayon. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not shout expletives as this could wake a sleeping child.

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you to the grocery store. Keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one unhappy, live octopus. Wake it up early and try to stuff it into a small net bag. Don't forget the mittens.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic jug. Fill halfway with milk. Suspend the jug from the ceiling and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of applesauce into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Once you've succeeded, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Fill a small cloth bag with 10 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag. At 9 p.m., lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, waltz and sing every song you have ever heard until 1 a.m. Repeat between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for three years. Remain cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST:
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your midsection. Leave it there for nine months, then remove 10% of the beans.

FISCAL TEST:
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Leave it there. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited into their account.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve on both their disciplinary practices and their exercise of patience. Feel confident that you have all the answers. Take note of their expressions. Now run -- fast.

 

[settledseas]

wonderful lol lol just!!

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in theirsoon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going towalk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curioussenior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...only two left."