Laughter is Contagious

[settledseas]

very very cute there Kayte!! lol lol wow

Bear Hunting

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices - either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[kayte]

1. The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

2. First Trip To Vegas

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, yah sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade yah to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't
we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what yah just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Alabamuh we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble yah for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

What Not to Say in the Workplace

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

 

[Sheena_Sinzli]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

 

[kayte]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Hi Sheena ~ Welcome to the thread and that is a great one, thank you. Hope we see you again.

 

[kayte]

1. At The Museum

Two sweet little old ladies, Annie and Sarah, were walking through a museum when they got separated.
When they found each other, Annie said, "My, oh my, Sarah! Did you see the statue of that naked man back there?"
"Yes, I did," replied Sarah. "I was shocked. How can they display such a thing? The genitalia were huge!"
"Yes. And cold, too!" Annie replied.

2. The Organist

The new church organist was so well-endowed that her bouncing bosom distracted the congregation and appalled the proper church ladies.
One lady volunteered to approach her. Recalling that green persimmons are quite sour, she discreetly wondered if, rubbed on certain parts of one's anatomy, they might cause them to shrink.
The organist caught her drift and decided to try.
The following Sunday, the organist still jiggled provocatively, but the minister announced: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol thwere will be no thermon tewday!"

 

[done_got_old]

1. At The Museum

Two sweet little old ladies, Annie and Sarah, were walking through a museum when they got separated.
When they found each other, Annie said, "My, oh my, Sarah! Did you see the statue of that naked man back there?"
"Yes, I did," replied Sarah. "I was shocked. How can they display such a thing? The genitalia were huge!"
"Yes. And cold, too!" Annie replied.

2. The Organist

The new church organist was so well-endowed that her bouncing bosom distracted the congregation and appalled the proper church ladies.
One lady volunteered to approach her. Recalling that green persimmons are quite sour, she discreetly wondered if, rubbed on certain parts of one's anatomy, they might cause them to shrink.
The organist caught her drift and decided to try.
The following Sunday, the organist still jiggled provocatively, but the minister announced: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol thwere will be no thermon tewday!"

ROFLMBO

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

This Is Your Last Warning

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

 

[kayte]

Dr. Phil

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Phil to see about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Phil told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say, 'Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies'."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late for work, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the aisle and started chanting "Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Phil's by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I am. How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory, dickory, dock ... "

 

[kayte]

Bumper Stickers

1. Driver Carries No Cash -
HE'S MARRIED!

2. 4 Out Of 3 People
Have Trouble With Fractions.

3. DRUGS LEAD NOWHERE
But It's The Scenic Route.

4. IMPOTENCE - Nature's way of saying,
"No hard feelings."

 

[kayte]

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

Hi there {{{{{{hottie}}}}}} That says it all.

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

Finding The Perfect Lover

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.
After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"
"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.
"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.
"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"
He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[kayte]

Recognition of George W Bush by the Obama Administration

Just heard that the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd
President of the United States by naming the gap between the
tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him.

The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault"

 

[kayte]

1. At The Car Dealership

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

2. Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

 

[Sheena_Sinzli]

1. At The Car Dealership

2. Why Men Have Better Friends

Lol Oy 2 had me giggling

 

[Sheena_Sinzli]

For the working class

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

 

[kayte]

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

Good afternoon Sheena ~ Welcome. Thank you for your contribution. That is grand!

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

Freezing To Death

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

 

[done_got_old]

TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[kayte]

A (Joke) Threesome

1. Man Talk

Three Catholic men were talking.
The first said, "My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second man piped in, "My son is a bishop; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Your Grace'."
The third man smiled. "My daughter is 6-feet tall with 38D breasts, a 24-inch waist, and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God!' "

2. More Bumper Stickers

1. The Proctologist called ... They found your head!

2. Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date.

3. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


3. Little Johnny Joke No. 1,497

One day, little Johnny got home from pre-school early and headed upstairs. As he walked by his parents' bedroom, he was surprised to see his parents naked on their bed, making love. Not wanting to traumatize the child, they continued what they were doing. Soon Johnny asked, "Daddy, can I climb on your back for a horsey ride?"
Dad thought a moment and replied, "I suppose so, son. After all, we are a family."
After he rode a while, his mother started writhing wildly.
"Hang on, Dad!" cried Johnny. "This is always where the mailman and I get bucked off!"

 

[done_got_old]

A (Joke) Threesome

1. Man Talk

Three Catholic men were talking.
The first said, "My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second man piped in, "My son is a bishop; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Your Grace'."
The third man smiled. "My daughter is 6-feet tall with 38D breasts, a 24-inch waist, and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God!' "

2. More Bumper Stickers

1. The Proctologist called ... They found your head!

2. Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date.

3. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


3. Little Johnny Joke No. 1,497

One day, little Johnny got home from pre-school early and headed upstairs. As he walked by his parents' bedroom, he was surprised to see his parents naked on their bed, making love. Not wanting to traumatize the child, they continued what they were doing. Soon Johnny asked, "Daddy, can I climb on your back for a horsey ride?"
Dad thought a moment and replied, "I suppose so, son. After all, we are a family."
After he rode a while, his mother started writhing wildly.
"Hang on, Dad!" cried Johnny. "This is always where the mailman and I get bucked off!"

funny

 

[sexy_hottie_2003]

Memo: About a raise in pay.

Memo reads as:

Importance: High

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don’t get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work has exposed me to contagious diseases.
And my co-worker is an asshole.


Dear Penis,


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work eight (8) hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order
to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe the necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
You’ll retire well before reaching 65.
You’re unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position, before you have completed the
days work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering the
workplace carrying two (2) suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

P.S. And as for your co-worker deal with it. He will still be working long
after you retire.

 

[kayte]

Memo: About a raise in pay.

Memo reads as:

Importance: High

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don’t get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work has exposed me to contagious diseases.
And my co-worker is an asshole.


Dear Penis,


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work eight (8) hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order
to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe the necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
You’ll retire well before reaching 65.
You’re unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position, before you have completed the
days work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering the
workplace carrying two (2) suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

P.S. And as for your co-worker deal with it. He will still be working long
after you retire.

Happy Valentine's Day {{{{{{Hottie}}}}}

Such a good one.

 

[kayte]

We are in big trouble!

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.



Leaving 20 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden..



Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.



And there you are,


Sitting on your ass,


At your computer, reading jokes..


Nice. Real nice.

 

[done_got_old]

We are in big trouble!

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.



Leaving 20 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden..



Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.



And there you are,


Sitting on your ass,


At your computer, reading jokes..


Nice. Real nice.

very cute