Let's Talk About... Outing The Players

[julybaby04]

Guess I am old-fashioned. I absolutely believe in monogamy and that goes along with honesty and trust.

Everyone is here for their own reasons.

 

[Azuldrgon]

First of all, thank you to Ms Honey for starting this thread.

Being a player goes both ways. Being a man/woman-whore goes both ways. This is a porn site and I doubt anyone came on here initially to trade recipes or talk about anime. Where it gets convoluted is when a relationship develops and both sides are not honest about what they want or what they expect.

In the past, I have been guilty of acting like this. I start a relationship with someone that is awesome only to have it develop into deeper and then something happens that pushes things a bit too far or pushes us apart. I don't think that makes me a "player" as much as giving a basketball player a baseball bat makes him Bo Jackson. (Google if you don't give the reference.)

One of the things I have done in the past was be up front about intentions. I let the person know that I am not leaving my real life spouse for them. I let them know also other things and we establish ground rules. There was an incident back in 2013 or so when an online partner became very possessive and I had to break it off because they demanded more than I was willing to give simply because they felt they were more important than my family. I broke it off and I was done with Lit for around three years over that.

There are people on here that want to get off. There are people here who are honest about it and those who are not. There are people on here who have hurt people. The fact that I came back on here Tuesday after being told about stuff going on to see friends hurt pissed me off in so many ways. It pushed me to the point that I almost said "Fuck it" and left.

I think what most folks on here have said is true. There are boundaries to be respected and followed. Don't say you love someone as a way to get what you want. Don't stomp on someone's heart. Don't be a dick. This has been a draining week for me just because friends have been hurt and I try to be the supportive one as much as I can.

I'll be honest. I have made many mistakes on here and hurt people. Not in a malicious way, but by actions not meant to be so. Every day I see the results when I think about the walls I have put up and the walls others put up because they have been burned. Hugs are about all i am willing to give nowadays and thanks to a few of the many people I respect on here, I'm even more careful about giving those out.

Once you get burned, the innocence fades and the cynicism begins. You want to be open. You want to be there for folks. You want to be able to be 100% real. Yet, we get hurt and we protect our wounds. Gone are the days when a dragon could go on the General Board and find people he likes and just say hi. Now it's more like protecting myself more than anything and it's not the way to be.

What makes things worse are the people who leave when they get hurt. How many Listers have disappeared because of the garbage on here? It's not as fun anymore. When a friend asks me where else I hang out because they can't stand it here anymore, it makes you think.

I may have gone off topic a bit. Outing the players could work. But it's so easy to come back as someone else and do things again. Besides which, not all new identities are for malicious reasons. Some change their name because of real life conflicts or because they want a fresh start away from being identified with someone who hurt them. So it's not about going after alts. It's not about outing the players. It's more about being careful. And in a place that's supposed to be about playing around, being serious sucks.

I apologize Ms Honey. I didn't mean for the long post. But I do hope the ones who have been hurt can heal and the ones who hurt people realize we're watching.

 

[TransportTiger]

Jesus, I clearly missed a lot.

 

[Deacon_Voss]

First of all, thank you to Ms Honey for starting this thread.

Being a player goes both ways. Being a man/woman-whore goes both ways. This is a porn site and I doubt anyone came on here initially to trade recipes or talk about anime. Where it gets convoluted is when a relationship develops and both sides are not honest about what they want or what they expect. . . .

I agree with this very thought out and clear response. (I mean the entire post, I just shortened it to save space) Many things were said that needed to be said.

Thanks Azul

 

[Jada59]

Okay... My reasons for being here may not be the same as others. I mainly came here to post stories and poems, but I also like many of the threads on the Bulletin Board. I did not come here looking for a boyfriend or even someone to have sex with, cyber or otherwise. I do try to be up front with that from the start.

But one problem I've had is that I've gotten PMs from people who have taken out personal ads and insist that they are the guy for me! Mind you, most of these people don't live in my state, much less my country. And in some cases, they were married and not necessarily up front with that. In some cases, even if they were married and even if they disclosed that fact to me, they also insisted on some kind of exclusivity. As in they didn't want me talking to other guys on here.

Now maybe they felt hurt when I turned them down but... They contacted me. It wasn't the other way around. I normally do try to be polite. In one case, the guy was not at all polite although I'm sure he thought he was. I won't mention his name but several of us have called him out on the way he talks to/about females, even in his personal ads.

I have also had a few that made demands of me. When I told them I was not interested, they persisted. I never blame a person for trying. But... If I've said "no" then I think the person should back off. No amount of begging or enticing is going to get me to change my mind.

I know there are married people here. I have no problems with that. But what I do think is odd are the ones who claim they are happily married and yet they are looking for something on the side. Those things don't equate to me. Yeah, I know some people have open marriages. That's just not my thing.

I also know there are married people here who for whatever reason feel trapped in the marriage and are unhappy. I was one of those myself, but I'm single now. I think sometimes they just want someone they can connect to or whatever. I have no issues with people like that. If we seem to get along well, then we can chat and what we chat about will stay between us. But if they think somehow I will be their GF or whatever like that, they would be wrong.

I suppose I could say that I have been ghosted by some on here, even though I dislike that term. But I also think I know the reason why. They were looking for something and I wasn't it! That's no big deal to me. I hope they find what they were looking for.

All that being said... I cannot confirm or deny (yeah I know, wrong thread) that I did connect with someone on here. I cannot confirm or deny that this person may or may not reside in my area. And that's about all I want to say publicly about that.

So for me, it's all good. I didn't come here to meet someone and yet, I may or may not have. How's that for being vague!?

There is one person here who has a sig line that is something to the effect of, "Friendly, Flirty, Fun". That sums it up well for me too. That's how I am. Both here and in real life. I like to make people smile, laugh and feel good. But I'm not a shallow person, and I am honest. I love people. I love conversations. I love being silly. I love helping people.

 

[jmarx20102012]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kf__nsdsu5c

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kf__nsdsu5c

Dude. Thanks for contributing.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thank you to everyone for participating, and for keeping this thread a place in which we can all express our opinions and not allow the conversation to get derailed by our disagreements.



For the record, I'd like to reiterate that I'm not here to out anyone, or encourage anyone else to do so. But I think it's important to talk about this behavior and the consequences of both choosing to come forward or choosing to remain silent.

I'd also like to emphasize that the issue here isn't monogamy, but deceit. There are plenty of Litsters with multiple partners who behave with honesty and respect and for the most part are able to avoid major conflict. They're not the problem.

The concern here are those people who are knowingly allowing and even encouraging their partner/s to believe that the relationship is more serious than it actually is. That their feelings are stronger than they truly are. That there is the possibility of something more than what the player honestly intends.

I've been here for over four years and the only definitive answer I have is that it sucks. But maybe this public acknowledgement can provide some comfort for those who are suffering, and maybe some of the players will see themselves in these descriptions and choose to make a change.

For everyone's sake, I hope so.

 

[SMNaughtywife]

Jesus, I clearly missed a lot.

#luckiestmanever
#rockstar
#thankyoubabyjesus

I can go on if you’d like.

 

[SassySheDevil]

Thank you to everyone for participating, and for keeping this thread a place in which we can all express our opinions and not allow the conversation to get derailed by our disagreements.



For the record, I'd like to reiterate that I'm not here to out anyone, or encourage anyone else to do so. But I think it's important to talk about this behavior and the consequences of both choosing to come forward or choosing to remain silent.

I'd also like to emphasize that the issue here isn't monogamy, but deceit. There are plenty of Litsters with multiple partners who behave with honesty and respect and for the most part are able to avoid major conflict. They're not the problem.

The concern here are those people who are knowingly allowing and even encouraging their partner/s to believe that the relationship is more serious than it actually is. That their feelings are stronger than they truly are. That there is the possibility of something more than what the player honestly intends.

I've been here for over four years and the only definitive answer I have is that it sucks. But maybe this public acknowledgement can provide some comfort for those who are suffering, and maybe some of the players will see themselves in these descriptions and choose to make a change.

For everyone's sake, I hope so.

^^^^ This. I don't like being told I'm special or different when I'm not. I don't like being told I'm the only one when I'm not. It especially hurts when you hear from the other women, that they eye told the same exact thing.. just be honest.

 

[lacandy]

I've effectively departed Lit's shores but was asked to come back and read this thread because of my part in outing the latest "player." (For the record I don't think of him as a player, I think that word is far too benign for his behaviours.)

I have taken both criticism and praise since outing him - which is really neither here nor there when you're feeling like a fool, a little broken and grieving a person who actually never really existed at all. The thing is... I didn't do it for either, I did it so maybe someone, somewhere might think twice before becoming involved with him. If that post helped only one person evade his brand of evil, then that's enough for me.

lacandy has it right, listen to your gut, I tried to - repeatedly. If you don't, try to forgive yourself when that noise is drowned out by a lesser human who has crafted their game over years and years.

Suz_anne is also right, Lit is not for everyone. I believe, perhaps, that it is not for me. It is a shame though, that it IS a place where the monsters lurk in the shadows and sometimes right in plain sight.

I think that one great point Rainshine makes is that the word "player" isn't the right thing here. I think that "player" is too gentle.

When I think of a Lit "Player" I think of my sweet dear Brit friend of mine ...and I don't think of it in a negative way. He is open and honest and doesn't try to deceive women to get what he wants. When a woman gets involved with him they know that he's flirting and talking to others. That's what you sign on for. If you have insecurities (like me) - that's not a Litationship for you. I respect that about him.

I think what people in this thread want to "out" are the ones who build a lie? The ones who are telling you that you are the only one, but chasing every newbie that pops on...the ones who build some sad story life that plays on your sympathies to reel you in (while most likely giving the same stories to three or four others)...the ones who out and out lie to gain your trust (the one thing that you are always wary of giving) and then shatter that in one swift move...the ones who say that they are a man/woman to gain information to use against you...

And I'm not being gender specific because I know that there are as many deceitful women as men. But those are the people that may need to be called out?

Going back to the first page - I think that the word "player" needs to be altered. To DOUCHEBAG

Outing someone who broke your heart won't be useful because there are two sides. Am I a player? I don't think I am...I flirt, yes...but I try not to hurt anyone. Does it happen? Absolutely! So calling someone out just because they hurt you isn't fair. I think almost all of us could name some of the boards most beloved...but it wasn't intentional, just a by product of this crazy space that we all use for what we are missing in our lives....

The sad thing is that because of the douchebags, we lose amazing Litsters like Rainshine...

 

[Azuldrgon]

We've lost a bunch of cool people like Rainshine due to this predatory behavior.

But I agree with what has been said. It would be so simple if people remember that behind the screen name, there is a man or woman who is responding on a keyboard or phone. These people have feelings and insecurities and all that stuff. When you treat the screen name as a person and not as a fictional character, who knows what will happen.

 

[DarkSimian]

I have read all the posts, and I'm going to add to the change jar...

I agree with what most have said; see Azul's first post for clarity. We all should be adults here, and we all have other lives out in the RW. Sometimes we keep secrets; from our spouses/ partners, our families, our friends. Even from our Lit families/ friends. That, I think, is part of the allure or online relationships.

However, I think the issue really boils down to intent. Some people come here for the expressed purpose of lying, deceiving, manipulating, "playing". They will tell you what you want to hear, all to get in your cyber pants. They will betray your trust, air your dirty laundry, all for the attention that they will receive. I have seen a few "uncivil wars" almost break out because of that type of he said/ she said bullshit.

So I'm on the fence about "outing" people, because it can become a witch hunt. On the other hand, I think we all should be adult enough to watch each other's backs, to warn each other of this predatory behavior. Because some people will just keep doing it, leaving a trail of bodies and broken relationships behind them.

And for me, that's unacceptable. We are a community. and we should look out for each other.

 

[FortybutNice]

I have read all the posts, and I'm going to add to the change jar...

I agree with what most have said; see Azul's first post for clarity. We all should be adults here, and we all have other lives out in the RW. Sometimes we keep secrets; from our spouses/ partners, our families, our friends. Even from our Lit families/ friends. That, I think, is part of the allure or online relationships.

However, I think the issue really boils down to intent. Some people come here for the expressed purpose of lying, deceiving, manipulating, "playing". They will tell you what you want to hear, all to get in your cyber pants. They will betray your trust, air your dirty laundry, all for the attention that they will receive. I have seen a few "uncivil wars" almost break out because of that type of he said/ she said bullshit.

So I'm on the fence about "outing" people, because it can become a witch hunt. On the other hand, I think we all should be adult enough to watch each other's backs, to warn each other of this predatory behavior. Because some people will just keep doing it, leaving a trail of bodies and broken relationships behind them.

And for me, that's unacceptable. We are a community. and we should look out for each other.

Well said. Simian for Lit president/prime minister/poor bugger who has to come up with sensible ideas

 

[Azuldrgon]

I have read all the posts, and I'm going to add to the change jar...

I agree with what most have said; see Azul's first post for clarity. We all should be adults here, and we all have other lives out in the RW. Sometimes we keep secrets; from our spouses/ partners, our families, our friends. Even from our Lit families/ friends. That, I think, is part of the allure or online relationships.

However, I think the issue really boils down to intent. Some people come here for the expressed purpose of lying, deceiving, manipulating, "playing". They will tell you what you want to hear, all to get in your cyber pants. They will betray your trust, air your dirty laundry, all for the attention that they will receive. I have seen a few "uncivil wars" almost break out because of that type of he said/ she said bullshit.

So I'm on the fence about "outing" people, because it can become a witch hunt. On the other hand, I think we all should be adult enough to watch each other's backs, to warn each other of this predatory behavior. Because some people will just keep doing it, leaving a trail of bodies and broken relationships behind them.

And for me, that's unacceptable. We are a community. and we should look out for each other.

Well said Beastie.

 

[ydahecnot]

If we are a community, I dibs (hi, Tolyk!) community chest

 

[Dribble]

Life sometimes gets in the way of good intentions.

 

[PaulieJay]

Welcome back. Hope everything is cool with you.


They are upset with dudes that lie to them, sneaking around telling them they are the only one and behind the scenes having other women. You won't have that problem, because you're straight up. A lot of them have been ghosted and played, they have been grouping up together, talking about it in pm and probably outside of LIT.

Soul that's up bro! I'm good thanks hope you've been good too. Thanks for the compliment &the back story behind this I kinda figured it was something like that. Yeah man I keep it real & like you said a straight shooter. But I also didn't think things were that deep I mean it's still the internet after all. I thought this thread was about something similar but different.

 

[beachbaby179]

I have read all the posts, and I'm going to add to the change jar...
<snip>
They will tell you what you want to hear, all to get in your cyber pants.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
"Cyber pants"... You just made my whole day.

 

[ydahecnot]

Small clarification: cyber panties

 

[PaulieJay]

Hey Paulie! Stick around and join in the convo.

Hey Wild thanks & I will add long as the nice sunny weekend allows lol

 

[emsway]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
"Cyber pants"... You just made my whole day.

Haha! I’ve used the term ‘cyber panties’ for many years.

 

[makemewet69]

Back in my beginning days on Lit I developed a little thing with a Litster no longer around. I ended it. Then I got an email from his wife. I was on the Dear Litster thread and saw two other ladies were in the same position I was in. We’d all gotten wife emails and we were all played. That’s really been my only “player” experience as I’ve been tied to the same dude for the majority of my Lit stay.

 

[lacandy]

Back in my beginning days on Lit I developed a little thing with a Litster no longer around. I ended it. Then I got an email from his wife. I was on the Dear Litster thread and saw two other ladies were in the same position I was in. We’d all gotten wife emails and we were all played. That’s really been my only “player” experience as I’ve been tied to the same dude for the majority of my Lit stay.

Yeah, that was probably my first experience...I truly thought it was just me he was talking to and was SOOO surprised to find out that there were others (I think that there were more but they didn't get the wife fun!)

And I think that he is still here...I think he is an ALT. Just a hunch...

 

[makemewet69]

Yeah, that was probably my first experience...I truly thought it was just me he was talking to and was SOOO surprised to find out that there were others (I think that there were more but they didn't get the wife fun!)

And I think that he is still here...I think he is an ALT. Just a hunch...

Really? Interesting... I just remember reading FGG’s post and thinking “wait a second.” That was quite the welcome to Lit experience. Had me believing we were gonna meet and I was the only one he was talking to. I’m way more leery and careful now.