Let's tickle the funny bones :)

[italianGod]

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a
brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking lot more fun the kitchen floor. She began tomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me to?"

 

[italianGod]

http://hetu.in/img/fun/1767.jpg

 

[italianGod]

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

[italianGod]

http://hetu.in/img/fun/funh1241.jpg

 

[italianGod]

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your father home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

 

[italianGod]

http://hetu.in/img/fun/funh2742.jpg

 

[italianGod]

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.
The guy says, "How old are you?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

 

[italianGod]

http://hetu.in/img/fun/funh738.jpg

 

[italianGod]

Little Johnny was sitting in class and started waving his arm saying, teacher!, teacher! I have to go pee!"
The teacher called Johnny to her desk and said, "Now Johnny, in this class we use proper wording, the correct word is urinate. You may go to the bathroom, but when you come back I want you to give me a sentence using the word urinate."

So Johnny goes down the hall to the bathroom and when he comes back the teacher says, "O.k. Johnny, I want to hear your sentence now"

Little Johnny says,"O.K., here goes---Urinate, but you'd be a ten if your tits were bigger"!!!!

 

[highlandlassie224]

"My Dick" LMAO I love that!!!

 

[italianGod]

"My Dick" LMAO I love that!!!

Well...not surprised...gals love dick !! LOL

 

[jordansgirl74]

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Cheers !!

THIS.

I cannot WAIT to turn 40.

 

[italianGod]

THIS.

I cannot WAIT to turn 40.

Soon....lady....soon...

 

[WolfsButterfly]

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Cheers !![/QUOTE]

I LOVED that, you had me crying omg!

 

[italianGod]

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Cheers !!

I LOVED that, you had me crying omg![/QUOTE]
Feminist You !! LOL

But good to know you like Andy Rooney

 

[italianGod]

I love this AD

http://hetu.in/img/fun/funh1479.jpg

 

[italianGod]

Analogies and Metaphors

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

 

[italianGod]

Some more .........

1 .She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

2. She was beautiful, with a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

3. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

4. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

5. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

 

[italianGod]

This is why I am attracted to churches - they tell things straight !!

http://hetu.in/img/fun/funh585.jpg

 

[italianGod]

http://hetu.in/img/fun/funh3089.jpg

 

[italianGod]

Some more Analogies and Metaphors


1. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

2. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

3. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

4. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

5. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 

[italianGod]

http://hetu.in/img/fun/981.jpg

 

[WolfsButterfly]

I LOVED that, you had me crying omg!

Feminist You !! LOL

But good to know you like Andy Rooney [/QUOTE]

Truthfully? I don't dudes an ass but sometimes he says some funny shit =P and feminism aint toppin my list lol

 

[WolfsButterfly]

http://hetu.in/img/fun/981.jpg

OMG I worked for this company once doing phone support for cable internet customers and people really say that! Along with 'Turn it off? I've never turned it off, how do I do that??' -.-

 

[CanadianMatt87]

^bahaha thats good.