Just so you know, I blame you for bringing this thread to the top today so it caught my eye for the first time and then stirred my interest enough to post.
I admit that for me, as "something-other-than-a-submissive," probably 97% of my "hard limits" are something I didn't like the last time I did it and won't consider doing again. And, okay, I've done quite a few things that I didn't particularly get off on because the one submitting to me needed it, or at least thought they did. Blades come to mind.
Puke and shit are a definite hard limit. Can't do it. As a toddler, if I made the mistake of looking in the toilet after I took a dump, I was going to call the dinosaurs. And that hasn't really changed. Love thought it was hilarious that even after over two decades of marriage, I couldn't have the door open to the bathroom whichever of us was using the facilities to void. Not even to pee. Hell, it took a decade for me to be able to relax and take a shit with her in the house. Blood, even menses, is not so big a deal. At least so long as I'm not sticking my face in it. But, puke and shit. Unh-uh. People two blocks down will be vomiting in response to the sounds coming out of me.
Humiliation, degradation, and emotional abuse is a hard, hard limit for me. Either direction. Can't do it. Won't do it. Won't even allow my partner or potential partner to humiliate, degrade, or emotionally abuse themselves. I understand, better than most, that there are some people with this need. I'm just saying that I can't and won't be a party to it. Period. Paragraph.
Risky play... even up to some minor body modification... is a bit of a soft limit. It's not something I desire, but in a few circumstances, I've been known to "unleash the beast." But, only in the instance where it is a hard need on my submissives part and we have an established relationship. If, on the other hand, it's something that comes up on the first date, uh, no. This is me walking away. I include breath play in this as well as blades and electro, anything that has the potential of being damaging if misused.
Cheating... I don't know. For me, it's not necessarily cheating qua cheating, as in having another partner, that is a hard limit so much as lying. Lying, about anything, is a hard limit for me. Period. If you lie to me, then you are effectively saying that you have contempt for my intelligence that I could possibly figure it out.
Love, bless her soul, lived under the Sword of Damocles for twenty years because she had accumulated two strikes. And being American, I'm a firm believer that the third strike means you are fucking out. I'm sure that probably sounds harsh to some people, but it is that much of a hard limit for me. That I would have walked even a week before she passed, even with all of the love and history we shared, if she had lied to me once more. And she knew that and accepted it. And never lied to me again.
Which is not to say there may not have been things she didn't say. What some people refer to as "lies of omission." *shrug* I've never been much of one to worry about secrets so much. But, if your mouth is moving and sound is coming out, it had better be the truth and nothing but the truth.
And, of course, I am not submissive. Not even a little bit. Not even a switch. About the fastest way to get me not to do something is to even hint that I may have to. We made the mistake of trying to tie me down once, just once, early on. I broke the girl's headboard. Um... and... well, let's just say that there is a documented case of me looking down the barrel of a gun and telling the wielder he may as well pull the fucking trigger, 'cause it wasn't going to happen.
This is not to say that I'm not a huge fan of her initiating sex. (Assuming she can find five seconds I'm not already headed that way when she is.) But, I can't recall a single time that any female I was in a relationship with (and a couple I wasn't prior) "made a move" that they didn't then find they had just saddled up a whirlwind.
For reasons that I won't get into in public forum (but have hinted at elsewhere), coming at me with a penis, even a fake phallus, is a good way to lose it. I have actually been a part of group sessions with more males than females, but I made it very clear that if a dick came near my ass, mouth, or hand, I would be keeping it in a jar of formaldehyde. I don't really care if that guy is taking that guy in the ass or mouth. I just can't and won't and see absolutely no need to apologize for letting my history rule me there any more than I expect them to apologize for liking what they like.
Abandonment... Ok, so way, way back when, I was involved with a gal who I still think of as my first fiancee. What we actually were was an on again/off again (mostly off) all but platonic boyfriend and girlfriend (explaining that would take five times as long as what I've written so far). And I did the whole "right here, waiting for you with open arms" routine. For four fucking years! Right up until she got married to someone I hadn't even realized was in the running. My second ex-fiancee broke up with me eight times and convinced me to take her back before I put my foot down and told her the next time, she'd better be sure she meant it. After that, I pretty much went with the three strike rule.
(And, No, Honey. Exes are a hard limit for me. Done is done and will never do again.)
Which, by the way, Love didn't get her two strikes for two lies. One was a lie. One was breaking it off.
Striking me, even open-handed much less with something is an automatic two strikes. A woman, I will walk away from. A man... well, let's just say he'd better be damn sure it's something he's willing to kill or die for, 'cause I will be. (Yes, I'm a chauvinist and won't hit a woman in anger, even to hit her back. Oink. Oink.) I have, and do, make allowances for training in self-defense. (Which has always been mandatory as far as I was concerned if I was going to be sitting around worrying about her.) But, not in anger and not even in play outside of training scenarios will I accept being a punching bag.
And considering I have broken bricks with my hands, feet, and head, if she does want me to strike her for fun, she is just going to have to accept it if I am not willing to strike her as hard as she might wish. I don't do closed fist or kicks at all. And if I'm going to swat her ass, and I determine that what she wants is too hard and would risk damage, then she's just going to have to deal with it or find someone else. NO lasting damage is a hard limit for me.
Consent is... Well, I can, and have, played out a quasi-non-consensual fantasy for her after some very careful contracting. But, I categorically require that informed consent be more than implied. And quite often will call a timeout to re-ascertain if there is any doubt in my mind at all from her non-verbals.
I freely admit that, with very few exceptions, most of these are limits that I have learned with experience. And, yeah, like most I did once upon a time make the "rookie" mistake of saying that I was up for anything and thought I meant it. (I had no idea that bodily waste was a thing at the time or I would have listed that right from the go word. 'Twasn't pretty.)
As far as right up front... Well, no. I mean, it hasn't ever been something that I've brought up while sitting over coffee while trying to figure out if we liked each other more than just some nice scenery at work. Typically, I guess I've pretty well addressed it when it came up. I don't know. I mean, I'm willing to allow that I may have some Dominant tendencies, but I still stand by my assertion that there is very little beyond... well, vanilla I suppose that I actively require. Unless maybe it's her allowing me to hold not only the keys to her body and heart, but to her soul.
Damn, somebody that writes more than I do.
Prof. Gav
Candi!
