Limits - Hard, Soft, None

[Primalex]

My bigger problem with limits as dominant is not about which sick perversion I'm willing to afflict upon someone. It is not even the dilemma whether or when "No" is a safeword in BDSM or not. It is whether "Yes" is acceptable consent given by someone who is in a mental state to be able to give a meaningful consent in the first place.

I have multiple examples for this problem, but will pick something easy to relate to.

Once upon a time I have had sex with a girl who drove 2 hours in the middle of the night to meet me in my appartment for sex. And we got along well and we have had sex. Five minutes later she was in tears, telling me that she would marry next week, never mentioning not being single ever before. Nobody would blame me for having sex with her - but this does not make me feel better about it. And who knows, in the current hiccup of sexual harrassment allegations - she could as good write a report about how I exploited her confused state of mind to do something to her that she did not want to do. Memory is a fucked up subjective thing.

You want me to push your head down into the toilet bowl while a Great Dane fucks your cunt and scratches your back with his claws? I don't bat an eye. This are just details. Are you truthfully willing to cope with the results of whatever we are doing? This is my hard limit, no matter how "simple" it seems what we are doing.

 

[Farawyn]

My bigger problem with limits as dominant is not about which sick perversion I'm willing to afflict upon someone. It is not even the dilemma whether or when "No" is a safeword in BDSM or not. It is whether "Yes" is acceptable consent given by someone who is in a mental state to be able to give a meaningful consent in the first place.

I have multiple examples for this problem, but will pick something easy to relate to.

Once upon a time I have had sex with a girl who drove 2 hours in the middle of the night to meet me in my appartment for sex. And we got along well and we have had sex. Five minutes later she was in tears, telling me that she would marry next week, never mentioning not being single ever before. Nobody would blame me for having sex with her - but this does not make me feel better about it. And who knows, in the current hiccup of sexual harrassment allegations - she could as good write a report about how I exploited her confused state of mind to do something to her that she did not want to do. Memory is a fucked up subjective thing.

You want me to push your head down into the toilet bowl while a Great Dane fucks your cunt and scratches your back with his claws? I don't bat an eye. This are just details. Are you truthfully willing to cope with the results of whatever we are doing? This is my hard limit, no matter how "simple" it seems what we are doing.

It’s a really good limit. I like it.

 

[lillianaZ]

It’s a really good limit. I like it.

I agree. This is an excellent limit.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I like my furry kitty. I dont wanna shave it. I might let a partner shave it for a special occasion.

But it takes so long to grow back, I'd rather not shave it on a regular basis. It's pretty close to a hard limit for me.

 

[elli1point1]

But it takes so long to grow back

speak for yourself

 

[Primalex]

What I see primalex mention repeatedly is that he is performing as dom, to order.

Ahem, no, I'm not a service top.

I recall him saying something to the effect that he isn't the bad man, he's just the blank slate for a sub to project their demons on to. (Forgive me if I'm misremembering; I suspect that stance was from years ago.)

That's a terrible memory.

It was one of those "submission is a gift" discussions, where I said:

"Your submission is not a gift, it's the payment for your very own demons, it's a sacrifice that you have to make to silence the voices of your sexual desires, it's the entrance fee to being reduced to a mindless mess of sexual surrender. I have nothing to do with your submission. I'm just the one who is there when you paid up."

And I for sure never would have declared that I'm not the/a bad man. This is for others to decide.

There's that blank slate topic again.

I guess everyone sees what (s)he likes to see.

 

[aFairy]

Glad I bumped into this thread as it reminds me that I am still working on my list.

Limits, for me, depend totally on the kind of connection that I have with the other.
but hard limits are:

*Abduction and / or rape-play
*Blood & scat
*guns & knives
*ass-to-mouth and / or ass-to-anything-else

Soft limits may vary heavily depending on the sort of connection I have with the other.
a few that are always listed are:
*breathplay
*sensory deprivation and / or blindfolds
*caging / confinement
*fisting

as for no limits: I must confess that I did that once.. and looking back on it, I'd advice myself to never do that again..
Nothing bad happend, He totally stayed within boundaries.
In my defense, we were connected for a long time by then already, a he was one who knew most of my darkest parts, I KNEW he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but.... did I really KNOW?

Since then, I always keep my little basic-list close-by and make sure there is plenty conversation about limits as we move a long.

Loved reading all the input in this one..
and..
thanks for the reminder!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

speak for yourself

I have unwanted hair in other places.

 

[elli1point1]

I have unwanted hair in other places.

pffff, tell me about it.

 

[aFairy]

I have unwanted hair in other places.

i always have a few stray ones here and there..

 

[cascadiabound]

I'm curious about your limits. Do you have any!? Have you ever told someone you don't? Have your limits changed over time? When you meet someone new, do you negotiate / discuss these limits? If you're in a relationship, how do you approach new ways to play in terms of addressing limits?

Eliminating the "standard" 3 - minors, death, permanent damage - what are your limits?

I have been reading and watching this thread for some time.
It seems to me that rather than the particulars of my limits (which I am not particularly interested in discussing on an open thread - it is no one's business what my limits are except for someone I might be involved with, in my opinion) I am going to try to address this in a more general way.

Yes I have limits. I have always had limits and I really can't imagine telling someone I have none. Over time, I have gotten better at being clear about what my limits are and articulating them more clearly. And things that I thought would squick me out at one time, I have become more open to, but generally my limits have not changed all that much. Maybe because I came to BDSM and checklists and the need to articulate all of this stuff so late into my sexual experiences.

One hard limit I do have, that I have not seen discussed on this thread is non-consent play.

Once upon a time, someone asked me to write up a SRP profile because he was interested in possibly doing some writing with me. It turns out that for me, that exercise was one of the most useful ones I have ever embarked upon in having to layout what feels okay and not okay to me.

I learned early on in even on line interactions that because I have a deeply powerful imagination, that it is just as damaging to me to have my limits blown through in on-line role playing or sexting or whatever one calls such things as it is skin to skin. And I learned that some people go from hello to a crazy level of kinky fuckery like they are driving a Maserati. Therefore I learned that if I had the least inkling that things might get "heated up" it was important that I start laying out post haste my hard limits. Sometimes I got a big from the other person, but, protecting myself feels paramount in these things.

Generally I have found these conversations to go pretty easily and with a generous and kind give and take. It is a big red flag if these conversations do not.

 

[kittiGoddess]

I am not allowed limits, I trust Master but I do have difficulties.The most difficult thing I have and closest to a limit, just the suggestion brings on a major temper tantrum is bisexuality.

 

[Primalex]

I am not allowed limits, I trust Master but I do have difficulties.The most difficult thing I have and closest to a limit, just the suggestion brings on a major temper tantrum is bisexuality.

If you describe yourself as emotionally stupid, maybe listening to your feeling of trust isn't the best idea. And I think we've said here everything we can say about this.

 

[NastyDom40]

Hard limits are

Scat, permanent damage, minors and animals. Anything that would get her in jail or hospital is definitely a bold hard limit..
I like to push soft limits, within most applicable and sane practices. So I'd love to hear and learn my partner's limits and set things off from there. I believe that Communication and continual feedback are essential for any dynamic to be productive and rewarding for the long run.

 

[Etoile]

I misread that as "trepanation" for a moment. Definitely a hard limit for me.

Ooh, can I steal this for the classes I teach? Usually we give the "pay the Dom's mortgage" example of a limit most people don't realize they have, but I think trepanation is good too.

 

[MistressCassy]

I'm curious about your limits. Do you have any!? Have you ever told someone you don't? Have your limits changed over time? When you meet someone new, do you negotiate / discuss these limits? If you're in a relationship, how do you approach new ways to play in terms of addressing limits?

Eliminating the "standard" 3 - minors, death, permanent damage - what are your limits?

I have found that my personal limits have changed over time, so have those of my husband. Initially when we played we discussed things in length. We don't go into great detail now because we know each other well enough to know where we can push each other to.

New ways to play always get thoroughly discussed though. It helps build up the anticipation whilst making sure we are both happy as well.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Hard Limits - The usual suspects of animals, children, loss of limb, scat, mutiliation, vomit etc. Nipple or Genital Piercings, Being tickled, swallowing cum or having a guy cum on my face, anything do with food, sploshing, and electrified nipple clamps.

Oh, and Doms who seem to think that pushing my limits is a good thing because it makes me a better person or makes me learn more about myself or something equally weird.

Soft Limits - Watersports, anal, suspensions, bi-sexuality, anything to do with fire and being bitten or pinched.

I am sure there are more, just can't think of them or they are really random and wouldn't just suddenly happen in the middle of a scene or I hope not eg Breast Suspension or Breast Skewering.

Tis funny I guess I went the opposite way to lots of people who start with limit lists a mile long then they gradually get shorter. I started with a very short limit list then kept adding to it.

 

[Eva_Starry]

Hard limits:

No poop, vomit, or anything like that.
No fisting.
No bondage where my head movement is restricted.
Nothing where I am exposed to others.
No tickling. Ever.
No soft touches.
No animals. (After the disturbing article I read yesterday...feel the need to add that...wtf).

Soft limits:

Anal play (small stuff ok. Giant dildo...no)


I write this as if I am ever going to get laid in any form, ever again. ...sigh.

 

[Miles Long]

Hard Limits - The usual suspects of animals, children, loss of limb, scat, mutiliation, vomit etc. Nipple or Genital Piercings, Being tickled, swallowing cum or having a guy cum on my face, anything do with food, sploshing, and electrified nipple clamps.

Oh, and Doms who seem to think that pushing my limits is a good thing because it makes me a better person or makes me learn more about myself or something equally weird.

Soft Limits - Watersports, anal, suspensions, bi-sexuality, anything to do with fire and being bitten or pinched.

I am sure there are more, just can't think of them or they are really random and wouldn't just suddenly happen in the middle of a scene or I hope not eg Breast Suspension or Breast Skewering.

Tis funny I guess I went the opposite way to lots of people who start with limit lists a mile long then they gradually get shorter. I started with a very short limit list then kept adding to it.

I thought I heard my name so I came to investigate. What a pleasant surprise to find kiwi is back!

 

[kiwi_submissive]

I thought I heard my name so I came to investigate. What a pleasant surprise to find kiwi is back!

Were your ears burning?

Tis been awhile

 

[Petulence]

.....

 

[islandjoe2]

Guess this is just as good a thread as any to come back to

When I first started exploring my sexuality, so many years ago, I was a bit of a wild child. I told a few women I was interested in that anything goes, no limits. As others have pointed out, it was a rookie mistake based on what I had seen on tv and read in the back of Playboy.

As it turned out, one woman I spent some time with took my words to heart. I generally consider myself pretty open minded in the bedroom but there were a few nights where I experienced a few things I would never care to again. Lesson learned.

If you're expecting/hoping for more than a short term fling, I would say it's imperative that the subject is at least broached sooner than later. Being in a long term relationship with someone who is sexually incompatible or who is not willing to at least entertain your kinks sucks.

I've found that the best way to introduce new things is to casually bring them up in a completely non-sexual time and place. Telling your partner to pee on you while your face is between their legs can make them feel pressured to perform or risk letting you down, which has it's place in some relationships but isn't necessarily healthy to the emotional aspect.

If I have something in mind, I try to broach the subject with humor well beforehand so she has time to contemplate it. I would much rather she have an equal say in it and want to try something new, rather than her trying something she doesn't want to do because she thinks it will make me happy.

I don't know if any of this is making sense.

Ok....limits.

No scat play of any kind. I can't see this changing. There was a very short time where I watched a few scat videos, just out of curiosity, and I just can't wrap my mind around it.

No blood. Not because of the pain aspect but because of the risk of spreading things. Also, I don't want to stain the sheets.

Humiliation. There is a fine line between commanding someone to do something as part of the game, and making them feel worthless or inadequate as part of your own agenda. I'll pass.

Heavy pain. There is a lot to be said for light pain, but when it becomes all you can focus on it crosses a line.

Visible marks. I don't want to tarnish her perfect landscape with something that could be long term. Biting is good, teeth marks and bruising not so much.

Cutting, modifications, or anything permanent.

Hard BDSM. Rope work is good, tease play is good, choking is good. Bending her into a pretzel and then beating on her with a whip doesn't do much for me.

 

[KCWinter]

I have a written list of hard and soft limits, because if someone asks me what my limits are, my mind goes blank and I'm certain to forget at least some of them.

Currently, as best I can remember without looking at that list, hard limits include:
Watersports
Feces
Roleplay (as in actually pretending to be someone else)
Tickling (because it's a PTSD trigger for me)
Permanent marks
Marks that can't be covered by clothing
Humiliation/degradation
Nonconsent
Knife play
Fire play
(I know there are others. As I said, my mind goes blank. And of course the big ones (underage, incest, bestiality, snuff) are included; I think those go without saying.)

The only soft limit I can think of off the top of my head is oral sex. That used to be a hard limit; giving and receiving oral used to be severe PTSD triggers for me. My husband worked with me for a while to the point that now I'm rarely triggered by oral, but if I'm not in the right mood or feel like I *have to* do it, it can still cause problems. So it's a soft limit because sometimes it's okay but other times it isn't. I need my partner to ask me if it's okay, and my Doms cannot *order* me to do it.

 

[TheWhiteBull]

I have only a few hard limits.

Underage
Incest
Scat
Blood

Everything else is soft to varying degrees.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

.....