SunnyDays1
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Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband: "What did I do?"
Wife: "You slept with my sister, you bastard! "
Husband: "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what do you expect me to do? "
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband: "What did I do?"
Wife: "You slept with my sister, you bastard! "
Husband: "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what do you expect me to do? "
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
SunnyDays1
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Comshaw
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15 Things to do at WalMart while your spouse/shopping partner is taking
their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they
aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official
tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from
'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell
loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."
Comshaw
their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they
aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official
tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from
'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell
loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."
Comshaw
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.
The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape. "What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"
“We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
“I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"
"There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" asked the man.
“No, you'll just have trouble seeing with your balls hanging in front of your eyes."
The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape. "What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"
“We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
“I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"
"There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" asked the man.
“No, you'll just have trouble seeing with your balls hanging in front of your eyes."
SunnyDays1
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Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...
He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it."
Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have saved him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it."
Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have saved him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
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SunnyDays1
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A man was released from prison after a 40-year sentence.
After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottle, took 5 pills, and then proceeded to walk back to his hotel.
The next morning, he gingerly walked into the pharmacy and looked the pharmacist in the eyes as he unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis. The pharmacist stared in horror as the man’s penis looked like it had been through a meat grinder and had open sores, the skin was peeling off and it had significant bruising.
The man asked the pharmacist for some BenGay. The alarmed pharmacist asked, “You’re not going to put BenGay on that thing are you?!”
The man replied, “The BenGay is for my arms, the girls never showed up.”
After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottle, took 5 pills, and then proceeded to walk back to his hotel.
The next morning, he gingerly walked into the pharmacy and looked the pharmacist in the eyes as he unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis. The pharmacist stared in horror as the man’s penis looked like it had been through a meat grinder and had open sores, the skin was peeling off and it had significant bruising.
The man asked the pharmacist for some BenGay. The alarmed pharmacist asked, “You’re not going to put BenGay on that thing are you?!”
The man replied, “The BenGay is for my arms, the girls never showed up.”
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A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"
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A prison guard gives Bill Cosby and opportunity...
After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.
"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must not be easy, so today we're going to give you a shot to get out in the sunshine and do some honest work."
"No thank you," says Bill, returning to the Sudoku he is filling out with a crayon. "All the other inmates have been gossiping about your little job all day, and I want nothing to do with it."
Confused, the guard persists, "Bill, seriously man. We need to do some maintenance on the roof, and the warden told me to select a small work complement of our most exemplary inmates to do the job. I've literally only seen this happen in the movies. Don't tell me you're passing up on the chance to get out of this hell hole and feel the sunshine on your face."
Unimpressed, Bill simply replies, "I'll pass."
At this point, the guard is completely bewildered. He gets right up in Bill's face and says, "Hey, man, what's wrong with you? Any other guy in here would kill to have a shot at an easy work complement like this!"
Annoyed, Bill calmly sets aside his crayon and his sudoku, takes off his glasses, looks the guard in the eye, and replies, "Haven't you read my file? Roofies are what got me in here in the first place."
After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.
"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must not be easy, so today we're going to give you a shot to get out in the sunshine and do some honest work."
"No thank you," says Bill, returning to the Sudoku he is filling out with a crayon. "All the other inmates have been gossiping about your little job all day, and I want nothing to do with it."
Confused, the guard persists, "Bill, seriously man. We need to do some maintenance on the roof, and the warden told me to select a small work complement of our most exemplary inmates to do the job. I've literally only seen this happen in the movies. Don't tell me you're passing up on the chance to get out of this hell hole and feel the sunshine on your face."
Unimpressed, Bill simply replies, "I'll pass."
At this point, the guard is completely bewildered. He gets right up in Bill's face and says, "Hey, man, what's wrong with you? Any other guy in here would kill to have a shot at an easy work complement like this!"
Annoyed, Bill calmly sets aside his crayon and his sudoku, takes off his glasses, looks the guard in the eye, and replies, "Haven't you read my file? Roofies are what got me in here in the first place."
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A guy attends an appointment with a psychiatrist...
The Doctor tells him he's going to administer the Rorschach (ink blot) test.
The Doctor shows him the first ink blot and asks him what he sees.
The guy says, " The tip of a man's penis against a woman's back."
"And the second ink blot?"
The guy answers, "Two women making love."
"And what about this one?", asks the Doctor.
"Woo!, that's a threesome with two girls and a donkey!", says the guy.
The Doctor says, "Wow, I don't need to show you anymore, I can tell you that you're a sexual deviant."
"I'm a deviant am I? You're the one showing me the dirty pictures!!"
The Doctor tells him he's going to administer the Rorschach (ink blot) test.
The Doctor shows him the first ink blot and asks him what he sees.
The guy says, " The tip of a man's penis against a woman's back."
"And the second ink blot?"
The guy answers, "Two women making love."
"And what about this one?", asks the Doctor.
"Woo!, that's a threesome with two girls and a donkey!", says the guy.
The Doctor says, "Wow, I don't need to show you anymore, I can tell you that you're a sexual deviant."
"I'm a deviant am I? You're the one showing me the dirty pictures!!"
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3 dogs are at the vet. They ask the chihuahua what he’s there for...
“I’m a biter. I bite kids. I bite my mom. I bite the TV cords. I bite anything. The last straw was when I bit my owners kid. I have to get anxiety medication.”
They then ask the blue heeler what he’s in for.
“I’m a pooper. I poop in the kitchen. I poop in the road on walks. I pooped on the kitchen table which I thought was awesome. I have to get checked for bowel problems”
The other 2 look at the Great Dane and ask him his story.
“Well I’m a humper. I gave it to the tree. I humped the cat. But the worst one was when my owner was getting out of the shower and she dropped her towel”
The chihuahua and the heeler look knowingly at each other and say “Neutered” very sadly.
The Great Dane starts wagging his tail and says: “Nope! I’m getting my nails trimmed!”
“I’m a biter. I bite kids. I bite my mom. I bite the TV cords. I bite anything. The last straw was when I bit my owners kid. I have to get anxiety medication.”
They then ask the blue heeler what he’s in for.
“I’m a pooper. I poop in the kitchen. I poop in the road on walks. I pooped on the kitchen table which I thought was awesome. I have to get checked for bowel problems”
The other 2 look at the Great Dane and ask him his story.
“Well I’m a humper. I gave it to the tree. I humped the cat. But the worst one was when my owner was getting out of the shower and she dropped her towel”
The chihuahua and the heeler look knowingly at each other and say “Neutered” very sadly.
The Great Dane starts wagging his tail and says: “Nope! I’m getting my nails trimmed!”
SunnyDays1
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Getting Old
An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.
The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked you at 92 MPH?" The deaf old gal says "what, huh?". Her husband tries to help by nearly yelling at her "YOU WERE SPEEDING".
Cop then asks "license and registration, please". The lady looks up and says "huh,what?". Her husband leans over and says a bit loudly "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE".
She hands the policeman her license, and the officer who is getting tired of this translator bit mutters under his breath, "you're from New Jersey, I had the worst piece of ass of my life in New Jersey".
The lady, who still can't hear anything, says, "what did he say?". Her husband leans over and yells: "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU".
An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.
The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked you at 92 MPH?" The deaf old gal says "what, huh?". Her husband tries to help by nearly yelling at her "YOU WERE SPEEDING".
Cop then asks "license and registration, please". The lady looks up and says "huh,what?". Her husband leans over and says a bit loudly "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE".
She hands the policeman her license, and the officer who is getting tired of this translator bit mutters under his breath, "you're from New Jersey, I had the worst piece of ass of my life in New Jersey".
The lady, who still can't hear anything, says, "what did he say?". Her husband leans over and yells: "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU".
Last edited:
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A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house...
She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony door and to his surprise he sees 3 nervous looking guys.
The husband looked very confused until one of the guys finally spoke. "Please help us!! Our plane crashed and we had to parachute to this balcony!!". The husband became very concerned for them and insisted that they stay for dinner before leaving. The 3 guys couldn't believe that the trick worked and they played along. The husband was very hospitable and generous and he made the guys feel pretty much at home. However, the guys felt very very bad about deceiving him and wanted to tell him the truth.
They asked him: "Don't you find it odd that 3 army men happened to land on your balcony?"
The husband said: "Not really, just last week 3 NAVY SEALs happened to find their way to my bathtub"
She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony door and to his surprise he sees 3 nervous looking guys.
The husband looked very confused until one of the guys finally spoke. "Please help us!! Our plane crashed and we had to parachute to this balcony!!". The husband became very concerned for them and insisted that they stay for dinner before leaving. The 3 guys couldn't believe that the trick worked and they played along. The husband was very hospitable and generous and he made the guys feel pretty much at home. However, the guys felt very very bad about deceiving him and wanted to tell him the truth.
They asked him: "Don't you find it odd that 3 army men happened to land on your balcony?"
The husband said: "Not really, just last week 3 NAVY SEALs happened to find their way to my bathtub"
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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself: television, ice cream, homework, and video games, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!”
“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to masturbate.”
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!”
“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to masturbate.”
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