SunnyDays1
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Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.
"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."
A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Haven't we spoken before, sir?" the secretary inquired. "I could have sworn I talked to you last week. He's dead." "OK," said the caller. "Sorry to bother you."
Only seven days afterward, though, the secretary heard a by-now-familiar voice at the other end of the line. "Is there any chance
you could connect me with my lawyer?" the man wanted to know.
By now, the secretary was exasperated. "I know we've spoken before, sir. I've told you: he's dead! Why do you keep calling back?
Don't you get it? He's dead!"
The man paused before he answered. "I know, I know . . . . I just enjoy hearing it so much!"
"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."
A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Haven't we spoken before, sir?" the secretary inquired. "I could have sworn I talked to you last week. He's dead." "OK," said the caller. "Sorry to bother you."
Only seven days afterward, though, the secretary heard a by-now-familiar voice at the other end of the line. "Is there any chance
you could connect me with my lawyer?" the man wanted to know.
By now, the secretary was exasperated. "I know we've spoken before, sir. I've told you: he's dead! Why do you keep calling back?
Don't you get it? He's dead!"
The man paused before he answered. "I know, I know . . . . I just enjoy hearing it so much!"
SunnyDays1
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The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well, tell me!” the man said.
The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.”
So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”
“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well, tell me!” the man said.
The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.”
So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”
“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”
SunnyDays1
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Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.
"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."
"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."
"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the third man.
The others stare, shocked and bewildered.
"How can you tell?" they ask.
"Because," replies the third man, "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A jockey."
"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."
"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."
"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the third man.
The others stare, shocked and bewildered.
"How can you tell?" they ask.
"Because," replies the third man, "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A jockey."
SunnyDays1
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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big.
"I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you
really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for
one little weiner?"
"I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you
really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for
one little weiner?"
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, “What’d you do that fer?””
“That’s fer fifty years of bad sex,” she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, “What was that fer?”
That,” said her husband as he began to rock again, “is fer knowin’ the difference!”
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, “What’d you do that fer?””
“That’s fer fifty years of bad sex,” she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, “What was that fer?”
That,” said her husband as he began to rock again, “is fer knowin’ the difference!”
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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TheOlderGuy
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Two boomers chat in the living room after dinner as their wives cleanup.
John: "You know, Bob, we went to that new restaurant downtown the other night. It was great."
"What's it called?"
John ponders the question for a moment, and admits he can't remember. "So, uhhhhh, what's the name of that flower, usually red, women love to get them for Valentine's Day?"
Bob: "Are you talking about a rose?"
"Yeh, yeh, that's it!" turning toward the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?"
John: "You know, Bob, we went to that new restaurant downtown the other night. It was great."
"What's it called?"
John ponders the question for a moment, and admits he can't remember. "So, uhhhhh, what's the name of that flower, usually red, women love to get them for Valentine's Day?"
Bob: "Are you talking about a rose?"
"Yeh, yeh, that's it!" turning toward the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?"
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A man is on trial for murdering his wife...
The judge looks down and reads the charges, "The defendant, Mr. William Jones, has been charged with bludgeoning his wife to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"
Before the defendant can answer a man at the back of the room cries out, "YOU BASTARD!"
"Order in this court room!" the judge says, banging his gavel. "I know this is a horrific crime, but I will not tolerate outburst like that."
The defendant pleads not guilty, and again the man at the back of the room screams, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
"This is the last time I'm warning you!" the judge says, after several more bangs of the gavel. "Keep quiet, or I'll have you in contempt of court!"
The attorney for the prosecution presents his first piece of evidence. "Exhibit A, your honor. A craftsman hammer with the victims blood stains still on it."
Again the man at the back of the room screams, "YOU DIRTY COCK SUCKER!"
The judge is now furious. "Alright! I've had just about enough out of you! I don't care how much you loved the deceased, I will not tolerate-"
"You don't understand, your honor!" the guy says. "I lived next to this asshole for 15 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, that son of a bitch said he didn't have one!"
The judge looks down and reads the charges, "The defendant, Mr. William Jones, has been charged with bludgeoning his wife to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"
Before the defendant can answer a man at the back of the room cries out, "YOU BASTARD!"
"Order in this court room!" the judge says, banging his gavel. "I know this is a horrific crime, but I will not tolerate outburst like that."
The defendant pleads not guilty, and again the man at the back of the room screams, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
"This is the last time I'm warning you!" the judge says, after several more bangs of the gavel. "Keep quiet, or I'll have you in contempt of court!"
The attorney for the prosecution presents his first piece of evidence. "Exhibit A, your honor. A craftsman hammer with the victims blood stains still on it."
Again the man at the back of the room screams, "YOU DIRTY COCK SUCKER!"
The judge is now furious. "Alright! I've had just about enough out of you! I don't care how much you loved the deceased, I will not tolerate-"
"You don't understand, your honor!" the guy says. "I lived next to this asshole for 15 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, that son of a bitch said he didn't have one!"
FranklyFrank
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SunnyDays1
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Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
thør
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes.” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf.” The priest said, “Here comes the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
The priest said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with the group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?.” The greenkeeper replied, “Oh yes, thats a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free at any time.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.,” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m gonna contact my optomologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
The priest said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with the group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?.” The greenkeeper replied, “Oh yes, thats a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free at any time.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.,” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m gonna contact my optomologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
SunnyDays1
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Trump and Putin decide theyre going to decide WW3 with a Dog Fight
So they agree on coming back in a couple of years after training a dog for the occasion and rather than wasting millions of human lives and countless dollars they agree that the winner of the dog fight is the offical winner of WW3.
Some time passes and they meet up again. Putin shows up with a mean looking Russian Shepard all muscle and just foaming with rage and hatred. Trump walks in with a long cage and opens it to reveal a 7ft long weiner dog. Putin and the other russians with him begin to laugh as the war is almost assuredly in their favor. Trump just nods as the two dogs enter the fighting areana.
In a matter of seconds Trump's weiner dog has absolutely shredded Putin's Shepard. There's almost nothing left. Trump just nods his head and begins to leave. Putin in a fit of hysteria grabs Trump by the collar and asks HOW!
"Well if you calm down Vlad I'll tell you." Trump says.
Putin collects himself and takes a step back. Gesturing for Trump to proceed.
"Well it took millions in plastic surgery but we were finally able to make an alligator look like a dog."
So they agree on coming back in a couple of years after training a dog for the occasion and rather than wasting millions of human lives and countless dollars they agree that the winner of the dog fight is the offical winner of WW3.
Some time passes and they meet up again. Putin shows up with a mean looking Russian Shepard all muscle and just foaming with rage and hatred. Trump walks in with a long cage and opens it to reveal a 7ft long weiner dog. Putin and the other russians with him begin to laugh as the war is almost assuredly in their favor. Trump just nods as the two dogs enter the fighting areana.
In a matter of seconds Trump's weiner dog has absolutely shredded Putin's Shepard. There's almost nothing left. Trump just nods his head and begins to leave. Putin in a fit of hysteria grabs Trump by the collar and asks HOW!
"Well if you calm down Vlad I'll tell you." Trump says.
Putin collects himself and takes a step back. Gesturing for Trump to proceed.
"Well it took millions in plastic surgery but we were finally able to make an alligator look like a dog."
SunnyDays1
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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again, in a controlled voice, is saying “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
“Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard’s name is Steve and I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home."
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again, in a controlled voice, is saying “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
“Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard’s name is Steve and I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home."
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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Bob, the undertaker
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye:
“What happened to you?” Asked his wife.
“I had a terrible day.” Replied Bob.
“I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half.”
“I see.” Said his wife.
“That must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”
Bob replied. “Wrong room!”
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye:
“What happened to you?” Asked his wife.
“I had a terrible day.” Replied Bob.
“I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half.”
“I see.” Said his wife.
“That must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”
Bob replied. “Wrong room!”
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SunnyDays1
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Thanks & Sorry
For the creator of this thread, Fingerfuxs......thanks and sorry I hijacked your thread
Love you lots
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/d6/c7/53d6c762df6b5d7b7e787993241619f6.gif
For the creator of this thread, Fingerfuxs......thanks and sorry I hijacked your thread
Love you lots
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/d6/c7/53d6c762df6b5d7b7e787993241619f6.gif
SunnyDays1
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