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25th Anniversary

A loving couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. Tipsy and feeling very intimate, the husband asked, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

"Hmmm," she replied. "Since you ask, I have been unfaithful on three occasions. The first time was back when you needed the open heart surgery. Our insurance was awful, and we didn't have the money, so I slept with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."

Shocked, the husband considered this. "That's outrageous, but I guess I should be grateful. But what about the second time?"

"Do you remember when you got the big promotion at work? I slept with your boss and the HR director, and they gave you the job," she explained.

"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own!" he said. "Then again, our lives improved so much after I got the raise. And the third time?"

"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become union president? Well, you needed 103 votes..."
 
A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?" The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?" A lady close by says, "why do you keep calling your son fat head".

And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man.
Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over there? Biggest truck in the county.

Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county.

And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along."
 
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well, the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
 
A wife finds out her husband has been cheating on her.

Heartbroken and keen to seek revenge, she takes a trip to the local witch doctor to buy a voodoo doll.

She brings it home and waits for her husbands return.

As he walks in the door he notices his wife sitting in dead silence, lights off, with only the dim glow of the fireplace lighting the room.

"What's going on?" he asks

"THIS is for going being my back you scumbag!" and she stabs the voodoo doll in the shoulder... But nothing happens.

"You crazy bitch", he laughs, "is that supposed to hurt me, hahaha, you really are pathetic aren't you!"

She takes the needle and forces it so far up the dolls ass it comes out of the mouth... But again, nothing.

"Ooohhh, I'm trembling now. You know what, I just came home from having the best sex of my life!"

She grabs the scissors from beside her...

"With your best friend!"

...holds it to the dolls crotch...

"AND your SISTER!"

...and castrates the doll.

"We had a raging threesome, it was incredible!!"

She tosses the doll into the fire and runs out of the house.

She heads back to the witch doctor and bursts in through the door, shouting, "The doll didn't work at all!! My husband absolutely humiliated me!"

The witch doctor stubs out her spliff, pours a glass of rum and hands it to the wife. "Dry those tears likkle lady, tomorrow you'll feel right as rain."

"How's that?" replies the wife.

"It works", says the witch doctor, "24 hour delay".
 
The Pope.

A guy meets a Cardinal after converting and asks if he can meet the pope. The Cardinal tells him that it takes a lot to earn a meeting with the pope, so the man donates 50 thousand dollars to the church and is granted his wish.

The pope starts to make his way down the line of people who wanted to meet him, shaking each persons hand. The guy notices farther up the line that when the pope got to a homeless man in tattered clothes, he touched his arm and leaned in close. The guy saw an opportunity and approached the homeless man, offering to switch clothes with him. He goes back to his spot rubbing dirt on his face and looking as pathetic as possible.

The pope finally reaches him, leans in close and says, "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here."
 
A man had a problem...he was a virgin because he had a 25 inch penis...

After seeking consults from all the Doctors in his town and being told no one could help him, the man sulks and starts walking home. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk noticed his forlorn appearance and asked him what was wrong.

"I have a 25 inch penis and none of the Doctors in town are able to help me reduce it."

"I know someone who can," replied the old man. "See, I was once in your shoes and had a 25 inch penis. Doctors couldn't help me either. Then one day as I sat at the lake pondering suicide, a frog hopped up on a lily pad and told me that if I asked him to marry me, that 5 inches would disappear from my penis. I know, it sounds absurd. But damn if it didn't work. You should go see him."

So the man goes to the local lake and sure enough finds the frog sitting on a lily pad. 'Here goes nothing...'

"Frog...will you marry me?"

"No," said the frog.

POOF!! 5 inches disappeared from his penis.

"WOW! It actually works! Frog....will you marry me?"

"No," replied the frog.

POOF!! Another 5 inches disappears. The man now has a 15 inch penis and thought that if he could just lose 5 more inches, he might just be able to take a woman to bed or even star in a porn flick. "I'll ask just one more time and walk away happy with a 10 inch penis."

So he asked the frog one more time. "Frog...will you marry me?"

"How many times do I have to tell you??? NO, NO, NO!!!"
 
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked
the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have
three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your
lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
 
The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....


#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun for a backup.

#6. Your Gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. A Gun functions normally every day of the month.

#3. A Gun doesn't ask, 'Does this new scope make me look fat?'

#2. A Gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep right after you use it.

And the number one reason a Gun is better than a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER for a Gun
 
A world renowned doctor is asked to visit a local mental institute to ensure all the patients truly belonged there...

He is told he will visit three patients and will be supervised by the institutes owner. When he arrives he visits the first patient in his room and sees the patient defecating into his own hands and smearing it on the wall. He quickly turns towards the supervisor and says “this man truly belongs here”.

Off they go to the second room where they see a woman yelling at her own reflection. She is screaming obscenities and threatening to kill the reflection. He quickly turns towards the supervisor and says “this woman truly belongs here”.

When they visit the third and final room the doctor finds a man sitting at a desk scribbling intensely into a notepad. He asks the patient what he’s doing and he says “I’m writing a book on my life experiences”. The doctor is impressed and continues to watch the man for 30 more minutes. He eventually tells the institute owner he will need to come back next week and do some more observations.

The following week the doctor returns and visits the same three patients. Patient 1 is again covered in feces while Patient 2 is still screaming. He visits the third patient and sees him still at the desk writing. The two have a conversation during which the doctor concludes to the owner: “I don’t think this man should be here. He’s functioning normally and in fact, writing a book!” He states he will write a letter to the board and have him released as soon as possible.

Fast forward a few weeks and the third patient has been granted leave. The doctor himself shows up to welcome the man back into the real world. They shake hands and take pictures and before he leaves he requests one thing, “do you think I can get a sneak peak of your book? It’s actually what made me believe in you after all”, he asks. The patient hands him the book and on the cover is written “How Horses Run”. The doctor is fascinated, so he thumbs through the book and on every page is written

*CLIP CLOP*

*CLIP CLOP*

*CLIP CLOP*

*CLIP CLOP*
 
This naked man walks into a psychiatrist's office ...

He is naked except that he is completely wrapped in head to toe with cellophane. He says, "First impression, doc, am I crazy?"

The doctor says, "Well, normally I don't like making rash diagnoses but in this case it is sooo obvious. Everyone in my entire office can see your nuts."
 
A Women was prescribed male hormones for a rare heart condition. After a few weeks, she became concerned about some side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor," she said, "the hormones are helping my heart, but I am afraid that you have given me too much. I am starting to grow hair in places I have never grown it before."

The doctor reassured her that a little hair growth was normal due to the increased testosterone in her system. "Where exactly has the hair appeared?"

She replies: "On my balls!"
 
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