SunnyDays1
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Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, along with Mrs. Johnson's mother, go camping.
One morning when the Johnsons wake up, they notice that Mrs. Johnson's mother isn't in the tent. The look around the campsite, but she isn't there.
The Johnsons look all around the campground for hours, and around noon, find her face-to-face with an 800-pound grizzly bear!
"Quick! Do something!" says Mrs. Johnson.
"No!" replies Mr. Johnson. "The bear got himself into this mess. We must let him get himself out."
One morning when the Johnsons wake up, they notice that Mrs. Johnson's mother isn't in the tent. The look around the campsite, but she isn't there.
The Johnsons look all around the campground for hours, and around noon, find her face-to-face with an 800-pound grizzly bear!
"Quick! Do something!" says Mrs. Johnson.
"No!" replies Mr. Johnson. "The bear got himself into this mess. We must let him get himself out."
SunnyDays1
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A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"
And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"
And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
SunnyDays1
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The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.
There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off.
The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man.
He searches the list and can’t find the penance for a blowjob.
He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy “quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?”
The Alter boy says “2 candy bars and a coke."
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.
There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off.
The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man.
He searches the list and can’t find the penance for a blowjob.
He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy “quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?”
The Alter boy says “2 candy bars and a coke."
Last edited:
SunnyDays1
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A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.
"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"
"No," replied the examiner.
"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's heart beat?"
The examiner shook his head. "No."
"OK... did you try using a flashlight to stimulate the eyes? Look for gunshot wounds or cuts? Take tissue samples? Blood tests? ANYTHING?"
The medical examiner shook his head.
"Then how did you know the victim was dead?!"
The examiner paused. "Well, let me put it this way," he said. "His brain was sitting on a jar on my desk, courtesy of the first responders---but for all I know, the victim could be out practicing law somewhere."
"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"
"No," replied the examiner.
"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's heart beat?"
The examiner shook his head. "No."
"OK... did you try using a flashlight to stimulate the eyes? Look for gunshot wounds or cuts? Take tissue samples? Blood tests? ANYTHING?"
The medical examiner shook his head.
"Then how did you know the victim was dead?!"
The examiner paused. "Well, let me put it this way," he said. "His brain was sitting on a jar on my desk, courtesy of the first responders---but for all I know, the victim could be out practicing law somewhere."
SunnyDays1
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A young girl comes homes and excitedly says to her mother: “mom! I’m in love!”
Her mother replies: “that’s great, sweetheart! What’s his name?”
“Nicos”, the daughter says.
“NICOS?!” the mother cries out. “A Greek? Sweetie, you know the Greek are a special people...”
“I don’t want to hear it!” The daughter responds. “I love him and we are getting married next week!”
The mother sighs and says: “okay, I know I can’t stop you, but you should know that if he asks you to roll over in bed to make love on the other side, say no.”
The daughter is not sure what she means, but agrees and the wedding goes well.
A year goes by and the daughter visits her mother.
“Well,” the mother says, “still no baby on the way?”
The daughter shakes her head sadly. “No it doesn’t seem to work.”
Anyway, that evening the daughter and her husband go to bed and he asks: “honey would you like to roll over on your other side?”
The daughter says: “no I can’t do that! My mother told me I never should!”
“But sweetie,” the husband says, “that’s the only way to make babies.”
Her mother replies: “that’s great, sweetheart! What’s his name?”
“Nicos”, the daughter says.
“NICOS?!” the mother cries out. “A Greek? Sweetie, you know the Greek are a special people...”
“I don’t want to hear it!” The daughter responds. “I love him and we are getting married next week!”
The mother sighs and says: “okay, I know I can’t stop you, but you should know that if he asks you to roll over in bed to make love on the other side, say no.”
The daughter is not sure what she means, but agrees and the wedding goes well.
A year goes by and the daughter visits her mother.
“Well,” the mother says, “still no baby on the way?”
The daughter shakes her head sadly. “No it doesn’t seem to work.”
Anyway, that evening the daughter and her husband go to bed and he asks: “honey would you like to roll over on your other side?”
The daughter says: “no I can’t do that! My mother told me I never should!”
“But sweetie,” the husband says, “that’s the only way to make babies.”
SunnyDays1
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There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
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A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The owner replies, "I'm fresh out, but I do have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." So the man purchases the parakeet.
His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird.
The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor bird might drown." The bird owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet.
"Bird's dead..."
"Filed off too much beak?"
"Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."
His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird.
The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor bird might drown." The bird owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet.
"Bird's dead..."
"Filed off too much beak?"
"Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."
SunnyDays1
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Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.
The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money. My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed."
The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says "all we are missing in my family is my older brother. He wen't off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since. My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family."
The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.
Finally they come to the last student, Little Johnny. The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. "Little Johnny, what about you... what is something needed by your family?" Little Johnny stands up briefly and says "nothing, we have everything" and sits back down. The teacher, slightly upset, asks "Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates have shared something, how can you be *so* sure that your family doesn't need a thing?"
Little Johnny stands back up and says "well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. She said "DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!" My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said "Damn it! That's all we needed!"
The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money. My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed."
The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says "all we are missing in my family is my older brother. He wen't off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since. My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family."
The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.
Finally they come to the last student, Little Johnny. The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. "Little Johnny, what about you... what is something needed by your family?" Little Johnny stands up briefly and says "nothing, we have everything" and sits back down. The teacher, slightly upset, asks "Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates have shared something, how can you be *so* sure that your family doesn't need a thing?"
Little Johnny stands back up and says "well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. She said "DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!" My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said "Damn it! That's all we needed!"
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world.
He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.
After some time, he came out of the kitchen with a visually stunning plate on his hand. Its mind blowing smell was also following the man. Every chef who were there found the looks of the dish simply perfect. They couldn't find a flaw anywhere.
Then they all tasted the meal. They couldn't find any words to describe their satisfaction. None of them had tasted anything near that food. They were all dying to know the answer to their expected question, and finally a chef stood up and asked the man:
"How can a human being cook a meal so perfectly that it can make us feel like we don't know how to cook! Please kind sir, share your knowledge with us."
And the man said:
"A cannibal never reveals their secrets."
He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.
After some time, he came out of the kitchen with a visually stunning plate on his hand. Its mind blowing smell was also following the man. Every chef who were there found the looks of the dish simply perfect. They couldn't find a flaw anywhere.
Then they all tasted the meal. They couldn't find any words to describe their satisfaction. None of them had tasted anything near that food. They were all dying to know the answer to their expected question, and finally a chef stood up and asked the man:
"How can a human being cook a meal so perfectly that it can make us feel like we don't know how to cook! Please kind sir, share your knowledge with us."
And the man said:
"A cannibal never reveals their secrets."
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The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.
They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this day our daily Bud'.
The Pope is appalled. 'But this is sacred, infallible scripture! We can't possibly change the words around like that!' The executives realise this is a big ask, and reassure the pontiff that Budweiser will pay handsomely, to the tune of $50m.
'It's out of the question!' the Pope protests. 'These are the words of our Lord himself. If we change them, it would be blasphemy!'
So the offer goes up to $70m. After half an hour of wrangling, the Pope begins to relent. The Budweiser offer is now $1bn, and he thinks how nice it would be to pay off the Vatican debts, and perhaps even get his apartments refurbished. 'Look,' he says, 'I'll need to discuss this with my secretary of state. Please excuse us.' He takes the cardinal to one side and whispers, 'Luigi, remind me, when does the Wonder Bread contract run out?'
They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this day our daily Bud'.
The Pope is appalled. 'But this is sacred, infallible scripture! We can't possibly change the words around like that!' The executives realise this is a big ask, and reassure the pontiff that Budweiser will pay handsomely, to the tune of $50m.
'It's out of the question!' the Pope protests. 'These are the words of our Lord himself. If we change them, it would be blasphemy!'
So the offer goes up to $70m. After half an hour of wrangling, the Pope begins to relent. The Budweiser offer is now $1bn, and he thinks how nice it would be to pay off the Vatican debts, and perhaps even get his apartments refurbished. 'Look,' he says, 'I'll need to discuss this with my secretary of state. Please excuse us.' He takes the cardinal to one side and whispers, 'Luigi, remind me, when does the Wonder Bread contract run out?'
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A man is looking for a job and sees that the local zoo is searching for a zookeeper.
He goes for it but the director has a negative answer: "I'm so sorry but we just hired someone for the job but if you want, I can offer you something else. Our gorilla died this morning and tomorrow is Saturday so I can't get another gorilla that fast. If you want, we have a gorilla costume and if you wear that, it's just like the real thing. Also, it pays very well."
"Sure thing!" the man says, "and what do I need to do exactly?"
"Well", the director starts, "you need to go into the gorilla cage. There are a few ropes and you only need to swing a bit from one rope to another. That's it."
The man takes the job and the next morning he starts. He's trying to swing back and forth and to jump from one rope to another and by the time it's noon, he's getting quite good at it. A lot of people are looking at this spectacle. Suddenly he's so into it that he swings and he lands into the next cage.
A surprised lion appears and the man starts shouting "Help, help! Get me out of here!!" whereas the lion replies "Shut up fool! Or we both will be out of a job!!"
He goes for it but the director has a negative answer: "I'm so sorry but we just hired someone for the job but if you want, I can offer you something else. Our gorilla died this morning and tomorrow is Saturday so I can't get another gorilla that fast. If you want, we have a gorilla costume and if you wear that, it's just like the real thing. Also, it pays very well."
"Sure thing!" the man says, "and what do I need to do exactly?"
"Well", the director starts, "you need to go into the gorilla cage. There are a few ropes and you only need to swing a bit from one rope to another. That's it."
The man takes the job and the next morning he starts. He's trying to swing back and forth and to jump from one rope to another and by the time it's noon, he's getting quite good at it. A lot of people are looking at this spectacle. Suddenly he's so into it that he swings and he lands into the next cage.
A surprised lion appears and the man starts shouting "Help, help! Get me out of here!!" whereas the lion replies "Shut up fool! Or we both will be out of a job!!"
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