LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber says: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar and onions for a month!"

Penis replies: "Well, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put a bag all over me, put me in a dark, wet chamber, bang me against a wall for 30 seconds to 7 minutes, then I throw up all over myself and pass out"
 
An 80-year old man finds his wife doing a handstand naked against a wall.

Shocked, he asks, "what are you doing?

She replies, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop it in."
 
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85
year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents
for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond
good night and leaves.

She's set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is
back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You're truly a great lover, Roger.''

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ''You mean I was
here already?''
 
A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just reviewed To Kill a Mockingbird and are now having sandwiches."

Amazed the reporter calls his mother and confirms she is indeed enjoying a sandwich at her book club having just reviewed To Kill a Mockingbird.

Now he really wants to test the machine, he asks "Where is my father?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your father is fishing in Scotland."

Ha! Gotcha! Says the reporter to the inventor. My father has been dead for fifteen years.

Confused the inventor suggests that the reporter asks the question in a different way.

Alright then, the reporter says, "Where is my mother's husband?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother's husband has been dead for fifteen years. Your father just caught an eight pound trout."
 
A drunk walks into a bar and takes a seat. Looking down, he sees three darts laying across the bar top.

"Hey, bartender!" The drunk slurs. "Whas with th- these darts?"

"Oh", the bartender says. "It's a new promotion we're running. Whoever gets three bullseye's in a row, gets a free prize."

The drunk stands up. "Where's that dartboard?!?"

Moments later, the drunk is poised and ready. He throws the first dart, nearly toppling over in the process but, sure as hell, he gets a bullseye! The bartender thinks- "Beginner's luck!" The drunk throws the next two and, you guessed it- bullseye, bullseye! The bartender can't believe it! The drunk begins pounding on the bar- "HEY! Where's my prize?!?"

The bartender has nothing! Who ever thought anybody- much less THIS happy asshole- would get three in a row!
Out of desperation, the bartender goes in the back, grabs his pet turtle out of the tank and hands it to the drunk. Satisfied, the drunk leaves.

A month goes by and the same drunk walks in.
"Hey, bartender! Y- you shtill got those darts?" The bartender obliges him, thinking- "What are the odds???"
Boom. Boom. Boom. Once again, he makes all three shots.

"Hey! I won again! Now where's my prize?!?" the drunk exclaims. The bartender is blown away but a deal is a deal. He walks over to the bartender.

"Okay, I'll get your prize, but it's been a while and I forget- what did I give you last time?" The drunk downs a shot and says-

"R-roast beef on a hard roll."
 
A pothead and a leper are in jail and suddenly the leper's right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.

The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.

Suddenly leper's left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.

The pothead is already pretty high and still watches the leper.

Next leper's left arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.

The pothead is now very high and visibly excited.

Finally leper's right arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He grabs it with his teeth and tosses it through the cell window.

The pothead starts jumping around the cell and cheering: "Way to go man, you're almost out!"
 
One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said.

"Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"

The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

 
If you're a male, sex is the opposite of having a bank account...

Once you've made a deposit there's no more interest.
 
A man walks into a strange new store and asks the owner, "How much for this torture device?"

The owner replies, "Sir, that's a wedding ring."
 
A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging him to lick even harder.

The man sucks on her clit and she goes wild. As the woman begs him to suck even harder, he tastes a piece of noodle from her pussy.

He knows he needs to stop but the prostitute starts screaming that she is going to cum. She grinds her clit against his tongue and he tastes a warm juice that reminds him of chicken broth.

The woman immediately pulls the man towards her. She tells him that no man has ever made her orgasm that hard and she will do whatever he wants.

The man wants to continue, but says, I need to tell you that I think you might be sick. First, I tasted a piece of carrot, then a noodle came out, and your pussy juice tasted like chicken broth when you orgasmed.

The prostitute laughs and says, "Baby, I'm not sick, but the man before you was!!!"
 
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
 
Man goes to a doctor...

A husband is convinced by his wife to go to the doctor after he starts having performance issues in the bedroom. The wife drops the husband off at the doctor's office since they were informed that the tests would take awhile to receive back the results. After the battery of questions and tests, the doctor meets with the man and explains the situation.

Doctor: "After performing all the necessary tests, the results have come back and the news is that, your penis has a limited amount of erections left."

Husband: "How many?"

Doctor: "No more than thirty, I think..."

The man leaves the doctor's office in apparent sadness and instead of calling his wife to come pick him up, he decides to walk home and be with his own thoughts. Upon arrival to his house, he opens the front door and is greeted by his wife who has been pacing back and forth awaiting his return. The wife sees her husband's dejected look on his face.

Wife: "So what did the doctor say?"

Husband: "Well, the good news is that I can still have sex...the doctor said approximately thirty more times."

Wife: "Thirty? Well that isn't so bad. Let's sit down and start making a list of special occasions so that way we can get the most out of your limited erections."

Husband: "I already made a list...you weren't on it!"
 
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