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“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse. Yes, here it is. Just look at him, isn’t he adorable? Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest. He says to me in the cutest voice, ‘Hi Grandma!’ It just gets me all teary-eyed.”

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude realized that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.

“You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me, what do you think about my grandson?”
 
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

A screwdriver turns in screws, and Bill screws interns
 
A young woman moves in next door to a married couple

One day, the wife looks out of the window and sees the woman hanging her laundry to dry and it's dirty. She says to her husband, "Why is her laundry so dirty? Does she not know how to do laundry properly? Maybe she has bad laundry detergent?"

The husband doesn't say a word. Time and time again, the married couple sees the young woman hanging her laundry to dry and every time it's dirty.

Then one day, the wife sees that all of a sudden the woman's laundry is perfectly spotless. She says to her husband, "I wonder what she did to make her laundry so clean?"

The husband replies, "I got up early today and cleaned our windows."
 
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieveher glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!!!"
 
An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...

As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”

The wife turns around from her work and reaches around her husband pointing at the last lines of the license.

“Sure it does, right here..... ‘til death.’”

She continues: “Do you want to get out now or in a couple years?”
 
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
 
A man walks into a sex shop to purchase smoe see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It is so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I will not put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

‟Fuck!", exclaims her hubby. ‟It wasn't that creased in the shop!”

His funeral is on Thursday.
 
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: if famine hit the land, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.'

However one of his fellow archaeologists begged to disagree. 'Hebrew is read from right to left,' he explained. 'The symbols say: "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"'
 
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