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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"
The dog barks. "ROOF!"

"See?" the guy says.

"No, your dog did *not* just talk."

"Okay, ask him another one if you want."

"Okay, dog," the bartender continues. "How would you describe the feeling of sandpaper?"

The dog barks again. "RUFF!"

"Now come on," the bartender says. "That's just ridiculous. Your dog cannot talk!"

"Please give him one more chance, bartender!" the guy pleads.

"Alright, fine." The bartender tries to think of a real stumper. He thinks he's got it. "Okay, dog. Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog barks once more. "RUTH!"

"Okay, that's it! I'm finished with this crap. Get outta my bar! You're wasting my time."

The guy walks out, dog under his arm. The dog turns up at him and says, "You think I should've said DiMaggio?"
 
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a patient goes to the doctor with a complaint.

Patient: "Doctor my bottom hurts."

Doctor: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

Patient: "Right around the entrance."

Doctor: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."
 
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his ass walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes."

The social worker then went on to explain further. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well....You started it!"
 
A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Why do you think your wife is trying to poison you?" The man answers, repeating his suspicion: "I'm telling you, my wife is trying to poison me! What should I do??"

The Rabbi thinks for a minute, and then says--give me a week to get to the bottom of this, I'll call you back after I do. A week later, the Rabbi calls the man up and tells him: "well, I had a talk with your wife the other day. She was on the phone with me for 3 hours, non-stop... would you like my advice?"

The man says, "YES, PLEASE"... and the Rabbi answers, "take the poison."
 
The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladies walking along the shore in his direction. He panicked and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got closer and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said, “You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds.”

“Impossible,” said the embarrassed man. “You really know what I think?”

“Yes,” the lady replied. “Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.”
 
In a psych ward, a doctor decides to test if some of the patients were getting better.

He gathered them all in a big room, drew a motorcycle on a wall and said “The person who can start this motorcycle will be allowed to go free!”

All patients rushed to it, trying to start the engine, except one, who was just looking at them from a distance and giggling. The doctor approached him and asked:
"Why are you laughing?"

"They’re dumb, they can try all they want but they will never start that up!"

"Yes, yes indeed, you are correct! Very good! And can you tell me why they will never start it up?"

"Cuz I already drained all the gas!"
 
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The emcee stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"



Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
 
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