More Humour

[oggbashan]

There were many who died on the Mary Rose, Henry VIII's flagship, that were not English.

Many of those fighting for the English at the Battle of Trafalgar were not English.

The Battle of Waterloo was not won by the British but by the arrival of the Prussians.

The French resistance in Normandy was not as large as the French have claimed since. Many had already been arrested and executed. But those few that were active were very effective in slowing German troop movements.

The air battle of Britain had Polish, Czech, Australian, New Zealand and other countries' pilots.

Part of the reason that the French did not land in greater numbers on D-Day but afterwards was the dispute between the allied commanders and General De Gaulle who wanted overall command.

 

[Handley_Page]

Magic Beer

This girl is walkin around one of those big revolving bars on the top of a skyscraper, looking for a one nighter. But she comes to the conclusion that all the guys are losers, so she sits down at the bar and sees what happens.

As time goes by, eventually she is the only person left in the room, apart from this one guy sitting at the table. She goes up to him and he strikes up a conversation.

"Hey, you see this beer?"

"yes..."she replies, expecting some cheezy chat up line. "Its magic beer" says the guy.

"What a loser" the girl thought until the guy took a sip of the beer, got up, and said "watch this"

He proceeded to open a window, jump out of it, fly round the whole bar, come back in the window, and sit back down again.

"Wow!" said the girl.

"I told you it was magic beer" said the guy

"let me have a go" said the girl, so she took a gulp of the beer, opened the window and jumped out.......and plunged to her death.

The guy looked up at the bar tender and sniggered.

The bar tender looked up and said, "Superman, you can be such an @rsehole when you're not working"

 

[jehoram]

There was this big brewers convention in New York, and the heads of the three big breweries attended it. At the table at lunchtime, they found themselves sharing a table with the representative from Guinness.

When the waiter came to take their drink orders, the Miller guy said, "I'll have a Miller Light."

The Coors guy said, "Give me a Coors Light."

The Budweiser guy said, "I'll have a Bud Light, please."

The Guinness guy said, "I'll have a Coke."

When the waiter left, the three Americans said, "Why did you order a Coke?"

The Guinness guy replied, "Well, since you chaps weren't having beer, I thought I shouldn't, either."

 

[Ziggins]

Her shirt said Guess. I said 18? The trial starts Monday.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Cruel fact. Even the museum of D Day at Arromanches records that there were more Poles and Norwegians on the Beaches on D Day than Frenchmen.

.
.....

 

[Hypoxia]

There were many who died on the Mary Rose, Henry VII's flagship, that were not English.

Many of those fighting for the English at the Battle of Trafalgar were not English.

The Battle of Waterloo was not won by the British but by the arrival of the Prussians.
<snip>
The air battle of Britain had Polish, Czech, Australian, New Zealand and other countries' pilots.

"I read the news today, oh boy
The English Army had just won the war..."

Meanwhile, US inductees in training back in the day, marching merrily, calling cadence singing, "I wanna be an Airborne Ranger / Live a life of sex and danger / I wanna go to VietNam!"

Those selected for parachute work are in class. The staff sergeant show the slides, gives all the details, and asks for questions. One trooper stands.

"Sarge, suppose I pull the cord for my primary 'chute and it doesn't deploy, and I pull the cord for my secondary 'chute but it doesn't deploy either. So what do I do then, sarge? What do I do?"

The staff sergeant smiles and says, "You just ride it on out, soldier!"

 

[Handley_Page]

"I read the news today, oh boy
The English Army had just won the war..."

"Sarge, suppose I pull the cord for my primary 'chute and it doesn't deploy, and I pull the cord for my secondary 'chute but it doesn't deploy either. So what do I do then, sarge? What do I do?"

The staff sergeant smiles and says, "You just ride it on out, soldier!"

The Rag-packers (sorry; "Safety Equipment operatives"), used to have a standard response: "Well, if it don't work, bring it back and we'll give you another. . ."

 

[Handley_Page]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for posh starters at the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself," Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up making mad passionate love all night.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his house.
He ran up the stairs of his house. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,
"Come on lads, not far now!"

 

[colddiesel]

Give it some thought, Diesel.


As a not cruel note, the Frenchmen didn't have to land on the beaches; they were already behind the German lines. They were very busy in the Resistance, doing their part to liberate their country.

I note your points and add that The "French" resistance particularly from 1940 to 1943 was substantially the "Communist" French resistance. Notable conservatives were also courageous members but much more likely to volunteer for the Milice Francaise or the local Police which sent 77,000 Jews to Germany (And the Germans did not ask for most of them) Recruitment to the Resistance was much more successful in 1944 and between then and 1945 numbers increased dramatically.

The French had a complete list of people who had collaborated which they intended to publish in 2010, 65 years after the war. Did that ever happen? I cannot find it.

The incidence of collaboration in Belgium and the Netherlands was even higher but they at least had the defence of being fully occupied. France's reputation was damaged by the fact that so much of it was voluntary under Vichy.

The Germans were also extraordinarily successful at recruiting foreign nationals to fight in the Waffen SS, though it has to be conceded that there were only 20,000 Frenchmen compared with more Dutch and 40,000 Belgians. I suspect too that if Operation Sea Lion had been a success the Brits would have been just as co-operative.

Collaboration and (Non) Resistance are very sensitive subjects and if it were not for Jewish Holocaust researchers, much more would have been buried out of sight. It hurts but ultimately perhaps, denying or diminishing it hurts even more.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walks into a bar........
'can I get a bacardi and coke'....
'yep', replies the barman and gives him an apple...
'what the fcuks this????'
'try it and see', replies the barman.
Bloke takes a bite, 'this bit tastes like coke' he says to the barman...
'turn it around' says barman.
'christ, it tastes just like bacardi!!!!'

it goes on for a couple of hours, with bloke trying out varying combinations of drinks. When he eventually leaves the bar, and pretty pi##ed, he has one last go.

' ere, mate, ave you got anything that tastes like fanny????'
barman dutifully throws him an apple.

Man takes a massive bits out of the apple and promptly spits it out, 'that tastes just like sh1t'

'try turning the apple around mate'......................

 

[Handley_Page]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Rodeo Position

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

 

[JamesMiehoff]

Silly Sally went the movies. Halfway through the movie, she started laughing at the dirty old man who had his hand in her bra. She knew her money was in her shoe.

James

 

[JamesMiehoff]

Mama, Mama, why am I running around in circles?
Shut up Sally or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.


Mama, Mama, why is Daddy running across the field?
Shut up Sally and reload.


Mama, Mama, why does Daddy smell like gasoline?
Shut up Sally and bring me the matches.


Mama, Mama, can I have a soda with dinner?
Shut up Sally and drink your beer.


Mama, Mama, why does Daddy's dick taste funny?
Shut up Sally, your sister has a yeast infection.


James

 

[JamesMiehoff]

Sean McGregor, a man who never set foot in church since the day of his baptism, slunk into church, sat in the last pew and began to silently pray, "Lord, I know ye and I are not the best of friends, but I'm a dyin' and I'd like to win the lottery before I go, so I can have some money to leave to me kin." With that he got up and left in the middle of the service.

The next week, Sean slunk in and this time sat in the middle pew. He bowed his head and again began to pray silently, "Lord, I'm not sure ye heard me last week so I decided to move up. I'm dyin' and I'd like to win the lottery, so I can take care of me family when I'm gone." And he got up and limped out.

The following week, Sean wheeled his walker up to the front row. Bowing his head, he began to pray silently as loud as he could, "Please God, I'm not sure how much time I have left. This week fer sure let me win the lottery. I'm not gonna last much longer." Everybody stared at him as his walker squeaked up the aisle.

The next week, Sean was carried by stretcher right up to the altar and he began to pray out loud, "Lord, this might be yer last chance. Please let me win the lottery ---"

Just then the roof of the church opened up interrupting him and a host of angels appeared in a blaze of glory. All who saw it were afraid, but then a voice came out of the light, "Sean McGregor, ya cheap Scottish bastard, give me a little help here and at least buy a lottery ticket."

James

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The nanny approaches the mother, requesting a raise. The woman scoffs at the suggestion. "What makes you think you deserve a raise for doing little more than playing with my kids?"

Very respectfully, the nanny suggests there are many things she does better than the mother.

"Name one!" the mother demands.

"I'm a better cook," the nanny softly suggests.

"Says who?" demands the mother.

"Your son prefers my cooking and he is a healthy, strapping young man."

"Name something else," the mother insists.

"I wash and iron clothes better than you," the nanny carefully suggests. Again, the mother demands to know who would say such a thing! "Your daughter says I take much better care of her clothes. She's beautiful, popular and always well-dressed."

"You have to do better than that," the mother insists. "Name something else."

Blushing, the nanny lays out her final argument. "I am a better lover than you."

The mother erupts. "And I suppose my husband told you that?!"

With a slight smile on her face, the Nanny replies, "Actually, it was the gardener and the pool boy."

 

[Handley_Page]

A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him.

She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?".

He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey".

The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee.

She says "well that doesnt sound so bad".

"It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".

 

[Handley_Page]

Teacher:
Give an example of a Business failure due to careless management ?

Student:
A prostitute getting pregnant.

Teacher:
Leave my Class !

 

[JamesMiehoff]

A very long story for very little payoff.

A man named Benny found a magic lamp on the beach. When he rubbed it the genie appeared.

"You may have any three wishes that are in my power to grant," intoned the genie. "But you must promise never to shave or I will be forced to do something nasty to you."

Benny thought about it and asked for the most beautiful woman to be his wife and who would always be faithful to him.

"Done," said the genie, handing him a slip of paper with a phone number on it.

Benny thought about it some more and decided to ask for a large sum of money to be placed into his bank account without repercussions or hurting anyone.

The genie thought for a moment and then said, "Done." The genie reached into a pocket that had not been there a second before and pulled out a passbook. When Benny looked, it showed a $ sign, a one and a lot of zeros.

For his final wish, Bennie asked for a large mansion with a five car garage and a tax exempt status so he would never have to pay real estate taxes on it.

The genie furrowed his brow and thought for several minutes muttering about tax laws under his breath. Finally, his face erupted with a smile and he yelled triumphantly, "Done," and handed him a set of keys and a map.

With that the genie turned into smoke, rolled into a ball and disappeared.

Well Bennie took a cab to the entrance of that mansion and the key fit and opened the door. He called the phone number and the woman immediately jumped into her car and raced over to the house. They made mad passionate love in six of the rooms before Benny could not do it any more. She agreed to marry him, the very next day so they could continue christening the rest of the rooms.

After being married for 10 years and bearing him 3 beautiful children, Benny's wife who was still beautiful, asked him why he never shaved. Benny refused to explain.

After being married for 30 years and watching their children grow up, Benny's wife, who was still exceedingly beautiful, asked him why he never shaved. Benny again refused to explain.

After being married for 50 years, Benny's wife, who was beautiful beyond words, again asked him why he never shaved. Benny decided to tell her. After being told the story, his wife said, "It's been 50 years. I think the genie has forgotten about you."

Benny thought about this for seven days. On the eighth day, he tripped on his beard. Furious, he went into the bathroom and attacked his beard with a pair of scissors and then shaved the last of the beard off. He called his wife in to see the new man.

Just as she entered the bathroom, the genie appeared and said, "Benny, I warned you," and turned Benny into a very nice looking Grecian urn.

The moral of this story is, a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


James

(I warned you)

 

[Handley_Page]

< Groan >


A woman goes to the vet with a parrot in a shoe box. The parrot has obviously snuffed it long since, but she insists that the vet does what he can. The vet takes his stethoscope to the rigid bird, but tells her ‘Sorry madam, but he’s gone’.

‘I don’t believe you’ cries the woman, ‘I demand a second opinion’. The vet tells her he will get the best help he can and leaves the room. He returns a couple of minutes later with a Labrador, who jumps onto the bench, sniffs the parrot and lets out a low groan and shakes his head at the vet. The vet says ‘There you are, I told you it was no good’.

The woman replies ‘A second rate vet and a dog?? I demand another opinion’, so the vet disappears again. Five minutes later the vet returns, this time with a tabby cat who jumps onto the bench and sniffs the parrot. The moggy instantly arches it’s back and hisses at the deceased bird, before backing away, shaking it’s head.

The vet says, ‘That’s pretty conclusive madam, there is nothing we can do here’ and puts the parrot back into the shoe box. As the woman is going through reception to leave, the vet stops here and hands her the bill.
‘£400 to tell me that my parrot is dead??? That’s extortion!’

The vet replies ‘It would have been just £5, but you insisted on the lab report, and the cat scan . . . . ‘

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A clearly depressed man sat the bar, deep into his cups. The bartender finally asks what's wrong.

"HR told me I had to discontinue giving my assistants The Elbow Test during job interviews."

"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that particular test."

"It's simple, a woman puts her hands behind her head, elbows facing forward and walks toward the wall. If her elbows hit the wall before her breasts, she doesn't get the job."

 

[UsuallyPresent]

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, they hold the bulb and the world rotates around them.


How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two more than you can afford.


How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lightbulb has to WANT to change.


How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.


How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold the bulb in place while drinking until the room spins.


How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but they screw it into the sink.


How many modern artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, I left after the first two hours.

 

[jehoram]

So light bulb jokes are back in?

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb.
None. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb.
Twelve. Ya got a problem wid dat?

 

[Handley_Page]

A Fort Hood 2LT was walking past the post daycare and there was a young toddler sitting in a pile of mud piling it up and smashing his hands in it, giggling like a crazy person...

The LT was intrigued by the kid and approached him to ask why he was so happy, it was then he noticed the smell, it was not mud, but cow manure the kid was playing in.

So now he had to ask, " kid why are you so happy?"
The kid replied " I'm making an NCO"
The LT about died laughing.

So he ran to get his company commander, who he dragged back to see this kid...
The CPT, saw the kid and the LT told him, " go ahead and ask him".. so the commander said "ok kid, what are you doing... to which the kid replied, "I'm making an NCO"

Now both the officers were laughing, the battalion XO was walking by and he stoped to see what all the fuss was about, and he was told to ask the kid...
The same results were brought about as expected, and the XO says hey, the brigade commander was on post visiting and he would love to see this...

So with a couple of phone calls the 2 star generals car pulled up, the general exits the sedan and he spots the child, and like the others asked the kid why he's playing with the pile of shit, to which the kid replies, " I'm making an NCO"
Now the general not wanting to miss a chance to mess with his Brigade Sergeant Major, calls him and tells him to drop what he's doing and report to his location.

A few mins later, up pulls the CSM's Hummer and out he steps...
The general show the kid to the CSM and the sergeant major says "so?"
And the general say, "ask the kid what he's doing"... so the sergeant major asked the kid, "son, what are you doing?"
And the kid replies "I'm making an NCO"
and the General and all the officers are in the ground rolling...

The CSM then asked the kid "son, why are you Making an NCO?"
to this the kid replies...
" because there ain't enough shit to make an officer"...

 

[UsuallyPresent]

So light bulb jokes are back in?

You're making the assumption that I'm "in"... Perhaps not the wisest of decisions!