More Humour

[JamesMiehoff]

Since someone else started it:

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...

Q: How many New Agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
world where we can all aspire to be gods.

Q: How many Literotica authors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and interrupt the other two that are screwing each other because they finally found a nice dark place.


James

 

[Handley_Page]

Billy comes home from school early one day to find his mum riding up and down on his dad on the bed.

"Mum what you doing to dad?" asks Billy.

Mum replies,"I'm trying to flatten his belly".

"There's no point mum, cos Mrs Davis, from next door, just comes round and gets on her knees and blows him back up again" pipes up Billy.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Q: How many Catholic mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "Oh, don't worry about me, dear. I'll just sit here in the dark."



Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. "It's a hardware problem, dude."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man is injured in a car crash near Peterborough and due to the seriousness of his injuries he is taken to the nearest facility which happens to be the military hospital.

The RAF doctor takes him in and spends some time with him fighting to save his life. Eventually the doctor comes to the waiting room where the man's family have gathered amongst the airmen and officers who are waiting patiently for their appointments. The doctor says to the father of the man, unfortunately your sons condition is so bad the only way we can save his life is for him to have a brain transplant. The father says, "yes, yes, whatever it takes, I will pay anything".

The doctor replies, "well, cost is an issue, but we can offer you a choice of brains, an officers brain which is £10,000 or a Junior NCO's brain which is only £2,000."

The officers in the waiting room all look at each other with smug grins when they hear that their brains are more expensive, whilst the airmen look a little dejected.

After a moments silence the father asks, "why is the Junior NCO's brain cheaper?" to which the doctor replies "because its been used of course!"

 

[JamesMiehoff]

A spoiled rich yuppie was driving in his car when he lost control rolled three times and smashed into a tree. A good Samaritan saw what had happened and raced over to pull him from the car.

When he came to, the yuppie looked down and saw his shoes had been ruined. "My Gucci shoes, my Gucci shoes," he cried.

The good Samaritan said, "It will be all right."

The yuppie nodded and then saw his car was a ball of flames. "My BMW, my BMW," he cried.

The good Samaritan said, "It will be all right."

The yuppie nodded. He finally noticed that the good Samaritan was tying a tourniquet around the stump of his left arm. Horrified, the yuppie began screaming, "My Rolex, my Rolex."


James

 

[Handley_Page]

BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)

This would have to be the best email I've ever read.... For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman in which this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.

"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat" she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze.

Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking !!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on he elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased!

The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.

'My Gosh' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said,

"Hit the floor."

Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.

A shower of coins rained down on her.

'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,

"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My Gosh, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak.

She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:

"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;

Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

 

[Handley_Page]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

[Handley_Page]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks,
"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft,
fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon
giffs a phuk."

 

[JamesMiehoff]

Lewis Black - "Moo Cow Fuck Milk"

Moo Cow Fuck Milk

James

 

[Handley_Page]

An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear an Army joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm Army. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Army. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also Army. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

 

[JamesMiehoff]

One of the tallest NBA players walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes a little person (aka a midget) and a normal sized guy walked over to talk. After a few minutes the little person asks how tall the basketball player is.

"I'm 7 foot 11 and a half inches tall," the man says.

"Impressive," says the midget's friend.

As the midget's friend turns to leave, the midget says, "Ask him, or are you chicken?"

The friend stumbles for a minute and finally says, "My short friend here said that he could piss into the toilet right over your shoulder while you are standing up and not get a drop on you."

The basketball player roared with laughter and said, "I'll bet $1000 that he can't."

The midget looked at him and said, "You're on."

The three retire to the bathroom where the midget unzips and then proceeds to pee all over the basketball player's face. After zipping back up, he hands the big man a wad of bills. Laughing the basketball player counts the midget's money, puts it in his pocket and then asks the friend, "Why so glum?"

"Because that fucking little prick bet me $50,000 that he could piss in your face and you wouldn't get mad."


James "It's good to have friends"

 

[JamesMiehoff]

Jamie walked into the drugstore to buy a couple boxes of condoms while contemplating the upcoming long weekend with his girlfriend. The young lady waiting on him at the pharmacy counter asked what he wanted.

Jamie, always polite, said "Just two boxes of magnum condoms, please, Miss."

The young lady who had just gotten married, waved her wedding ring at him and said in an indignant voice, "Don't Miss me!"

Jamie, always helpful said, "Oh, OK. Then make it three boxes."


James "Don't Miss an Opportunity"

 

[Handley_Page]

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor"

 

[EmpressJosephine]

I Just Can't Help Myself Sometimes


I've always loved this joke:

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently HD was the wrong answer.




And I cannot resist this one:

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

That second joke reminds me of a lesbian student in my class a few years ago. She found me very attractive, but I did have to tell her, "It'd never work out. After all, you're gay and I'm straight."

 

[Handley_Page]

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner looks up from his paper and says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

 

[Erlikkhan]

A man walks into the doctor's office and says my voice is low a gravelly. Can you fix it? Doc asks man to drop his pants. His dick falls down to his knees. Doc says his voice is low and gravelly because the size of his penis is pulling on his vocal chords. He can fix it by cutting out several inches in the middle. Patient agrees. Three weeks later patient comes back, and in a normal voices says , Doc, that was great. It worked. By the way, what did you do with that piece you cut out. Doc replies, "Oh. it's around here somewhere," in a low a gravelly voice.

 

[sbrooks103]

What's the difference between Jello and a Jewish princess?

The Jello moves when you eat it.

Ooh, JAP jokes, I love them!

How can you tell when a JAP has an orgasm? She drops her nail file.
What does a JAP make for dinner? Reservations.

 

[sbrooks103]

Since you seem to be lacking a sense of humor or an ability to detect the humor in the culture that willingly spends your tax dollars on their arcane rules and regulations with minimal real safeguards you may wish to participate in some other thread.

Quite honestly this is a humor thread, read it and if you do not understand, just move along.

We GOT the "joke," but didn't see the humor since it was based on the fallacy that the welfare system is full of fakes and frauds.

 

[TxRad]

We GOT the "joke," but didn't see the humor since it was based on the fallacy that the welfare system is full of fakes and frauds.

Please don't feed the troll.

 

[Handley_Page]

One dark and stormy night, a travelling salesmen is wending his weary way home when his car gives up on him. After a few minutes of swearing and kicking the tyres he sets off in the direction of a distant light.
As he approaches he realises it's a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. He knocks on the door, which is answered by an attractive woman.
The salesman explains his predicament and asks if he can stay the night. "Yes" and wers the lady "but I must tell you first, we have a spare room ready made up, I have no daughters, only sons, my husband and I are happily married, the barns are all well lit and as we are an arable farm, we have no animals to speak of".

The salesman looked puzzled and said "Bugger; I'm in the wrong joke!"

 

[JamesMiehoff]

For the best in impromptu and/or unintentional humor, read the comments left by Anonymous in the 750 Word Event stories.

James

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Heard Emo Philips on the radio yesterday with this line:

I surprised my parents during sex. My mom was especially shocked.
"Emo, where did you learn that?!"

 

[Handley_Page]

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom
and daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

 

[JamesMiehoff]

The couple was sitting with the marriage councilor when he asked the wife, "Do you ever talk to your husband during sex?"

She thought for a moment and said, "No. But I do have his phone number so I guess I could call him."


James