More Humour

[Handley_Page]

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:


(Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

10. ___You have a hairy back.

11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness which, I fear, is unbreakable.

13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

14. ___You still live with your parents.

15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little concerning.

16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely, _________________________________

 

[Rustyoznail]

I love writing songs about sewing machines!



I’m a Singer songwriter!

 

[Handley_Page]

I love writing songs about sewing machines!

I’m a Singer songwriter!

<groan>



The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied

 

[CarlusMagnus]

A Horse Walked into a Bar,,,

A horse walked into a bar and said to the bartender: "I'll have a bottle of Guinness."

The bartender replied, "We have that on tap if you'd rather."

"Naw," said the horse. "I'm not a draught horse."

 

[Handley_Page]

A bunch of children are starting secondary school for the first time and have just had their summer holidays. The first lesson is English and after introducing herself the elderly English teacher tells the children she wishes to hear about their summer activities.

Nominating Johnny she asks him to share to which he replies that he went on holiday to Scotland to see his nanny, stopping him mid flow the teacher berates him for his use of a childish word such as nanny, reminds him that he is now in upper school and must use grown up words like grandmother.
She then asks little emily what she did, to which she replies that she went on holiday on a choo choo. Again she is cut off mid sentence and verbally abused for her use of childish words, reminded she is in upper school and should use adult word like train!!

The teacher then asks little billy what he did over the holidays to winch he replies
" i read a book miss" ahh she replies looking smug and expectant, "and what was this book called then young billy?" he thinks for a second and replies "winnie the sh1t".....

 

[LexxRuthless]

Ah. Little Johnny. I still recall the first of those jokes I heard, when it had to be explained what sort of boy Johnny was. "You see, Little Johnny likes to swear," my friend Mike explained. "Like, he swears all the time. Every chance he gets, he will use a cuss word, even in class."

He went on to tell this joke:

As an activity for her class, the young teacher called out a letter of the alphabet, then called upon a student to come up with a word starting with that letter. As soon as she began with, "Who has a word starting with the letter A?" Little Johnny's hand flew into the air.

"Oh! I can't call on him!" the teacher thought. "He'll say asshole or something like that." Instead she called on Little Suzy.

"Apple!" Suzy pronounced happily.

"Very good, Suzy," the teacher replied.

For the letter 'B,' Johnny's hand once again shot up first. "Oh, no, I'm sure he'll say 'bastard' if I call on him," the teacher thought. She once again called upon another student. Johnny's arm damn near came out of its socket when she reached the letter 'F,' but of course she couldn't call on him.

So it went until she reached the letter 'R.' By now, most of the students had gotten to provide a word, and the teacher felt bad about leaving Johnny out. Johnny looked thoughtful and slowly raised his hand. She looked at him and thought, "Well, really, what sort of swear words start with the letter R? I guess he could say 'rectum' but that's not too awful."

She smiled and said, "Yes, Johnny. What word starts with the letter R?"

"RATS!" he exclaimed loudly.

It took her off-guard because he said it so vehemently. "Rats?" she replied.

Johnny shook his head. "Yeah! Big mother-fuckin' rats with dicks this long!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Why did the blonde stand staring at a can of frozen orange juice for 2 hours?

The can said 'concentrate'!!!!

 

[microboy2014]

what do you call a sample of soft tissue between a sharks tooth



a slowswimmer

 

[microboy2014]

my therapist says i have a preoccupation with vengance
WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT

 

[microboy2014]

i was reading that 145.735.291 people were married last year, my concern is shouldn't that be an even number?

 

[microboy2014]

I'll never forget the happines of the sight of my wife walking down the aisle
my heart started beating a little faster and the excitement was unbearable
it seemed to take an age and she finally made it
I gave her a smile and said,
hi love could you get that trolley over there ,they are doing two cartons of beer for the price of one

 

[Handley_Page]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to
a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response. Finally, he prints out a 150 -page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have
exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into
his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here
although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap
about my business. Now, give me back my dog."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Q. What's the difference between 'picnic' and 'panic'?

A. 28 days.

 

[Privates1stClass]

Many years ago I was in the Air Force. Like all military recruits, we were scheduled for a physical exam. At the beginning of the physical, there was a group session where everyone was briefed about what was going to happen, could ask questions, and update their medical histories. The medical history form listed a number of diseases with blocks to check: "yes, no, not sure." Besides measles, mumps, chicken pox, diphtheria, etc., there was a list of venereal diseases.

An airman in the back, asked the sergeant who passed out the medical history forms, "Sarge, what is sci-phillus?"

The sergeant came back with, "Mark 'no.' If you can't pronounce it right, you haven't had it."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

 

[HBergeron]

in the last two weeks I've had an uncontrollable urge to buy automobiles. I had purchased my 8th vehicle when a friend said maybe I should see a doctor.

After just a few questions, I asked the doctor what was wrong with me - why I developed this obsession.

He said, "It looks like you've come down with the Car Owner Virus."

 

[Handley_Page]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Young Lad has a Homework excercise on the difference between Potential and Reality .. bit confused he approaches his Dad .. Dad say its no bother and he can demonstrate the difference to his son ..
Dad goes to see his wife and asks "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Mother replies "Yes I would .. I definetly would" ..
Dad then asks his teenage daughter "Would you sleep with Robbie Williams for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Daughter replies "Course I would .. In a Heartbeat" ..
Dad turns to his son and just says "There you go Boy ...." ..
Son Looks confused and says " I dont understand Dad" ..
Dad replies "Well potentially we are sitting on two million quid but in reality we are living with a pair of slags"

 

[johsun]

A Fort Hood 2LT was walking past the post daycare and there was a young toddler sitting in a pile of mud piling it up and smashing his hands in it, giggling like a crazy person...

The LT was intrigued by the kid and approached him to ask why he was so happy, it was then he noticed the smell, it was not mud, but cow manure the kid was playing in.

So now he had to ask, " kid why are you so happy?"
The kid replied " I'm making an NCO"
The LT about died laughing.

So he ran to get his company commander, who he dragged back to see this kid...
The CPT, saw the kid and the LT told him, " go ahead and ask him".. so the commander said "ok kid, what are you doing... to which the kid replied, "I'm making an NCO"

Now both the officers were laughing, the battalion XO was walking by and he stoped to see what all the fuss was about, and he was told to ask the kid...
The same results were brought about as expected, and the XO says hey, the brigade commander was on post visiting and he would love to see this...

So with a couple of phone calls the 2 star generals car pulled up, the general exits the sedan and he spots the child, and like the others asked the kid why he's playing with the pile of shit, to which the kid replies, " I'm making an NCO"
Now the general not wanting to miss a chance to mess with his Brigade Sergeant Major, calls him and tells him to drop what he's doing and report to his location.

A few mins later, up pulls the CSM's Hummer and out he steps...
The general show the kid to the CSM and the sergeant major says "so?"
And the general say, "ask the kid what he's doing"... so the sergeant major asked the kid, "son, what are you doing?"
And the kid replies "I'm making an NCO"
and the General and all the officers are in the ground rolling...

The CSM then asked the kid "son, why are you Making an NCO?"
to this the kid replies...
" because there ain't enough shit to make an officer"...

Back in 1971 I took my basic training and Infantry AIT at Fort Ord. There was a radio station on the post that we would listen to during the infrequent slack time we had. At six every evening the radio announced the time.
"At the tone it will be eighteen hundred hours"
Bong.
Then the announcer continued.
"For you National Guardsmen on the post, that means it is six PM. For all the second Lieutenants on the post, that means that Mickey's Little hand is on the six, his big hand is on the twelve."
We always got a big laugh at it.

 

[Handley_Page]

Idi Amin did a 'time check'.
Listen HERE.

 

[jehoram]

Aw. you know how it is with women. Give 'em an inch, and they'll say "Is that all? You said it was bigger!"

 

[Handley_Page]

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes.

Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

What’s the difference between pussy and parsley?

Nobody eats parsley.

===========

What’s the difference between a hooker, a mistress and a wife?

A hooker goes, “Faster! Faster!”

A mistress goes, “Harder! Harder!”

And a wife goes, “Beige - I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige!”

 

[Handley_Page]

An elderly man in North Maine had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.


He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[fma20fma]

hi

marriage with a girl born on the 29th feb-leap year is better because you can remember it easily and also the savings on the birthday cake and gift.