More Humour

[Brutal_One]

So she said “give me nine inches and make me bleed!”

So I fucked her three times and punched her in the nose!



Brutal One

 

[lovecraft68]

So she said “give me nine inches and make me bleed!”

So I fucked her three times and punched her in the nose!



Brutal One

That's the funniest thing you've written since your last story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI

 

[Emirus]

Aw. you know how it is with women. Give 'em an inch, and they'll say "Is that all? You said it was bigger!"

Is that why anglers claim to have the biggest dicks?

 

[lovecraft68]

Jesus breaks the bread "This is my body"
Jesus lifts the wine "This is my blood"

Jesus lifts the mayonnaise "This is my..."

Judas: "Jesus, I'm going to stop you right there."

 

[Handley_Page]

Janey was walking down High Street. As she walked past the Butchers, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

 

[Jada59]

My ISP was bought by Ziply Fiber. Who thought up that name? Sounds like a fat acting laxative!

 

[Sammael Bard]

From Teachers of Reddit

I had recess duty a few years ago. A kindergarten girl came running over with another girl right after her and said "She called me the b-word." When I asked the second student if she called the first student the b-word, she turned to the first one and said “Motherfucker doesn't start with a b."

 

[Brutal_One]

Two grannies walking down the street by a greengrocers see a sign saying “3 cucumbers for the price of 2”

“Okay Mable, we can always eat the other one.”



Brutal One

 

[Brutal_One]

Three local neds (non educated delinquents) pitch up at their local hangout joint and are perturbed to see an old lady occupying their favourite booth. They decide they will embarrass her into leaving. They sit in the booth with her.

“You know my mum and dad got married seven days after I was born” said one out loud. The old lady doesn’t react.

The second Ned pitches in “Well that’s nothing my mum and dad get married three months after I was born.” There still seems to be no reaction from the old lady.

Annoyed the third Ned decides he wants to up the ante. “Well my mum and dad never got married!”

Just then the food the old lady has ordered is delivered to the table. The neds still fuming she has not reacted and is maybe deaf, just then she speaks ....

“Can one of you bastards please pass me the salt!”



Brutal One

 

[Handley_Page]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied

 

[Weird Harold]

``````

 

[Handley_Page]

My Dear husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.

I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and feel I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV shows. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything else that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Wife.

Don't try to find me. Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together. Have a great life!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. The reason I watch TV so much is because it drowns out your constant whining and bitching. Unfortunately, that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair-do last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was 'You look just like a boy.' Since my father taught me not to say anything, 'if you can't say something nice, etc.,'
I didn't comment.... and when you cooked my "favorite meal," you must have confused me with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was only a coincidence that my brother had borrowed $300 from me just that morning.

After all this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris........ But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich As Hell and Free Ex-Husband.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope this doesn't present a problem.

 

[Brutal_One]

For Doctor Who Fans

“Anyone can make a mistake!” Says the Dalek as he climbs off the dutstbin.



Brutal One

 

[Handley_Page]

The President was sitting in the oval office waiting for his daily briefing, his aide comes in a says 'sir, i have terrible news, last night we lost a brizian solider'

The Donald was shocked, stunned, how could this have happened?
He replied: ' Oh my good God, that awful;
"tell me; exactly how many is a brizilian?'

 

[TarnishedPenny]

OK, it's a cartoon. I still think it's fun.

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[jehoram]

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Sorry, Penny. That didn't come through.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Sorry, Penny. That didn't come through.

Oops. Away from main computer, will try again later. Odd, it went through ok in preview.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two men stood at the pearly gates, one asks the other,
'How did you die then?'
'I froze to death,' he replied 'How about you?'
'Well I thought my wife was having an affair so i came home in the middle of the day to try and catch her out. When I got there sure enough there she was in bed with a big smile on her face but no bloke in sight,'
'What did you do then?'
'I searched the house, I ran down to the basement searched there, Ran up to the first floor-searched there, then up to the second floor searched there and found nothing, finally I ran up to the attic and thats where i had my heart attack,'

To which the other man replied,
'You stupid s#d you should have checked the freezer!'

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Oops. Away from main computer, will try again later. Odd, it went through ok in preview.

jehoram - It is showing on my computer. Damfino.

 

[Handley_Page]

Sorry, Penny. That didn't come through.

Nor on here !

 

[oggbashan]

_

Propaganda Fails:

During the Phoney War 1939 to early 1940, the Germans erected some large signs opposite French troops with cartoons of a British Soldier fucking a French woman. The slogan in French was: "The Tommies are fucking your Parisian women behind your backs."

Within hours the French troops erected their own sign - "We don't care. We're from the South."

A few hours later they added another response: "So are we, more successfully than the Tommies. We have better chat-up lines. And German girls like sexy Frenchmen too."

 

[Handley_Page]

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

 

[fma20fma]

hi

what is the difference between a gynacologist and protologist?


less than an inch.

 

[HeyYoureThatGuy]

I figure this community would enjoy this joke in particular.


The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

 

[Handley_Page]

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and
I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset ~ I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night he found the following Letter on dining room table:


"To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.