More Humour

[jehoram]

An oldie but a goodie:

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The chicken, because the chicken had to get laid before the egg got laid.

 

[Handley_Page]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is::
"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[LexxRuthless]

One of my correspondents from the site sent me this awful little gem:

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

 

[Handley_Page]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

[Rustyoznail]

Ok, it’s a meme...

 

[Handley_Page]

A man is injured in a car crash near Peterborough and due to the seriousness of his injuries he is taken to the nearest facility which happens to be the military hospital. The RAF doctor takes him in and spends some time with him fighting to save his life. Eventually the doctor comes to the waiting room where the mans family have gathered amongst the airmen and officers who are waiting patiently for their appointments. The doctor says to the father of the man, "unfortunately your sons condition is so bad the only way we can save his life is for him to have a brain transplant." The father says, "yes, yes, whatever it takes, I will pay anything".

The doctor replies, "well, cost is an issue, but we can offer you a choice of brains, an officers brain which is £10,000 or a JNCO's brain which is only £2,000."

The officers in the waiting room all look at each other with smug grins when they hear that their brains are more expensive, whilst the airmen look a little dejected.

After a moments silence the father asks, "why is the JNCO's brain cheaper?" to which the doctor replies "because its been used of course!"

 

[PoisonPen33]

My friend loudly complained that the dildo his girlfriend used on him was too big.

I told him to try taking it down a peg.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

There was a negligent discharge in one of the camps in Helmand. The bullet passed between the legs of one of the squaddies, taking a tiny nick of skin off the bottom of his scrotum.

“Wow!” breathed the company medic, putting a small bandage on the wound. “Were you ever lucky!”

“You don’t know the half of it,” he replied. “If I hadn’t have been thinking of my sister-in-law, I would’ve lost the lot!”

 

[Handley_Page]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do
you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft,
fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon
giffs a phuk."

 

[jehoram]

After a moments silence the father asks, "why is the JNCO's brain cheaper?" to which the doctor replies "because its been used of course!"

Great joke! It reminded me of one I heard, about an incident that took place in Ireland back in the 19th century, when England was seen as an occupying force.

An Englishwoman goes into a butcher's shop in Limerick. She's interested in buying a sheep's carcass, so that her servants can chop it up for mutton and such. But he insists on buying an English sheep, which she proclaims is better than any Irish sheep.

"No problem," the butcher says. And then he sticks his head into the back room and calls out, "Hey there, Paddy. Take the brains out of that sheep there."

 

[LexxRuthless]

Great joke! It reminded me of one I heard, about an incident that took place in Ireland back in the 19th century, when England was seen as an occupying force.

An Englishwoman goes into a butcher's shop in Limerick. She's interested in buying a sheep's carcass, so that her servants can chop it up for mutton and such. But he insists on buying an English sheep, which she proclaims is better than any Irish sheep.

"No problem," the butcher says. And then he sticks his head into the back room and calls out, "Hey there, Paddy. Take the brains out of that sheep there."

I don't know why, but that puts me in mind of a joke I had read on this thread some time back. I'll try to retell it as best I can recall.

A man woke up in the hospital. He had been severely beaten, apparently with a metal object of some sort. He had a multitude of broken bones, cracked ribs, one eye was nearly pulverized, and there were severe bruises over 90% of his body. When the doctors were satisfied that he was stable, a police officer came to his bedside.

"Do you remember what happened?" the officer asked.

"Not really," the man replied, shaking his head. "The last thing I remember, I was playing golf with my wife. A breeze came up while we were teeing off and it pushed both our balls over into a pasture beside the fairway. I remember we were walking around very carefully, and then I saw this flash of white. This cow flicked its tail, and there was a golf ball stuck in its arse! I walked over, lifted the cow's tail, and thought the ball looked like my wife's Titleist. I called out, 'Honey, this looks like yours.' The next thing I knew, I woke up here."

 

[Handley_Page]

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check for stiffness . before play.

5. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied to play the course again.

6. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played in the past to the present course owner. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what is considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times, some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

 

[Handley_Page]

Old Sayings

I wonder if you know some of these very interesting

1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'

2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

6. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

7. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

8. In 1696, William III of England introduced a property tax that required those living in houses with more than six windows to pay a levy. In order to avoid the tax, house owners would brick up all windows except six. (The Window Tax lasted until 1851, and older houses with bricked-up windows are still a common sight in the U.K.) As the bricked-up windows prevented some rooms from receiving any sunlight, the tax was referred to as “daylight robbery”!

Now, there you have the origin of these phrases.

 

[oggbashan]

Old Sayings

I wonder if you know some of these very interesting

1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'

2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

6. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

7. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

8. In 1696, William III of England introduced a property tax that required those living in houses with more than six windows to pay a levy. In order to avoid the tax, house owners would brick up all windows except six. (The Window Tax lasted until 1851, and older houses with bricked-up windows are still a common sight in the U.K.) As the bricked-up windows prevented some rooms from receiving any sunlight, the tax was referred to as “daylight robbery”!

Now, there you have the origin of these phrases.

Or not. Some of thase are urban legends.

1. Stick no wider than thumb - untrue

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rule_of_thumb

2. Golf - No. it was a new four-letter swearword that could be said expressively. Golf was a fiendish Scottish invention to plague the English.

 

[Handley_Page]

From the replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing 'father's details'


"I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks."

"I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right
by the country. Please advise."

 

[jehoram]

Have I told this one before?

When a train struck and killed farmer's cow, he was told he could apply for compensation. He asked for and received a form that he needed to fill out and return to the railroad office.

When he got to the line that said "Disposition of the carcass," he wrote, "Kind and gentle."

 

[oggbashan]

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

 

[oggbashan]

Why did Americans remove the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour?

Because Fuck U, that's why.

 

[oggbashan]

The following are taken from entries made on genuine Child Support Agency Forms:

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. HP has above

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. HP has above.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[Handley_Page]

Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse in the divorce court

Judge: " Mickey, you cannot divorce Minnie on the grounds that she has buck teeth"

Mickey: "No Judge, I dont want divorce on the grounds of buck teeth - I said she was fcuking Goofy!"

 

[LexxRuthless]

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

[Handley_Page]

Airline Pilot settles into his seat and gives the usual talk to the passengers, he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot "Im gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess"
Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error, Stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her .. "Slow down love, he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"

 

[jehoram]

Why was clothing invented?

Because people got tired of carrying towels around all the time.

 

[Kelleebabes]

what your number?...

 

[Handley_Page]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked?
"Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.