More Humour

[jehoram]

Here's another one that has been posted before, but I thought it was pretty good:

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Handley_Page]

One dark and stormy night, a travelling salesmen is wending his weary way home when his car gives up on him. After a few minutes of swearing and kicking the tyres he sets off in the direction of a distant light. As he approaches he realises it's a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. He knocks on the door, which is answered by an attractive woman. The salesman explains his predicament and asks if he can stay the night.
"Yes" answers the lady "but I must tell you first, we have a spare room ready made up, I have no daughters, only sons, my husband and I are happily married, the barns are all well lit and as we are an arable farm, we have no animals to speak of".

The salesman looked puzzled and said "Oh, bugger, I'm in the wrong joke!"

 

[LexxRuthless]

A corporation decided they wanted to have a summer costume party in their office building for the executives and their staff. Initially, everyone was told there would be an open bar, but after some debate the managing partners decided that would be a bad idea and nixed the bar. There was no alcohol, and that came as a shock to some of the employees.

"Hell, I only bothered to get dressed in this get-up for the free booze," one fellow grumped to his friends. "Let's get out of here. I think there's a bar across the street."

His friends readily agreed, and they took the elevator down to the lobby and crossed the street to march into the bar...in costume.

The bartender looked up, and watched a rabbi, a priest, a clown and a monkey walk in the door.

"Is this supposed to be a joke?" he barked.

 

[Handley_Page]

Power of prayer

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, “I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation, as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “My Name is Jim.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my beautiful wife, the word is sternum.”

 

[LexxRuthless]

So...my 14-year-old daughter has been playing this teenage dating sim game. I couldn't tell you the name of it, but she and her friends have really gotten into it. It drew my attention because she was being loud and swearing a bit. I walked in and glanced over her shoulder, and saw that the name of her character was "That Bitch." I scowled and shook my head.

"Sweetheart, why on earth would you name your character 'That Bitch?'" I asked.

She shrugged. "Carole Baskin was already taken."

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1.. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local Convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2.. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time --this should be banned."

3.. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4.. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5.. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6.. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7.. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8.. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9.. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17.. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant; this would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

BE AWARE.... THEY WALK AMONG US, THEY’RE ALLOWED TO VOTE, AND THEY REPRODUCE

 

[Handley_Page]

I just love No 12. . . .




A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 -page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
Now, give me back my dog."

 

[fma20fma]

hi

the shepherd joke is the crown of all jokes here.

 

[Handley_Page]

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom
and daddy came into the room with the lady next door
and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him
exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

 

[jehoram]

Guy: Do you still have your virginity?

Gal: No, I don't.

Guy: Well, then, can I play with the box it came in?

 

[Handley_Page]

Q. Why does the bride always smile as she walks down the aisle?
A. Because she knows she's given her last ever blowjob

Q. What do KFC and good sex have in common?
A. After you've finished with the breast and the thighs, you've got a greasy box to put your bone into

Q. How do you make your wife scream during sex?
A. Call her up and tell her about it

 

[jehoram]

Girl: "I haven't lost my virginity. I know exactly where I left it."

 

[oggbashan]

...

Q. How do you make your wife scream during sex?
A. Call her up and tell her about it

Variant:

A. Get her sister to call her and tell her all about it.

 

[Handley_Page]

The nanny approaches the mother, requesting a raise. The woman scoffs at the suggestion. "What makes you think you deserve a raise for doing little more than playing with my kids?"

Very respectfully, the nanny suggests there are many things she does better than the mother.

"Name one!" the mother demands.

"I'm a better cook," the nanny softly suggests.

"Says who?" demands the mother.

"Your son prefers my cooking and he is a healthy, strapping young man."

"Name something else," the mother insists.

"I wash and iron clothes better than you," the nanny carefully suggests. Again, the mother demands to know who would say such a thing! "Your daughter says I take much better care of her clothes. She's beautiful, popular and always well-dressed."

"You have to do better than that," the mother insists. "Name something else."

Blushing, the nanny lays out her final argument. "I am a better lover than you."

The mother erupts. "And I suppose my husband told you that?!"

With a slight smile on her face, the Nanny replies, "Actually, it was the gardener and the pool boy."

 

[BusDee276]

Q: What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

A: You can beat an egg!!

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Bit grumpy today;

I also kicked Dopey and slapped shit out of Sneezy

 

[Handley_Page]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them? The definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or... are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next..."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Bit grumpy today;

I also kicked Dopey and slapped shit out of Sneezy

I accidentally rear-ended a car yesterday. It wasn't much, just a little fender. Much to my surprise, a little person hopped out of the driver's seat, furious at the little accident as he stormed in my direction. "I am NOT Happy!"

"Aw, then which one are you?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want
to see how you can live on $800 a year".

 

[fma20fma]

hi

teacher: plural of more than mouse is mice.
student:more than one spouse is spice.

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he replies.

 

[BusDee276]

A man goes to his doctor complaining of his sex life at home

''Please help me doctor, I just can't please my wife in the bedroom anymore because I've gotten so small down there''

The doctor asks ''What alcohol do you and her usually drink?''

''I drink lager'' the man replies ''I love it - the wife is tee-total''

''Ahhh'' replied the doctor ''There's the problem. It's the lager - it shrivels everything up! Go home and start drinking Guinness instead, it will beef everything up again - come back in two weeks and we'll see how you get on''

Two weeks later the man returns...

''Well, how's the sex life since you were last here?'' asks the doctor,

''It's great doctor, the sex is amazing againr'' replied the man, ''I really can't thank you enough''

''You're welcome'' the doctor replied, ''It's great that changing your drink has sorted the problem''

''No, no, no doctor'' said the man, ''I tried a few sups of Guinness and I hated it. I just couldn't stand it. No, no, I've got the wife drinking lager instead!''

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Husband learned a whole new life-lesson yesterday; from now on, whenever he walks in the room and sees me crying he's NOT going to say "Aww, is it because of your new hairstyle?"

*

Imagine the Titanic with a lisp; it's unthinkable...

*

Hubby's ex-wife sent a photograph to the 'lonely Hearts Club...they sent it back, saying they'd never be that lonely...

*

Last night hubby asked me if he had any annoying habits...this morning he got really upset during my PowerPoint presentation...

 

[Handley_Page]

A corporation decided they wanted to have a summer costume party in their office building for the executives and their staff. Initially, everyone was told there would be an open bar, but after some debate the managing partners decided that would be a bad idea and nixed the bar. There was no alcohol, and that came as a shock to some of the employees.

"Hell, I only bothered to get dressed in this get-up for the free booze," one fellow grumped to his friends. "Let's get out of here. I think there's a bar across the street."

His friends readily agreed, and they took the elevator down to the lobby and crossed the street to march into the bar...in costume.

The bartender looked up, and watched a rabbi, a priest, a clown and a monkey walk in the door.

"Is this supposed to be a joke?" he barked.

 

[Privates1stClass]

An old man and an old woman became more than just friends at the nursing home where they both stayed. One day while they were sitting on a park bench watching the ducks in the pond near the nursing home, the man asked the woman to hold his penis. She did, and it became their daily routine to sit with her hand wrapped around the man's penis.

Then one day the old woman came to the park bench and it was empty. She looked around for the old man, then saw him sitting on a park bench further down the bank with another old woman.

That evening she confronted him and asked, "What's she got that I don't have?"

He answered, "Parkinson's."