More Humour

[Handley_Page]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[jehoram]

An old guy is bragging to his friend about his new hearing aid.

"This is a top-of-the-line model," he said. "I can hear everything as clear as a bell."

"What kind do you have?" his friend asked.

"About a quarter past four."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man was driving down the road when a rabbit ran out in front of him.
He heard a loud bang.
He stopped the car, got out and inspected the damage and found a large dent in his bumper and the creature dead by the side of the road.
A few moments later a woman pulled up in a car. she got out and had a look at what was going on. She proceeded to rummage through her bag and pulled out a can then sprayed the creature with it.
After a few moments it got up and hopped away.

The man watched on. it hopped a few metres then turned round and waved. then hopped a few metres and turned round and waved. the man asked the woman what she had sprayed it with. she handed him the can. the can read....

Hair spray...
restores dead hair to life, and installs permanent wave!!!!!

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

*

Walked past the fridge earlier and I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee-Gees song but when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talking...

 

[Handley_Page]

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. Because all those men already have boyfriends.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

best marriage is between a dumb and deaf man and dumb and deaf woman.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk and laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his while she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know" he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No" she replies. . . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[NotWise]

This seemed apropos:

 

[Handley_Page]

G'Day 'n' welcome to DKNY radio here in Woolyback creek, deep in the outback of Australia. We have a very special promo on taday we have been given a crate of tin'nies mate and not just any, they're Foster's which I know ya wanna win. So as ya last callert there tried, all ya godda' do is think of a word thats not in the dictionary.... and then pud id in a sentance mate...yup...thats it! So on to our next caller....
DJ) Wass' ya name mate, und were 'd' ya cum from?

Bruce) Me names Bruce (mmm, typical!) an am from yabby doh creek mate!

DJ) Ok Bruce bet ya could do widd one 'o' these right naar **** ya?
(sorry, its part of the joke, not meant to be a swear word)

Bruce) Yup!

DJ) Man of many words there Bruce, ok lets get started... Bruce can ya give me a word thats not in the book?

Bruce) Yup..... Gaaarn!

DJ) Gaaarn...ok Bruce... yup...its-nod in da book here Bruce but can ya pud it inna sentance?

Bruce) Yup...... Gaaarn-fcuk ya self.....!

DJ) Oh my god folks I am so sorry for that outburst there, we here at DKNY radio do not accept that kinda words on here, were all very sorry there listeners, we gonna play some music for a short while 'nd' be back after this.....

Record plays and finishes!

DJ) G'Day folks and welcome back to DKNY radio, we had a little outburst there before the break buts its all sorted and we wud like to apologise to all our listeners for that....NOW back to the Fosters and our next caller....
Wass ya name mate und were ya cum from?

Bruce) Me names bruce....

DJ cuts in....

DJ) Wade-a-minute here...ya not the Bruce form before arrr ya?

Bruce) Nope...!

DJ) Ok... arrr ya sure?

Bruce) Yup?

DJ) Ok Bruce ya know 'da' rules....wass ya word mate?

Bruce) Smeee....

DJ) Smeee....ok Bruce strange word mate buts lets av-a-look....yup Bruce its nod' in der....but can ya pud it in a sentance...mate?

Bruce) Yup.......Smeee argaain, gaaarn fcuk ya self................

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[jehoram]

"I got married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

-- Groucho Marx

 

[Handley_Page]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

[NemoNautilus]

These are vicious. Keep ‘em coming

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

I've just watched an illegal copy of the Queen movie 'Bohemian Rhapsody; I think it was filmed in a cinema because all I could see was a little silhouetto of a man...

 

[Handley_Page]

I've just watched an illegal copy of the Queen movie 'Bohemian Rhapsody; I think it was filmed in a cinema because all I could see was a little silhouetto of a man...

<< groan >>

 

[oggbashan]

Gateshead and Macclesfield

1. Back in 2007, a woman in India applied to the British Consulate for a Tourist Visa.

She said she wanted to go for a week's holiday in Gateshead.

No. She had no family in Gateshead.

No, she had never met anyone who had been to Gateshead.

Her application was denied. The official thought Gateshead already had enough nutters...

2. In the 1960s I had a fortnight's leave in June but I was between girlfriends. Where should I go? I pinned a map of the Southern half of Great Britain on the garden shed and, closed my eyes and threw a dart at the map.

It landed on Macclesfield.

I couldn't face a fortnight in Macclesfield (although decades later my wife said that the countryside around could be pleasant).

I went to Dorset instead, another place I had never been. Perhaps the beer around Macclesfield would have been better than Dorset beer which at the time was awful.

Last year, before COVID, I looked up Trip Advisor for Macclesfield. The Top Ten places to visit in Macclesfield? There were none. All the recommendations were outside Macclesfield up to 15 miles away.

The Top Twenty? The same. All outside Macclesfield.

The Top Fifty? The town library featured but with a bad review...

I think I made he right choice.

 

[Handley_Page]

It landed on Macclesfield.

To be honest, Macclesfield ain't THAT bad; or rather, it wasn't when I got there (had some Very Pretty girls about the place)

== == == == == ==

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight,
"Would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

 

[oggbashan]

To be honest, Macclesfield ain't THAT bad; or rather, it wasn't when I got there (had some Very Pretty girls about the place)

...

I know of worse places - like Sheerness for example.

But in the 1960s? There was nothing to justify driving hundreds of miles to visit Macclesfield.

As for girls? I once visited Llangollen in the pouring rain. Dozens of scantily dressed girls were queueing up to get into the town's only nightclub. It was a lineup for a wet T-shirt contest.

 

[Handley_Page]

I know of worse places - like Sheerness for example.

But in the 1960s? There was nothing to justify driving hundreds of miles to visit Macclesfield.

In my case, 1965, but I get the point !

 

[oggbashan]

In my early years as a civil servant, I went on training courses in a range of Defence establishments.

Almost all of them were sited in some of the most unattractive parts of the UK. We couldn't stay in hotels - there weren't any because no one wanted to visit the areas. We stayed in a succession of pubs and grotty B&Bs because no tourists ever came.

It made me appreciate that there were places one would NEVER want to be posted to...

Like Llantrisant - "The Hole with a Mint".

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

In my early years as a civil servant, I went on training courses in a range of Defence establishments.

Almost all of them were sited in some of the most unattractive parts of the UK. We couldn't stay in hotels - there weren't any because no one wanted to visit the areas. We stayed in a succession of pubs and grotty B&Bs because no tourists ever came.

It made me appreciate that there were places one would NEVER want to be posted to...

Like Llantrisant - "The Hole with a Mint".

Will tells me he once spent a year in Burnley - he thinks it was a Wednesday, but he could be wrong...

 

[oggbashan]

Will tells me he once spent a year in Burnley - he thinks it was a Wednesday, but he could be wrong...

My wife has dragged me around the UK visiting places her family came from. Otherwise, I would never have gone to Hull, Wednesbury or Accrington.

The only attractive things about them were that the local historians were eager and willing to help her find the places her family lived. The people were great, especially at the library in Wednesbury. The places? Once was enough.

My family had lived in rural villages in Suffolk. Those places were much more attractive but had very few facilities - a pub or two, perhaps a shop, but nothing else. The churches were attractive. We walked into one church and the graveyard was full of my ancestors. Every other grave seemed to be a relation. A churchwarden working on the church hall told us that some of the family still lived in the village, 150 years after my ancestors had left but unfortunately they were on holiday in Ibiza...

Some of her family had lived in Barry, South Wales. We were looking at one house and taking photos when the owner arrived. She invited us in to look at the house and gave us tea and Welsh cakes. She and her husband had been restoring the house inside and out and many of the features that had been there when my wife's ancestors lived in it were still present.

The local Registry office staff were very helpful. We had been the first family historians ever to visit that office. We spent three days looking through their records and they provided us - for a fee - with relevant birth, marriage, and death certificates but also innumerable cups of free coffee.

But for most places? Once was more than enough.

 

[oggbashan]

Wrexham Football Club

Wrexham Football Club has just been sold to two US A-list stars.

https://uk.news.yahoo.com/ryan-reyn...ought-a-football-team-in-wales-151703837.html

They will have to learn the football club chants:

Instead of the hymn words 'Bread of Heaven' they sing:

Wrexham Lager, Wrexham Lager,
Feed me till I want no more...

and:

Fluffy Sheep, fluffy sheep.
Fluffy sheep are wonderful.
They're white, fluffy and Welsh:
Fluffy sheep are wonderful.

No wonder Wrexham are so bad at football...

 

[jehoram]

This discussion reminds me of that old joke about Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania:

There was a contest that some radio station was running.

The first prize was a week in Pittsburgh.

The second price was two weeks in Pittsburgh.

(Around where I am, "Fresno" can be substituted for "Pittsburgh" with no damage to the joke.)

 

[Handley_Page]

The New York Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office.

Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20 raise."

"At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of silk stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous watch."

"Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."

"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten."
"That's when he jumped out the window."

 

[PoisonPen33]

My friend loudly complained that the dildo his girlfriend used on him was too big.

I told him to try taking it down a peg.