My Transgender Awakening

[Gi_Venus]

Thanks for the tissue. Don't want to short out the keyboard!

Hope you've had a good week and have something nice planned for the weekend?

I've been out with the archaeology group to see an excavated 17th century water-wheel powered iron forge yesterday evening, a 30 mile round trip by bicycle that left me a bit more tired than I should be. Must be getting out of practice.

Tomorrow, will be looking for a new PC. On Sunday, the social group I'm a member of are having a walk up the hills, followed by a Sunday lunch at the pub, so I'm going along to that. Might try and catch Harry Potter at the cinema before the run ends.

that sounds like a lovely outing, walking in nature is one of my favorite things.
Having a new PC is nice too. lol I need to catch that last Harry Potter movie.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I asked my brother to call me Gianna or Gi He basically was defiant. I lost my temper and yelled at him. Then he got on his high Christian horse and proceeded to judge me. "Well you know I do tolerate you." I see, you tolerate me. How nice, I always admired good Christian folk like him they are such an inspiration for me. Fortunately I have real Christian friends so I know how ideal it can be. I love my sister C., she welcomes me into her home, I take care of her, she is sick all the time from her dialysis. We nurture each other. She phrased it so well. "you don't feel safe" That phrase sent me into tears. It is really how I feel with my family. "not safe" I was molested by my older brother(the one above) when I was a child, My parents were in denial about his abuse of us, he was also a sadist and would torture us. One little game he did was to hold me underwater in the pool until I was starting to drown, my frantic thrashing about was amusing to him apparently. Another game was to confine us in a small place and spray aerosol insecticides and make us breath that. Do I feel safe in my family? Do I feel safe in the world?
pretty much everyone holds me in contempt that I knew. Through all of this I am to build my self esteem and believe in myself. I need to nurture my child. One thing I do work at is to provide him with security and unconditional love. I will love him no matter how he turns out, straight, gay, trans, even Christian *grin* My family wants to cling to the old model of me. The extremly dysfunctional one. Crap! Crap! Crap!

 

[EesomeBeastie]

I asked my brother to call me Gianna or Gi He basically was defiant. I lost my temper and yelled at him. Then he got on his high Christian horse and proceeded to judge me. "Well you know I do tolerate you." I see, you tolerate me. How nice, I always admired good Christian folk like him they are such an inspiration for me. Fortunately I have real Christian friends so I know how ideal it can be. I love my sister C., she welcomes me into her home, I take care of her, she is sick all the time from her dialysis. We nurture each other. She phrased it so well. "you don't feel safe" That phrase sent me into tears. It is really how I feel with my family. "not safe" I was molested by my older brother(the one above) when I was a child, My parents were in denial about his abuse of us, he was also a sadist and would torture us. One little game he did was to hold me underwater in the pool until I was starting to drown, my frantic thrashing about was amusing to him apparently. Another game was to confine us in a small place and spray aerosol insecticides and make us breath that. Do I feel safe in my family? Do I feel safe in the world?
pretty much everyone holds me in contempt that I knew. Through all of this I am to build my self esteem and believe in myself. I need to nurture my child. One thing I do work at is to provide him with security and unconditional love. I will love him no matter how he turns out, straight, gay, trans, even Christian *grin* My family wants to cling to the old model of me. The extremly dysfunctional one. Crap! Crap! Crap!

From what you say, your brother's problems are less to do with being Christian and more to do with being a vicious bastard (if you don't mind me saying so - I know it's presumptious of an outsider to critise family).

Hope you do manage to catch Harry Potter. I'd invite you along if there wasn't an ocean and several thousand miles in the way.

 

[Gi_Venus]

From what you say, your brother's problems are less to do with being Christian and more to do with being a vicious bastard (if you don't mind me saying so - I know it's presumptious of an outsider to critise family).

Hope you do manage to catch Harry Potter. I'd invite you along if there wasn't an ocean and several thousand miles in the way.

Oh no he is a vicious bastard and no he is not a Christian the way he acts. No apologies needed my family is one that is immersed in denial about all aspects of dysfunction my transsexualism is obviously not going to be handled well. I think I was shocked at his contempt for me, he obviously does not know me and refuses to see me preferring his own assessment of reality and judgment.
If I was financially independent I would not have anything to do with my family.

Beastie I would love to go to the movies with you. You seem like a lovely person. I shoulkd see the movie this weekend, my ex has my child having taken the weekend off so I have freedom. Lol I am caught in domestic activities today in helping my mother put a dinner on the table at noon. We have my uncle and aunt coming for Lunch.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I was at the hair stylist today. My friend had told him about me being a transsexual. He had forgotten, my friend showed up in time for the stylist to finish with me. K, the stylist ran over to my friend and whispered to my friend,
"I had forgotten she was a transsexual until you walked in the door. And then I went omg. I did not know!"
Musical words to me, as I was just being me.

His partner in there is a gorgeous drag queen on occasion too. They had a picture of her on the wall all beautiful and shining.

Anyway I have beautiful blond highlights in my hair now with the cut more feathered around my face which softens my look.

Family are being asses, I do not wear a dress very often, But they have fit when I do. *sigh*

 

[EesomeBeastie]

Glad you like your new hairdo.

(For me a haircut is just a chore when it gets too long to be comfy under a cycle helmet)

 

[Gi_Venus]

Glad you like your new hairdo.

(For me a haircut is just a chore when it gets too long to be comfy under a cycle helmet)

Thank you Beastie

 

[Gi_Venus]

I have just been told by my sister that I am a threat to my mother. Because I sometimes wear a dress. I would certainly wear a dress more often if I did not live here. Talking to my mother, was enlightening. My sister told me that my mother asked her to talk to me. My mother said no she did not. This is twice where my sister claims my mother told her and then the follow up shows that she did not. My sister claimed she would lie if I talked to her. I was gentle and non-confrontational she said no she did not ask my sister to do that. In my own conversation with my sister, I told her that she was acting out of her own bias and I am not a threat to my mother. My sister is a a "good" Christian woman.

 

[dedk]

I have a "TG Awakening" type question I hope someone may be able to answer.....

I have been really enjoying playing dress-up recently and have been starting to have a few thoughts about taking it further than I have before. Until now, the few times I've dressed has been 100% about sex, sex, and more sex. I've never even tried to be passable, just sexy and very cum slut-like ;-) This has been quite fun, and I love how incredibly horny I get when I dress-up, but now I'm thinking it may be interesting to go all out (well, sort of) and try living as a woman for a period of time, say a month or so. I'm talking about getting serious about clothes, makeup, shaving/waxing, etc, etc, pretty much everything short of surgery or hormones (though I've thought about those, just need to learn more)

Unlike so many people who are truly TG, I have never for a second had any issues with or doubts about my gender identity. I was comfortably 100% boy, and though I'm not super masculine/macho man, I am definitely not at all fem in mannerisms or appearance. I have taken on a few female mannerisms (though I've never bothered with the voice at all) when I've dressed, but I would definitely have to work hard at it to be at all convincing, but I wouldn't mind that a bit. I don't know enough about the hormones, but it strikes me that to really do things "right", I should consider them, but I'll have to figure out what the ramifications would be longer term, in case I go back to manliness after my trial run ;-)

I'm actually in a perfect position to just give it a shot; I'm completely alone at the moment (many thousands of miles from everyone I've ever known), I'm not currently working, and I do love to experience as much as possible in life, and this would certainly be quite different!

So after that rather long preamble, what I was really hoping to find out is if anyone ever just decided to try to change their gender identity more or less on a whim, just to see what it was like? I think it could be a lot of fun, but I really don't have much of a clue about everything it would entail. I would definitely be interested to hear from anyone who has, or knows someone who has, done something similar to what I'm contemplating.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I have been really enjoying playing dress-up recently and have been starting to have a few thoughts about taking it further than I have before. Until now, the few times I've dressed has been 100% about sex, sex, and more sex. I've never even tried to be passable, just sexy and very cum slut-like ;-) This has been quite fun, and I love how incredibly horny I get when I dress-up, but now I'm thinking it may be interesting to go all out (well, sort of) and try living as a woman for a period of time, say a month or so. I'm talking about getting serious about clothes, makeup, shaving/waxing, etc, etc, pretty much everything short of surgery or hormones (though I've thought about those, just need to learn more)

Unlike so many people who are truly TG, I have never for a second had any issues with or doubts about my gender identity. I was comfortably 100% boy, and though I'm not super masculine/macho man, I am definitely not at all fem in mannerisms or appearance. I have taken on a few female mannerisms (though I've never bothered with the voice at all) when I've dressed, but I would definitely have to work hard at it to be at all convincing, but I wouldn't mind that a bit. I don't know enough about the hormones, but it strikes me that to really do things "right", I should consider them, but I'll have to figure out what the ramifications would be longer term, in case I go back to manliness after my trial run ;-)

I'm actually in a perfect position to just give it a shot; I'm completely alone at the moment (many thousands of miles from everyone I've ever known), I'm not currently working, and I do love to experience as much as possible in life, and this would certainly be quite different!

So after that rather long preamble, what I was really hoping to find out is if anyone ever just decided to try to change their gender identity more or less on a whim, just to see what it was like? I think it could be a lot of fun, but I really don't have much of a clue about everything it would entail. I would definitely be interested to hear from anyone who has, or knows someone who has, done something similar to what I'm contemplating.

I do not know anyone who has done that. Some of the effects of
antiandrogens and estrogen are irreversible sometimes. For instance I started using an antiandrogen that has the effect of permanent impotence after two months. In my case I was quite delighted not to be bothered with that thing anymore. Gender identity is not something that can be switched on and off, it is what you are.

So you are a man who is infatuated with feminizing, role playing and cross dressing. All of those are considered transgendered as is a transsexual.
I know many Male to Female transsexuals preferred to be differentiated from crossdressers and male sexuality. We self identify as women plain and simple and have great problems with men and their sexual ideation.

Good luck on your quest.

 

[Kierae]

Dedk,

Just my humble opinion, hormones/surgery aren't simple. Not on a whim (mind you I am sitting here with my foot in cast..hehe). Much easier "testing the waters" for awhile before considering the long term ramifications. If you have a partner who is conducive or open, it works out great. If you don't, well it's still not out of the question. Sometimes it is just comes down to communication and negotiation.

Personally I identify FTM (actually I prefer queer) and my spouse, welll he explores the MTF spectrum - clearly the moon was full and the planets lined up.

*hugs* Gi - how the hell are you? I don't sign onto yahoo bit will track ya down! Was wondering how you have been doing.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Dedk,

Just my humble opinion, hormones/surgery aren't simple. Not on a whim (mind you I am sitting here with my foot in cast..hehe). Much easier "testing the waters" for awhile before considering the long term ramifications. If you have a partner who is conducive or open, it works out great. If you don't, well it's still not out of the question. Sometimes it is just comes down to communication and negotiation.

Personally I identify FTM (actually I prefer queer) and my spouse, welll he explores the MTF spectrum - clearly the moon was full and the planets lined up.

*hugs* Gi - how the hell are you? I don't sign onto yahoo bit will track ya down! Was wondering how you have been doing.

Kierae I cannot believe I did not respond to this post. Please do track me down any time dear. lol Given my attention deficit ridden mind I probably read it and got interrupted and off I went. *hugs* I meant to respond. I did!

 

[Gi_Venus]

:forenote: in response to a posting at another site.

Hello all,
One thing that one must be aware of is our tendency to try to define things, to
make comprehension possible from a personal view point. Definition for many is
the attempt to hold things still in a changing world. We get disturbed when
something moves beyond its definition. The reality is that what may be appear
typical in any one group belies the diversity and differences within the same
group. We transsexuals are a complex lot, most of us come from disruptive
environments due to our nature. The high suicide rate of our young is testimony
to this, Our common experiences in society and our condition are the things that
tie us together outside of that we each handle and interact differently as
individuals. Generally surveys are fairly inaccurate unless they have a good
cross section of the population. Given the diverse group we are I am skeptical
that many good studies exist about us.

However if I must define myself as a dandelion or orchid, give me orchid any day.
*grin* I grow them and as intellectual as I might appear I can be very
emotional at times. My little boy's mother used to tease me about that. I am
the one that cried in the "scenes" at the movie theater. Typically I am creative
and dysfunctional(working on that damn subconscious self dialogue) so an orchid
I am. I think. It is possible I am a weed. I hope not something more exotic
would be preferential.

 

[androgEros]

It's gonna take a while to read every post in this thread. Being a baby here sucks.....
But, I gotta say, Venus, your eyes are stunning!! So powerful and tender. I'd give you a second glance, if I saw you walking down the street........ or 3d or 4th or 5th You seem like a lovely, fun caring lady. Thanks for the reading material, and real life experiences.

 

[Gi_Venus]

It's gonna take a while to read every post in this thread. Being a baby here sucks.....
But, I gotta say, Venus, your eyes are stunning!! So powerful and tender. I'd give you a second glance, if I saw you walking down the street........ or 3d or 4th or 5th You seem like a lovely, fun caring lady. Thanks for the reading material, and real life experiences.

*blush* Thank you androgEros. You are very kind. Lol one of the reasons for my frankness on this thread is to educate and enlighten people on the transsexual experience. Of course it is only "my" transsexual experience.
Thank you for your sweet compliments.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Every so often I post a post that is uncomfortable posting, the nature of this thread is to give clarity to the Male to Female transgendered experience.
So I post things that are not always flattering. We have different aspects of our life that we all experience and mine is no different. Once and a while I speak of sexuality and how I am impacted by my changes. As a male I was virile and had a strong libido. *grin* my shyness gave me strong hands, or maybe it was the guitar playing. That changed when I met my ex, she was evenly matched with me and we had wonderful times together, through her I experienced the intimacies that had been lacking in my life. After we broke up, it left me impoverished. When I started transitioning, I used an antiandrogen that was very powerful, in fact after two months it is known to cause permanent impotence, in my case it was cause of celebration, for I felt guilty and annoyed at the stirrings and erections I frequently had. I did not miss it. my Interest in sex fell off as well. For the first time I was choosing when I wanted to be sexual or not and it had nothing to do with my penis. Sexuality was finally a thing between my ears not my groin.
The effects of antiandrogens and estrogen continued to change me. Everything sort of shrank down there by a goodly amount. I was curious about orgasms, I continued to masturbate every so often to see if I could orgasm, with the physiological changes, my orgasms shrank as well. My discharges dwindled until nothing existed. My orgasms started to strengthen after a while but I stopped not having a partner it was too sad to play that way. The last time I tried to masturbate was about three quarters of a year ago, having lost my structural integrity left things, um. too soft and now I get hurt if I try, my poor penis swelled up from hurt not excitement and at no time was it stiff, no orgasm just a ow ow yipe, ooooo that hurts I think I will stop. *grin* I don't like him anyway. after a week the swelling went down. Sexuality? I think of love making and I glow from it especially with women, I remember my lover and how wonderful the world of lovers can be. I never used to let myself fantasize but I do now in a nice way, it comes from the heart. Sex is not possible for me, but love making is.

To summarize, only time will tell, not sure if I orgasm anymore and I am terrified male or female of intimaticies in that I may fail in their expectations.
Peace and love to you all.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Many of the transsexual women are confused about their roles, from my own experience, I have pretty much had only unconscionable lascivious behavior towards me from men with no regard for my well being. With a few exceptions. A genetic female would have the guidance of her mother and sisters to give caution to them to cope with the world. On top of that, our very nature with it's societal taboo makes many of us very lonely and very vulnerable. There are no accurate statistics but young transsexuals have a very high suicide rate. Many are thrown out of their homes, in south Florida they end up on the street as hookers. I have a friend who is involved with the Health department working to find alternatives for these young girls. Through the process of learning caution, many girls are bitter and harsh furthering their alienation. It is sad that lonely hurting people are not attractive to most of humanity*Grin* that is why you have all those battle axes out there. They are raped by life or their own expectations. The success rate for transitioning if you count the psychological aspects, is less than 9% meaning you have over 91% of the girls out there being unhappy and unrealized. Having to live with a half formed body is reality I have to live with, what I can focus on is my psychological well being. Hopefully the Gender Dysphoria does not drive me over the edge and the family, and the depression and anxiety and the poverty and my thoughts

 

[horus1953]

Merry Christmas Gi

Hi Gi,

Been a long time since I've talked with you here. Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and the best of New Years.

Here's a and a to start the new year (a little early).

 

[Gi_Venus]

Hi Gi,

Been a long time since I've talked with you here. Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and the best of New Years.

Here's a and a to start the new year (a little early).

Thank you horus, A lovely Christmas and New year to you as well. it is always a pleasure seeing you.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Life sucks

 

[Kiera_Nightgal]

Life sucks

I'm sorry to hear that , I had never seen this thread before and I read it

the first post makes life seem so promising and then I jumped to first unread since this thread had only appeared for the first time to me today and I guess its because of your revisiting it and having to express your less then promising perspective on life as of this momemt

for that I am sorry and offer you a and a

 

[Gi_Venus]

I'm sorry to hear that , I had never seen this thread before and I read it

the first post makes life seem so promising and then I jumped to first unread since this thread had only appeared for the first time to me today and I guess its because of your revisiting it and having to express your less then promising perspective on life as of this momemt

for that I am sorry and offer you a and a

Thank you sweetie, I am in a mood *sigh* old demons ride me. Gives me to despair. Lol usually I am more upbeat, at least what I write about is.
the reclaimation of self is something good, but it is not an easy path, at least for me.

 

[Kiera_Nightgal]

i would imagine its not a easy path for any one
and admire your courage and self desire for truthfulness to stick to it

the full thread read will be a mandatory topic when the time and mindset is proper

 

[Gi_Venus]

i would imagine its not a easy path for any one
and admire your courage and self desire for truthfulness to stick to it

the full thread read will be a mandatory topic when the time and mindset is proper

You flatter me Kiera

It would be courageous to go on living a lie. To be yourself despite all the turmoil it causes in your world could be considered a selfish act. But there does come a point where to go on living contrary to what you are becomes unbearable. One of the things I love most about being a woman is that no one views me with fear anymore. I always have been gentle. But as a man, there was a wall of caution that left me feeling alienated and starved for interaction.

 

[Kiera_Nightgal]

some lies can and other lies can't be lived with

the ones who know are the ones who have to live with them

I hope you find your balance and life