Palmetto13
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Leexia said:
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
(Say it out loud...)
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Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
(Say it out loud...)
lil_squirter
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Two men were walking home after a night in the tavern and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery to get to their homes quicker. In the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Good gracious, Sir," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
through the cemetery to get to their homes quicker. In the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Good gracious, Sir," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Palmetto13 said:
Ouch, just ouch.
So a family of tomatoes is out for a walk. The son is lagging behidn so the father turns and stomps on him brutally squishing him across the pavement. Then says "catch up".
Again this one may need to be said aloud.
lil_squirter
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Two vampires walked into a bar...
the third one ducked.
the third one ducked.
Palmetto13
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grettr said:
Nice.
I think this one might take it, though...
Two baby seals walk into a club.
...
SexyCleric
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It's tasteless, and has nothing to do with halloween, but bear with me.
I took my wife and son to the zoo last week, and while my wife and son were looking at the elephants, I went to use the bathroom.
My son looks at the elephant, and asks his mother; 'Mommy, what's that long thing hanging from the elephant?'
My wife takes a quick glance, and says 'Son, that's just the elephant's trunk.'
The boy petulantly responds 'Not that mom! The thing at the back of the elephant!'
Wife checks again, and says 'That's just the elephant's tail!'
The son is practically throwing a fit by this point, and yells 'NO! Not the tail! The other thing below the tail!'
The mother snorts, and says 'Oh THAT... That's nothing son. Nothing at all,' and walks away as I return.
Seeing my son confused and clearly frustrated, I ask him what's wrong.
Red faced, he says to me, 'Mom won't tell me what the thing hanging from the elephant is.' Pointing to emphasize what he means.
'Why, son, that's the elephant's penis.' I tell him.
The son replys 'But mommy said that it was nothing...'
Bending down to look my son in the eye, I tell him 'Son, I've spoiled that woman rotten.'
How're you all doing tonight?
I took my wife and son to the zoo last week, and while my wife and son were looking at the elephants, I went to use the bathroom.
My son looks at the elephant, and asks his mother; 'Mommy, what's that long thing hanging from the elephant?'
My wife takes a quick glance, and says 'Son, that's just the elephant's trunk.'
The boy petulantly responds 'Not that mom! The thing at the back of the elephant!'
Wife checks again, and says 'That's just the elephant's tail!'
The son is practically throwing a fit by this point, and yells 'NO! Not the tail! The other thing below the tail!'
The mother snorts, and says 'Oh THAT... That's nothing son. Nothing at all,' and walks away as I return.
Seeing my son confused and clearly frustrated, I ask him what's wrong.
Red faced, he says to me, 'Mom won't tell me what the thing hanging from the elephant is.' Pointing to emphasize what he means.
'Why, son, that's the elephant's penis.' I tell him.
The son replys 'But mommy said that it was nothing...'
Bending down to look my son in the eye, I tell him 'Son, I've spoiled that woman rotten.'
How're you all doing tonight?
Texguy84
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As a former student of Texas A&M, I have some Aggie jokes:
Four Aggies are riding in a pickup truck when it goes off a bridge into a river. The two in the cab are able to roll down a window and escape, while the two in the back drown. They couldn't get the tailgate open.
Q:Why can't Aggies make kool-aide?
A:We can't get a quart of water into that little packet.
Four Aggies are riding in a pickup truck when it goes off a bridge into a river. The two in the cab are able to roll down a window and escape, while the two in the back drown. They couldn't get the tailgate open.
Q:Why can't Aggies make kool-aide?
A:We can't get a quart of water into that little packet.
Texguy84
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Texguy84
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Cleric: That joke is awesome. I must tell it to all my friends. 
Incidentally, has anyone seen the new DirecTV commercial with Star Trek?
Star Trek DirecTV commercial
Incidentally, has anyone seen the new DirecTV commercial with Star Trek?
Star Trek DirecTV commercial
SexyCleric
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Texguy84 said:Cleric: That joke is awesome. I must tell it to all my friends.
Incidentally, has anyone seen the new DirecTV commercial with Star Trek?
Star Trek DirecTV commercial
Glad you liked.
And yes, I have seen the comercial.
Good stuff!
lil_squirter
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Firefly Rules all the Jossverse....but that's just me.
SexyCleric
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Leexia said:
Started out good, got weak in the middle, but that last episode...
Wonderful. I
me some Star Trek.
tolyk
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Um, that's just under room temp isn't it? You freeze in our spring days.. Well, if you visit the great white north I'll find you a cuddly canadian guy to help keep ya warm too *nods knowingly* Winter is great, if you have someone to snuggle with.lil_squirter said:
lil_squirter
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tolyk said:
Yes, I get cold very easily. I was up in Tronto off an on over nearly a year a couple years back and winter really did about do me in.
tolyk
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Personally, I've got a higher than average body temp, so cuddling in the heat is normally too much for either myself, or the person I'm cuddling with. So, as much as I like to cuddle, sometimes it's not possible.. I most thoroughly enjoy it on a nice cool evening (no, not winter.. just a nice spring/fall night)Vessira said:What about cuddling even when it's not cold? I like to cuddle
Vessira
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Texguy84 said:See, what you needed was a waterbed filled with cold water. Sooo comfy.
Nah, my bed is comfy enough. My ex from back in HS had a waterbed, and I didn't like it at all, even thought I thought I would. Now if my bed was bigger, say a king or queen and had a headboard, well, that I could be talked into.
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