One for the ladies ...

[WantonWitch]

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."


She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

 

[hotsxylady]

Why do men love computers?

No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.


hehehe

 

[WantonWitch]

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature.

The new theory is that men don't mature.

So you might as well marry a younger one.

 

[molly_hunter28]

http://www.santel.net/~nkon/men5.jpg

 

[hotsxylady]

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?


You marry him

 

[WantonWitch]

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

 

[molly_hunter28]

http://www.santel.net/~nkon/men7.jpg

 

[molly_hunter28]

Ladies I nearly fell from my chair....

http://hoogieshouse.com/men.jpg

 

[hotsxylady]

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A. So men can be open minded

 

[hotsxylady]

http://hoogieshouse.com/men.jpg

LMAO!!! Good one Molly

 

[WantonWitch]

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.


They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

[hotsxylady]

Why computers should be considered masculine:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

 

[WantonWitch]

T-shirts Seen On Women


My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn't please any!
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc)
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all.
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

 

[hotsxylady]

Chemical analysis of human elements

Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.

Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.

Caution: In

 

[WantonWitch]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

 

[DDgirl]

Men are like.....Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

 

[WantonWitch]

Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

 

[DDgirl]

Men are like.....High heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

 

[WantonWitch]

Wife : You delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.


Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

 

[hotsxylady]

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:


1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

 

[WantonWitch]

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

 

[DDgirl]

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

[WantonWitch]

His and Hers Road Trip

HERS

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7-Eleven.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee and beef jerky.

8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts, after he closes the door.

11. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven. 12. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was.

13. Almost hits a deer.

14. Curses the night.

15. Curses you.

16. Curses the large Slurpee.

17. Stops by the side of the road.

18 Takes a leak.

19. Still taking a leak.

20. Almost done...I think.

21. Returns to car.

22. Drives and fiddles with radio.

23. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

24. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

25. He hates your sister, ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

26. He had to look up pernicious.

27. Couldn't find a dictionary.

28. Finally found a dictionary.

29. Couldn't spell pernicious.

30. Seethes at the memory of it all.

31. But she is laughing inside.

32. And of course you're still lost.

 

[DDgirl]

The theatre lights turn off slowly. The curtain moves and in stage there is a man cleaning the bathroom. In the next room there is a man washing dishes. And in the room next to his we see a man making his bed. The curtain closes.

What is the play's name???

MIRACLES

 

[WantonWitch]

Just Like Dad


The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"