One-liners. Okay--two, tops.

[EmeraldKitten]

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



A: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and the other two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.


~*~*~


Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with a birth control pill?



A: A trip without the kids.


~*~*~


Q: What do you call kids that are born in a whorehouse?

A: Brothel Sprouts.


~*~*~


Q: What should you do when a Pit Bull starts humping your leg?



A: Fake an orgasm.

 

[SeaCat]

What is the difference between a pregnant lady and a Lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Cat

 

[thebullet]

What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a parrot?

I don't know, but when it talks, you listen

 

[thebullet]

and of course, the age old:

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

 

[thebullet]

and how about Henny Youngman?

There was a young girl pounding on my hotel room door all night.

Finally I got up and let her out.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I promised myself, I'm outa here but;

2 eggs boiling in a pan:

She says: " Look, d'ya know I've got a crack?"

Him: "it's no use, lady, I'm not hard yet."

 

[Guest]

Remember there are 3 types of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Four out of three people have problems with Fractions.

What's gray and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?

Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup

What's gray and white on the inside and red on the outside?

An elephant turned inside out.

 

[Just-Legal]

Damn, you've told all my jokes!

 

[Guest]

I promised myself, I'm outa here but;

2 eggs boiling in a pan:

She says: " Look, d'ya know I've got a crack?"

Him: "it's no use, lady, I'm not hard yet."

That was funnier than...

than...

than...

ok so it wasn't.

Debbie

 

[voyeuresse]

okay heres mine:

teenagers cause menopause.

 

[voyeuresse]

and one more:

okay that caramel sucker called a Sugar Daddy... they make one dipped in chocolate... whats it called?

Desperate! because sometimes money isnt enuf!

 

[voyeuresse]

or
Resourceful! because sometimes money isnt enuf!



okay i made those two up... im still working on the second one... any ideas how to make it really work?

 

[mugman]

Funny?

What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal as they dined on a clown?



Does this taste funny to you?

 

[woodnymph_O]

had to bump

this was cute
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A
NORTHERN ZOO?
A NORTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL
ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE.
A SOUTHER ZOO HAS A DECSCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

What's the difference between sin and shame?

It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

 

[cantdog]

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y90/sysladobsis/Luckovich-Blow-Cover.jpg

 

[Huckleman2000]

1. "Apart from that, did you enjoy the play Mrs. Lincoln?"
2. "I think I like homosexual necrophilia!", said Frank in dead earnest.

 

[SeaCat]

Donald Rumsfeld was giving President Bush his daily briefing. As he was diving the daily tallies from Iraq he finished with:

"And today there were four Brazilian Soldiers KIlled."

"Oh my God that's terrible news" President Bush wailed.

His staff stood there mystified as he sat there mourning, his head in his hands. Finally he sat up and rubbing his eyes asked:

"How many is in a Brazilian?"

Cat

 

[thebullet]

Reporter: "Mr President, how do you feel about Roe Vs. Wade?"

GWB: "I don't care how they get out of New Orleans."

 

[voyeuresse]

i cant think of one but we need to start this thread up again because i need to laugh again.

 

[matriarch]

I haven't read back, and I apologise if these are repeats, but.......

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

----------
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

---------
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

--------
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

-------
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

------
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

----------
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

---------
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

--------
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

--------
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

--------
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

--------
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

--------
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

--------
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

--------
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

--------
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

--------
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

--------
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

--------
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

--------
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

--------
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

--------
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

-------
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

-------
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

-------
Every calendar's days are numbered.

-------
A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.

-------
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

-------
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

-------
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

-------
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

-------
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

-------
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

-------
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

-------
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

[Ferawyn]

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

<snorts coffee on the screen>

 

[thebullet]

Christ, I feel like I fell into Readers Digest Hell.

Well, I can do it too:

Tom Swifties --these go way back
"There are no bathrooms in this stadium", said Tom understandingly.
"I lost at Russian Roulette", said Tom absentmindedly.
"Did you see that crocodile", asked Captain Hook offhandedly?
"What is the purpose of this thread", thebullet asked aimlessly?
________
Tom Swiftie poetry:
"Oh Cynthia, darling, come here,
I'll murmur sweet nothings, my dear.
I'll be yours, till cars
Can fly to the stars.
It's true," whispered Tom in Cyn's ear.

"The Venus de Milo is charming;
We must get her moved, free of harming.
The crate, though, won't hold 'er,
We'll chop at the shoulder,"
Said Tom, in a manner disarming.

______________________________________________________________

Did you hear about the girl who said she'd do anything for a mink coat, and now she can't button it?
_______________________________________________________________

 

[hugo_sam]

Make You Think

I hope these fit the 'thread', they're not exactly funny, but they will make you think:

Why do they call it common sense when it is so uncommon?

364 days a year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged.

Why is it when we laught in school the teachers ask 'Do you find something funny?' Obviously we do!

Why do you delete something on a computer, but erase something on paper?

Since the rule is 'i' before 'e' except before 'c', wouldn't 'science' be spelled wrong?

Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marraige?

Hugo

 

[voyeuresse]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

hahahahahahahhhahhahh... ohhhh thank you! hahaha whew