Post a reason why the person above would appear in the evening breaking news

[kurrginatorX]

This just in: Patchy the Pirate gets new gig. More at eleven.

 

[JerseyJade]

This just in: Patchy the Pirate gets new gig. More at eleven.

Breaking news: If you see this man, please call, 911 immediately. He's wanted by the ASPCA for animal cruelly. As of now, he's suspected of spanking the monkey, flogging the dolphin, fleeceing the sheep and wacking the mole. More on this devolving story at 10 PM.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Trisha: Oh my, Tom.

Tom: Oh my, Tom, indeed Trisha. Have you seen Joisey Shade of late?

Trisha: Pitiful, Tom. Just Pitiful. Ever since she hooked up with Pauly D her life has gone down the tubes. Why, I heard her temperament went from salty to shady in three seconds flat.

Tom: Well, she is a Joisey girl, after all Trisha.

Trisha: Are you speaking like that to make her feel at home?

Tom: "You guessed it. Next I'll be saying "Toid" instead of "Third." That should really help her … um … Situation.

:Trisha: Clever use of words there, Tom.

Tom: Yeah, but let's get to something more relevant. Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Weasel was found today ...

 

[JerseyJade]

We have a news update regarding the man he calls himself, kurrginatorX… who is currently wanted by the ASPCA for animal cruelty. Well we just learned that the Governor of New Jersey issued a warrant for his arrest for badly impersonating a New Jersey citizen. Apparently, after listening to kurrginatorX talk in a previous interview on another news network, the Governor got seriously ill and had to be taken to a nearby hospital. More news on this as it develops.

 

[kurrginatorX]

This just in: After feigning illness due to a satire of New Jersey-ites, New Jersey Governor Rocky "Balls" Mahoney was impeached and banished from the state. Meanwhile, local cabby JerseyJade was overheard saying to a customer, "Toid & Toidy-Toid? Yeah, get ya there in a jiff." Her customer had a small child, but JerseyJade quickly pointed to a sign in her window and said, "No youts allowed."

 

[DeckardNYC]

He was caught drunk, masturbating in a coffee restaurant, turned over to ICE, and now he faces deportation back to Uzbekistan, which generated protests by the other two Uzbekistani residents in his town, hence the news coverage.

 

[JerseyJade]

Breaking News: A nationwide manhunt is on for the suspected animal abuser, kurrginatorX, after authorities found a pair of dentures at one of the crime scenes. DNA experts confirmed that the dentures do in fact belong to. kurrginatorX… which police advise that the fugitive can noew be easily recognized by him mispronouncing words that have the "Th" sound in them.

Authorities are also investigating a NYC dentist by the name of Deckard who they believe is helping kurrginatorX by giving him a new dentures.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Trisha: On tonight's "Musical Interlude" with special correspondent Harmon Izing, New Jersey songstress JerseyJade sings her new song "What If My Mouth Threw A Party And Everyone Came?"

 

[DeckardNYC]

Trisha: On tonight's "Musical Interlude" with special correspondent Harmon Izing, New Jersey songstress JerseyJade sings her new song "What If My Mouth Threw A Party And Everyone Came?"

This just in, Florida man wanted on nationwide warrant caught on NJ Turnpike. Claims he was profiled and then beaten to a pulp when he made fun of the State Troopers. He was unable to comment to this reporter through his feeding tube.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Local boob Deckard has once again volunteered to be the judge for this year's Flatulence Finals. Remarked Deckard, "It's a tough job, butt a labor of love." If you remember, Deckard passed out at last year's finals, and for some reason that damned smile would not drop from his face ...

 

[DeckardNYC]

Local boob Deckard has once again volunteered to be the judge for this year's Flatulence Finals. Remarked Deckard, "It's a tough job, butt a labor of love." If you remember, Deckard passed out at last year's finals, and for some reason that damned smile would not drop from his face ...

Florida man wrestles alligator, and loses....again. Story at 11.

 

[Series 6]

Florida man wrestles alligator, and loses....again. Story at 11.

Man streaks across the field at MetLife Stadium

 

[kurrginatorX]

Sickly sparrow infects hundreds with measles. More at eleven.

 

[dashie33]

Sickly sparrow infects hundreds with measles. More at eleven.

Tried to attend a screening of Joker by themselves, and when they were denied entry, went on a rampage ... of eating Ben and Jerry's ice-cream.

 

[Jada59]

Tried to attend a screening of Joker by themselves, and when they were denied entry, went on a rampage ... of eating Ben and Jerry's ice-cream.

Went stark raving wild in a fancy restaurant and proved to everyone that it is possible to swing from a chandelier. Alas, a few people got kicked in the head when it happened.

 

[kurrginatorX]

This just in: Tired of being referred to as "That crazy cat lady down the street," Jada59 has decided to change her name to Jadan59.

 

[DeckardNYC]

This just in: Tired of being referred to as "That crazy cat lady down the street," Jada59 has decided to change her name to Jadan59.

Florida man arrested for bank robbery, video shows he "masked" his face with a clear plastic bag.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Florida man arrested for bank robbery, video shows he "masked" his face with a clear plastic bag.

(For the record, I live in Georgia )

Trisha: What's our top story tonight, Tom?

Tom: It seems that our old pal Deckard tried to commit suicide earlier this evening, Trisha.

Trisha: Oh my, Tom.

Tom: Oh my, Tom, indeed Trisha. He placed a gun against his temple, pulled the trigger, and … he missed. Can someone please explain this to me? How the hell can someone miss when firing that closely?

Trisha: (Laughing) I think I know, Tom. He must have been chewing gum at the time.

Tom and Trisha laughing in unison.

Tom: Now, here's Wendy McLeod with the weather.

 

[DeckardNYC]

(For the record, I live in Georgia )

Trisha: What's our top story tonight, Tom?

Tom: It seems that our old pal Deckard tried to commit suicide earlier this evening, Trisha.

Trisha: Oh my, Tom.

Tom: Oh my, Tom, indeed Trisha. He placed a gun against his temple, pulled the trigger, and … he missed. Can someone please explain this to me? How the hell can someone miss when firing that closely?

Trisha: (Laughing) I think I know, Tom. He must have been chewing gum at the time.

Tom and Trisha laughing in unison.

Tom: Now, here's Wendy McLeod with the weather.

Florida man says he wasn't drinking and driving, because he only drank his Jack Daniels while stopped at red lights.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Tom: Our old pal Deckard is in the news once again, Trisha.

Trisha: (Faces camera) Turn the channel. Turn the channel now.

 

[DarkSimian]

Tom: Our old pal Deckard is in the news once again, Trisha.

Trisha: (Faces camera) Turn the channel. Turn the channel now.

Local man puts instant coffee in microwave; goes back in time. Film at 11

 

[DeckardNYC]

Local man puts instant coffee in microwave; goes back in time. Film at 11

Homeless man mistaken for reptile, caught by trappers and held for three days. Film at 11.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Tom: This is Tom Tucker. Trisha Takanawa has the night off. Joining me tonight is special correspondent Al Leeway. What's our top story tonight, Big Al?

Al: It involves someone with whom you are quite familiar, Tom.

Tom: Oh, no. Not Deckard again.

Al: Oh, no. Not Deckard again, indeed, Tom.

Tom: Um ... You can't use that phrasology, Big Al. That's mine. I use that when Trisha is here.

Al: I just thought--

Tom: Well, don't. Just report the news.

Al: Very well, then. Local boob Deckard--

Tom: Unh-uh, Al. That's mine as well.

Al: Jesus Christ. No wonder Trisha took a night off.

Tom: Know what? I don't need you here, Al. I try to give you a break and you come here trying to be a carbon copy of me. Get out of my studio. You'll be lucky if I let you cover the local dog and pony shows anymore. Go on, now. Get. Okay, now that that's over … I'm Tom Tucker and here is tonight's top story: Local boob Deckard was arrested for cruelty against Big John love dolls. He had a dozen or so, chief word being "had," but he abused them so much that their penises fell off. Noted love doll psychologist Marionette Stringer reported that the dolls were suffering from so deep psychoses that they couldn't even articulate their feelings. We'll keep you updated as this story develops.

 

[DeckardNYC]

Florida man arrested for stalking and impersonating Tom Tucker, even sneaking on set and trying to do the news. He had to be tased three times, and is currently being held in a lock down facility. Expected to be deported to Florida in the morning.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Local boob Deckard announced his bid for the Presidency early today. His motto going into this election is, "One crow in every pot, two lemons in every garage." Since the Molly Maguires are no longer available, Deckard stated he will be seeking the assistance of the Molly Shannons.