Post a reason why the person above would appear in the evening breaking news

[DeckardNYC]

Local boob Deckard announced his bid for the Presidency early today. His motto going into this election is, "One crow in every pot, two lemons in every garage." Since the Molly Maguires are no longer available, Deckard stated he will be seeking the assistance of the Molly Shannons.

Florida man sneaks into zoo, gets gorillas high on cocaine, and then gets sexually molested by 4 gorillas for over 3 hours.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Trisha: It's good to be back, Tom.

Tom: It's good to have you back, Trisha. What isn't good, however, is our top story tonight because it involves you-know-who.

Trisha: That wascally Wabbit, Deckard, Tom?

Tom: That wascally wabbit, Deckard, Tom, indeed, Trisha. It appears he is starting a new off-off-Broadway one-man show titled The Life and Times of Jesus Christ: I Hardly Knew Me, in which he will play Jesus, but instead of Jesus being a healer and philosopher, in Deckard's approach he will be a comedian.

Trisha: (laughing)

Tom: What?

Trisha: So what you're telling us then, Tom, is that the result will be the same? Jesus is going to die, only this time he'll die of embarrassment?

Tom: Shh-Shh. If you listen closely you can hear chirping crickets and howling coyotes in the distance.

 

[Jada59]

Caused a woman from Bothell WA to laugh herself to death!

*Thunk*

 

[kurrginatorX]

Woman Sues Satirist For Taking Joke Too Far. News At 11:00.

 

[Jada59]

Was caught stalking not only Deckard but anyone whose name starts with the letter "D".

 

[kurrginatorX]

THIS JUST IN: Jack and Jill party found to be a hoax. The only "Jill" involved is Jada59, and the only "Jacking" is three men dumping water over head. Why are we even reporting this? Show grass growing or something.

 

[Jada59]

Was caught sprinkling Lucky Charms in the neighbor's yards to make them magically delicious.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Tired of always missing Bugs Bunny, she killed Trix the Rabbit and is doing 25-life in da pokey.

 

[Jada59]

Won a blue ribbon in a Hokey Pokey contest.

 

[kurrginatorX]

This Just In: Woman Divorces Washington State. More At 11:00!

 

[DeckardNYC]

This Just In: Woman Divorces Washington State. More At 11:00!

Florida Man stretches nut sack so he can wrap it around himself as a coat. Guiness on the way to confirm world record. Story at 11!

 

[Misshotndeep]

Florida Man stretches nut sack so he can wrap it around himself as a coat. Guiness on the way to confirm world record. Story at 11!

Streaking through downtown.

 

[DeckardNYC]

Streaking through downtown.

Climate control activist protest at her home, complaining she emits too much carbon. Or dioxide. Or oxygen. Whatever it was this week.....

 

[kurrginatorX]

Tom: Tonight, a brave soul has stepped forward and announced that Deckard has impregnated her.

Trisha: Oh no, Tom.

Tom: On purpose, no less.

Trisha: Do you realize what this means, Tom? It means that the state of mental health in this country is far worse than we originally believed to be true.

Tom: If you or a loved one are experiencing feelings of sorrow or guilt over Deckard's actions, you are not alone. Get help now.

 

[Jada59]

Was caught swapping out all the balls at the driving range for exploding ones.

 

[dashie33]

Tom: Tonight, a brave soul has stepped forward and announced that Deckard has impregnated her.

Trisha: Oh no, Tom.

Tom: On purpose, no less.

Trisha: Do you realize what this means, Tom? It means that the state of mental health in this country is far worse than we originally believed to be true.

Tom: If you or a loved one are experiencing feelings of sorrow or guilt over Deckard's actions, you are not alone. Get help now.

Was caught swapping out all the balls at the driving range for exploding ones.

Both were seen planning a heist on the First National Bank; unfortunately, they got their wires crossed. K thought that they were supposed to dress up as the Joker, and Jada thought that they were supposed to leave behind Joker cards as a calling card.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Dashie lives in shame now that her identity as The Queen's Court Jester has been exposed.

 

[DeckardNYC]

Dashie lives in shame now that her identity as The Queen's Court Jester has been exposed.

Florida Man electrocuted using electric vibrator in bath tub.

 

[kurrginatorX]

In other news, local boob Deckard was admitted to the hospital today. It seems his enemies, all 127,468 of them, took turns kicking him in the nuts. His testicles ruptured and were swollen to the size of watermelons by the time he arrived at Our Sisters of the Undying Mercy Hospital. Once he was prepped for surgery, Deckard received another surprise: The entire medical staff counted themselves as his enemy as well, so they each took turns unmercifully beating his nut sack until Deckard slipped into a coma. Another surgical team was called in to repair the damage, and Deckard now rests at an undisclosed location.

 

[Misshotndeep]

Inducing mass panic by sneaking up and whispering, “we all float down here” in random peoples ears before creepily wandering away.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Trisha: What do you have for us tonight, Tom?

Tom: Someone hot and sexy, Trisha. A woman uniquely qualified to set any man or woman's soul afire, but before we get to Margo Robbie, we learned today that Misshotndeep ...

 

[DeckardNYC]

Trisha: What do you have for us tonight, Tom?

Tom: Someone hot and sexy, Trisha. A woman uniquely qualified to set any man or woman's soul afire, but before we get to Margo Robbie, we learned today that Misshotndeep ...

Florida man upsets self by using wrong word, so intentionally bites own tongue off.

 

[Mrtenant]

Florida man upsets self by using wrong word, so intentionally bites own tongue off.

Man arrested for carving obscene imagery in neighborhood pumpkins

 

[lovetopleasewomen]

Napping in public, Winnie the Pooh style, with a raging hard on for all to see.

Being MIA for so long then suddenly reappearing causes quite a stir.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Man dresses as woman who dresses as a man. More at 11:00.